Chili Cook-Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
# 6 about darn near killed me.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI ....
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the he** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting hammered from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Monday, September 15, 2008
[Interest] At The Movies
Movie Laws
This is taken from: "Ebert's Little Movie Glossary" (c) 1994 Roger Ebert and Company
Bad Smoker Rule: In any cop movie made since the mid-seventies, the bad guys smoke while the good guy is trying to quit.
"Cape Fear Syndrome": Derangement that causes heroines, upon learning they are in great danger, to go immediately to an isolated cabin (houseboat, sailboat in the harbour, farm) alone, knowing that no one, especially their friends, will be able to find them.
Divine Dog Syndrome: In movies humans are violently killed with impunity, but dogs are never killed. Thus an alien race studying humans would conclude that dogs are gods.
Fallacy of the Talking Killer: The villain wants to kill the hero. He has him cornered at gunpoint. All the villain has to do is pull the trigger, but he always talks first. He explains the heroes mistakes to him, jeers, laughs. And gives the hero time to think his way out of the situation or be rescued by his buddy.
Gibson's Inverse Coefficient of Gravity: Force of nature that affects the firearms of good guys as they scale tall buildings. Force grows geometrically greater the higher up the good guy is, eventually causing firearm to fall irretrievably from his grasp when he needs it most. (Fun fact: This force generates a powerful visual aura, causing good guy to waste precious time watching firearm fall all the way to the ground while he's in immediate peril.)
Hand-in-Hand Rule: In many Hollywood action pictures the woman characters are incapable of fleeing from danger unless dragged by a strong man who takes the woman's hand and pulls her along behind him. This convention is so strong it appears even in films in which it makes no sense, as in Sheena, In which a jungle woman who has ruled the savage beasts since infancy is pulled along by a television anchorman fresh off the plane.
Hardest Word in the English Language: No matter how well a foreigner speaks English, he never masters "yes" and will invariably be forced to rely on its equivalent in his native tongue.
"Hey, Cody!" Rule: Bad guy has drop on good guy. Can pull trigger and kill him. Inevitably shouts "Hey, Cody!" (or other name of good guy ) after which good guy whirls, sees bad guy and shoots him first.
Human Antennae: Movie characters who have an amazing ability to turn on the television at the moment that a newscaster begins a report on something directly relating to them.
Myopia Rule: Little girls who wear glasses in movies always tell the truth. Little boys who wear glasses in movies always lie.
One Size Fits All: If a woman Character steals clothing, if a male's, will be too big. If a female's , it will be too skimpy and revealing.
Short-Time Syndrome: Applies to prison, war or police, movies, in which the hero has only a few more days until he is free, his tour is over, or he can retire with a full pension. Whenever such a character makes the mistake of mentioning his remaining time ("three days and I'm outta here!"), he will die before the end of that time.
1-Telephone's to blame rule: applies to all kind of movies. The main character didn't like what he just heard in the phone, so he disconnect it violently and throw it away.
2- Telephone's to blame II: The character is in a phone conversation, the other party hangs up the phone before he wanted to, and the character remains staring at the handset as he can get an explanation from it.
Bad Coffee Rule. In cop shows/movies (and also frequently, but not as inevitably, in newspaper-office scenes) the character will walk in, stop at the coffee machine, pour some into a plastic/styrofoam cup, and utter some variation on the phrase "Jeez, this coffee tastes like crap".
Too-Easy Parking and Poor Auto Security rule, Famously flouted by Steve McQueen in "Bullitt". McQueen, a well-known car nut, takes a couple of maneuvres to parallel-park his Mustang and then locks the door when he's out of the car; what movie-dictates declare should be done is to pull straight over to the kerb, front-first, in one movement, get out of the car (with the window wound down) and slam the door shut, unlocked. This is also satirized in the Police Squad shows/movies where Leslie Nielsen never fails to hit some object as he performs the Too-Easy Parking maneuvre.
This is taken from: "Ebert's Little Movie Glossary" (c) 1994 Roger Ebert and Company
Bad Smoker Rule: In any cop movie made since the mid-seventies, the bad guys smoke while the good guy is trying to quit.
"Cape Fear Syndrome": Derangement that causes heroines, upon learning they are in great danger, to go immediately to an isolated cabin (houseboat, sailboat in the harbour, farm) alone, knowing that no one, especially their friends, will be able to find them.
Divine Dog Syndrome: In movies humans are violently killed with impunity, but dogs are never killed. Thus an alien race studying humans would conclude that dogs are gods.
Fallacy of the Talking Killer: The villain wants to kill the hero. He has him cornered at gunpoint. All the villain has to do is pull the trigger, but he always talks first. He explains the heroes mistakes to him, jeers, laughs. And gives the hero time to think his way out of the situation or be rescued by his buddy.
Gibson's Inverse Coefficient of Gravity: Force of nature that affects the firearms of good guys as they scale tall buildings. Force grows geometrically greater the higher up the good guy is, eventually causing firearm to fall irretrievably from his grasp when he needs it most. (Fun fact: This force generates a powerful visual aura, causing good guy to waste precious time watching firearm fall all the way to the ground while he's in immediate peril.)
Hand-in-Hand Rule: In many Hollywood action pictures the woman characters are incapable of fleeing from danger unless dragged by a strong man who takes the woman's hand and pulls her along behind him. This convention is so strong it appears even in films in which it makes no sense, as in Sheena, In which a jungle woman who has ruled the savage beasts since infancy is pulled along by a television anchorman fresh off the plane.
Hardest Word in the English Language: No matter how well a foreigner speaks English, he never masters "yes" and will invariably be forced to rely on its equivalent in his native tongue.
"Hey, Cody!" Rule: Bad guy has drop on good guy. Can pull trigger and kill him. Inevitably shouts "Hey, Cody!" (or other name of good guy ) after which good guy whirls, sees bad guy and shoots him first.
Human Antennae: Movie characters who have an amazing ability to turn on the television at the moment that a newscaster begins a report on something directly relating to them.
Myopia Rule: Little girls who wear glasses in movies always tell the truth. Little boys who wear glasses in movies always lie.
One Size Fits All: If a woman Character steals clothing, if a male's, will be too big. If a female's , it will be too skimpy and revealing.
Short-Time Syndrome: Applies to prison, war or police, movies, in which the hero has only a few more days until he is free, his tour is over, or he can retire with a full pension. Whenever such a character makes the mistake of mentioning his remaining time ("three days and I'm outta here!"), he will die before the end of that time.
1-Telephone's to blame rule: applies to all kind of movies. The main character didn't like what he just heard in the phone, so he disconnect it violently and throw it away.
2- Telephone's to blame II: The character is in a phone conversation, the other party hangs up the phone before he wanted to, and the character remains staring at the handset as he can get an explanation from it.
Bad Coffee Rule. In cop shows/movies (and also frequently, but not as inevitably, in newspaper-office scenes) the character will walk in, stop at the coffee machine, pour some into a plastic/styrofoam cup, and utter some variation on the phrase "Jeez, this coffee tastes like crap".
Too-Easy Parking and Poor Auto Security rule, Famously flouted by Steve McQueen in "Bullitt". McQueen, a well-known car nut, takes a couple of maneuvres to parallel-park his Mustang and then locks the door when he's out of the car; what movie-dictates declare should be done is to pull straight over to the kerb, front-first, in one movement, get out of the car (with the window wound down) and slam the door shut, unlocked. This is also satirized in the Police Squad shows/movies where Leslie Nielsen never fails to hit some object as he performs the Too-Easy Parking maneuvre.
[Interest] Labor Room
Labor Day has been around for over 100 years. It is celebrated on the first Monday in September.
Today, for many of us, our Labor Day holiday is an "official" sign that summer is over, especially summer vacation for the kids. Many schools start right after Labor Day. (Some start a few days prior.) For others, Labor Day represents the last of having a long weekend and any attempt to enjoy outings with the family or have fun at the beach. Also, for many years, Labor Day was the fashion moment when you no longer were allowed to wear white (until Spring) without being judged as a fashion bozo. (BTW, the rule of not wearing white after Labor Day no longer exists.)
Unlike a lot of holidays, Labor Day is not based on any old folklore custom, any one person (alive or dead), any religion, race or brought over to America by immigrants from another country. Labor Day is a holiday set aside to honor all workers. Therefore, it really has no specific symbol or colors associated with it.
Quotes about Work
The thicker the hay; the easier mowed. -- Alaric the Goth
Tools were made, and born were hands,
Every farmer understands. --- Blake
Get work:
Be sure it is better than what you work to get. --- E.B. Browning
Absence of occupation is not rest.
A mind quite vacant is a mind distress'd. --- Cowper
It is better to wear out than rust out. --- Richard Cumberland
Work is the meat of life, pleasure the dessert. --- B.C. Forbes
The fellow who isn't fired with enthusiasm is apt to be fired. --- B.C. Forbes
The eye of a master will do more work than both his hands. --- Franklin
If little labor, little our our gains;
Man's fortunes are according to his pains. --- Robert Herrick
The man flaps about with a bunch of feathers; the woman goes to work softly with a cloth. --- O.W. Holmes
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.
No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. --- Elbert Hubbard
People who take pains never to do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.
--- Elbert Hubbard
Better to work and fail than to sleep one's life away. --- Jerome K. Jerome
My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it. --- Lincoln
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. --- J.G. Pollard
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes; work never begun. --- Christina Rossetti
There is a great difference between a young man looking for a situation and one looking for work.
--- Leslie M. Shaw
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do, and Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. --- Mark Twain
Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. --- Ambrose Bierce
Industry cannot flourish if labor languish. --- Calvin Coolidge
Labor disgraces no man; unfortunately you occasionally find men disgrace labor. --- Ulysses S. Grant
Today, for many of us, our Labor Day holiday is an "official" sign that summer is over, especially summer vacation for the kids. Many schools start right after Labor Day. (Some start a few days prior.) For others, Labor Day represents the last of having a long weekend and any attempt to enjoy outings with the family or have fun at the beach. Also, for many years, Labor Day was the fashion moment when you no longer were allowed to wear white (until Spring) without being judged as a fashion bozo. (BTW, the rule of not wearing white after Labor Day no longer exists.)
Unlike a lot of holidays, Labor Day is not based on any old folklore custom, any one person (alive or dead), any religion, race or brought over to America by immigrants from another country. Labor Day is a holiday set aside to honor all workers. Therefore, it really has no specific symbol or colors associated with it.
Quotes about Work
The thicker the hay; the easier mowed. -- Alaric the Goth
Tools were made, and born were hands,
Every farmer understands. --- Blake
Get work:
Be sure it is better than what you work to get. --- E.B. Browning
Absence of occupation is not rest.
A mind quite vacant is a mind distress'd. --- Cowper
It is better to wear out than rust out. --- Richard Cumberland
Work is the meat of life, pleasure the dessert. --- B.C. Forbes
The fellow who isn't fired with enthusiasm is apt to be fired. --- B.C. Forbes
The eye of a master will do more work than both his hands. --- Franklin
If little labor, little our our gains;
Man's fortunes are according to his pains. --- Robert Herrick
The man flaps about with a bunch of feathers; the woman goes to work softly with a cloth. --- O.W. Holmes
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.
No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. --- Elbert Hubbard
People who take pains never to do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.
--- Elbert Hubbard
Better to work and fail than to sleep one's life away. --- Jerome K. Jerome
My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it. --- Lincoln
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. --- J.G. Pollard
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes; work never begun. --- Christina Rossetti
There is a great difference between a young man looking for a situation and one looking for work.
--- Leslie M. Shaw
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do, and Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. --- Mark Twain
Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. --- Ambrose Bierce
Industry cannot flourish if labor languish. --- Calvin Coolidge
Labor disgraces no man; unfortunately you occasionally find men disgrace labor. --- Ulysses S. Grant
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