THE STORY OF THE SPOON
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization... Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticedthat the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed alittle strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoonsin their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, Why the spoon? Well, he explained, the restaurants owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, wecan reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace itwith his spare. I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of makingan extra trip to get it right now. I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out ofthe waiters fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, Excuse me, but can you tell me whyyou have that string right there? Oh, certainly! Then he lowered his voice. Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate theneed to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. I couldn't help but ask, After you get it out, how do you put it back? Well, he whispered, I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.
Monday, March 26, 2007
[Spirited] Be There
YOUR SON IS HERE A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside. "Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened. Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement. The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients. Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night. Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited. Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her. "Who was that man?" he asked. The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered. "No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life." "Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?" "I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed." The next time someone needs you ... just be there. Stay. WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE. WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY HUMAN EXPERIENCE.
[Adult] Cock-a-doodle-doo
MOVIE TIME
AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE............>>>>>> THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?">>>>>>THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.>>>>>>WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.">>>>>> "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE >>> THEATER.">>>>>>THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS>>>OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED>>>THE THEATER.>>>>>>HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.>>>>>>THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.>>>>>>THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT>>>AND WATCH THE MOVIE.>>>>>>"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.>>>>>>"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.>>>>>>"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.">>>>>>"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.>>>>>>"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.>>>>>>"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.>>>"HECK, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN'EM ALL">>>>>>"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN."
AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE............>>>>>> THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?">>>>>>THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.>>>>>>WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.">>>>>> "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE >>> THEATER.">>>>>>THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS>>>OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED>>>THE THEATER.>>>>>>HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.>>>>>>THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.>>>>>>THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT>>>AND WATCH THE MOVIE.>>>>>>"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.>>>>>>"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.>>>>>>"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.">>>>>>"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.>>>>>>"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.>>>>>>"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.>>>"HECK, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN'EM ALL">>>>>>"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN."
Friday, March 23, 2007
[Interest] Hong Kong Bok Choy
Chinese New Year or Spring Festival, no matter what you call it, it is that time of the year which signifies celebration and merriment for millions of Chinese people all over the world. The Chinese calendar has a twelve year cycle and one of the most important characteristics of Chinese New Year calendar is that it names each of the twelve years after an animal. According to the popular Chinese myth the animal ruling the year in which a
person is born tremendously influences his or her behavior and traits. For instance, the year 2006 is the Year of the Dog. People born in the Year of the Dog are said to be very faithful and trustworthy, which are the traits found in a dog.Tradition says that Lord Buddha had called for all the animals to come to him before he departed from the earth. When the cat got to know about the news, he told rat about it and the two animals decided to go together the next day. However, the next morning the rat did not wake up the cat. Therefore, the cat could not make it to the gathering on time and did not get a year. This is why there is no year of the cat and this is one of the reasons why cats hate rats.The rat made it first to the assembly and received the first year. Though the rat did a lot of trickery to reach first to the congregation. At first he tricked the ox to let him ride on its head. The ox agreed and they went together. Just when they were about to reach to the assembly the clever rat jumped off the ox's head and got through the finish line first. This is why the year of the rat is the first year in the cycle and the year of the ox is the second.This is probably the reason why the first of the twelve years is the Year of the Rat then followed by the year of Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Sheep, Monkey, Rooster, Dog and Pig.But only twelve animals came to offer Lord Buddha farewell and as a token of appreciation he named a year after each of the twelve animals in the order they arrived. In this way each year got linked with an animal. People born in that year are believed to share different traits.
BOAR: Generous, considerate, trustworthy, materialistic
DOG: Warm, unpretentious, loyal, idealistic
RAT: Shrewd, frugal, hard-working, caring
OX: Calm, reliable, methodical, conservative
TIGER: Impetuous, bold, passionate, energetic
RABBIT: Lucky, gracious, pacifistic, artistic
DRAGON: Frank, ambitious, dynamic, individualistic
SNAKE: Purposeful, calculating, secretive, resilient
HORSE: Independent, open-minded, volatile, non-conformist
SHEEP: Compassionate, mild-mannered, creative, pessimistic
MONKEY: Charming, intelligent, gregarious, competitive
ROOSTER: Organized, brave, eloquent, impractical
person is born tremendously influences his or her behavior and traits. For instance, the year 2006 is the Year of the Dog. People born in the Year of the Dog are said to be very faithful and trustworthy, which are the traits found in a dog.Tradition says that Lord Buddha had called for all the animals to come to him before he departed from the earth. When the cat got to know about the news, he told rat about it and the two animals decided to go together the next day. However, the next morning the rat did not wake up the cat. Therefore, the cat could not make it to the gathering on time and did not get a year. This is why there is no year of the cat and this is one of the reasons why cats hate rats.The rat made it first to the assembly and received the first year. Though the rat did a lot of trickery to reach first to the congregation. At first he tricked the ox to let him ride on its head. The ox agreed and they went together. Just when they were about to reach to the assembly the clever rat jumped off the ox's head and got through the finish line first. This is why the year of the rat is the first year in the cycle and the year of the ox is the second.This is probably the reason why the first of the twelve years is the Year of the Rat then followed by the year of Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Sheep, Monkey, Rooster, Dog and Pig.But only twelve animals came to offer Lord Buddha farewell and as a token of appreciation he named a year after each of the twelve animals in the order they arrived. In this way each year got linked with an animal. People born in that year are believed to share different traits.
BOAR: Generous, considerate, trustworthy, materialistic
DOG: Warm, unpretentious, loyal, idealistic
RAT: Shrewd, frugal, hard-working, caring
OX: Calm, reliable, methodical, conservative
TIGER: Impetuous, bold, passionate, energetic
RABBIT: Lucky, gracious, pacifistic, artistic
DRAGON: Frank, ambitious, dynamic, individualistic
SNAKE: Purposeful, calculating, secretive, resilient
HORSE: Independent, open-minded, volatile, non-conformist
SHEEP: Compassionate, mild-mannered, creative, pessimistic
MONKEY: Charming, intelligent, gregarious, competitive
ROOSTER: Organized, brave, eloquent, impractical
[Interest] Flights of Fancy
FEAR OF FLYING
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before, because the pilot approached her, and - calling her b y name - said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! True story....
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before, because the pilot approached her, and - calling her b y name - said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! True story....
[Humor] The Best Man (NOT)
MARRIAGE FOR DUMMIES
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"-----------------------------------------------------------------------A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."-----------------------------------------------------------------------"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.""That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."-----------------------------------------------------------------------A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.""Me neither, doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."-----------------------------------------------------------------------An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"-----------------------------------------------------------------------A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."-----------------------------------------------------------------------"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.""That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."-----------------------------------------------------------------------A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.""Me neither, doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."-----------------------------------------------------------------------An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
[Humor] Bottom's Up
LADIES NIGHT
There are always two ways to look at everything, I guess.
My wife and I were
sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think
a person could go on celebrating that long?"
There are always two ways to look at everything, I guess.
My wife and I were
sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think
a person could go on celebrating that long?"
[Interest] Top Cat
THE PASTOR'S CAT
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did! All the while, checking his progress in the car frequently, he then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members that lived behind him. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?" She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws out! spread, and landed right in front of her."
Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did! All the while, checking his progress in the car frequently, he then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members that lived behind him. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?" She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws out! spread, and landed right in front of her."
Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.
[Interest] Room At The Inn
RETIREMENT PLANS
*** NO NURSING HOME FOR US ***
No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn! With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per
day, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for? So, when we reach that golden age, we'll face it with a grin. Just forward all our email to: us@holiday.inn
*** NO NURSING HOME FOR US ***
No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn! With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per
day, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for? So, when we reach that golden age, we'll face it with a grin. Just forward all our email to: us@holiday.inn
[Interest] Lie Detector
How to call the police in West VirginiaGeorge Phillips of Elkins, West Virginia, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house?"and he said no.Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors, and an officer would be along when available.George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again."Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in myshed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all". Then he hung up.Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"(True Story)
[Interest] Clean Sweep
A NEW BROOM SWEEPS CLEAN
A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. 1. Don't change horses.................................................until they stop running. 2. Strike while the........................................................bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before..........................................Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of .............................termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but ............................. how? 6. Don't bite the hand that ............................................looks dirty. 7. No news is...............................................................impossible. 8. A miss is as good as a ............................................Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new ................................math. 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .................................stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust ...........................................................me. 12. The pen is mightier than the ......................................pigs. 13. An idle mind is...........................................................the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's .....................................pollution. 15. Happy the bride who...................................................gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is ......................................................not much 17. Two's company, three's .............................................the Musketeers 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ...................................you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... you have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as ............. .........................Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not .................................spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed ........................................get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you ......................see in the picture on the box. 24. When the blind lead the blind ....................................get out of the way. And the WINNER and last one! 25. Better late than..........................................................pregnant
A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. 1. Don't change horses.................................................until they stop running. 2. Strike while the........................................................bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before..........................................Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of .............................termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but ............................. how? 6. Don't bite the hand that ............................................looks dirty. 7. No news is...............................................................impossible. 8. A miss is as good as a ............................................Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new ................................math. 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .................................stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust ...........................................................me. 12. The pen is mightier than the ......................................pigs. 13. An idle mind is...........................................................the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's .....................................pollution. 15. Happy the bride who...................................................gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is ......................................................not much 17. Two's company, three's .............................................the Musketeers 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ...................................you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... you have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as ............. .........................Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not .................................spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed ........................................get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you ......................see in the picture on the box. 24. When the blind lead the blind ....................................get out of the way. And the WINNER and last one! 25. Better late than..........................................................pregnant
[Interest] Top Dog
PUPPY SIZE
"Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this," the mother told the volunteer."What is it she keeps asking for?" the volunteer asked. "Puppy size!" replied the mother. "Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for." "I know...we have seen most of them," the mom said in frustration... Just then Danielle came walking into the office"Well, did you find one?" asked her mom. "No, not this time," Danielle said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?" The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed. "You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply," the volunteer said. Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend," she said. Over the next few days both mom and dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. "It's this weekend or we're not looking any more," Dad finally said in frustration. "We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size either," Mom added. Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning. By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs. Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted. Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one. One by one she said, "Sorry, you're not the one." It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer. "Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!" she screamed with joy. "It's the puppy size!""But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks," Mom said. "No, not size ---- the sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed," she said. "Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!" The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both. "Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said. Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!" Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear.
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
"Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this," the mother told the volunteer."What is it she keeps asking for?" the volunteer asked. "Puppy size!" replied the mother. "Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for." "I know...we have seen most of them," the mom said in frustration... Just then Danielle came walking into the office"Well, did you find one?" asked her mom. "No, not this time," Danielle said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?" The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed. "You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply," the volunteer said. Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend," she said. Over the next few days both mom and dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. "It's this weekend or we're not looking any more," Dad finally said in frustration. "We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size either," Mom added. Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning. By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs. Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted. Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one. One by one she said, "Sorry, you're not the one." It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer. "Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!" she screamed with joy. "It's the puppy size!""But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks," Mom said. "No, not size ---- the sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed," she said. "Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!" The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both. "Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said. Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!" Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear.
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
[Humor] Answer Man
BEST SNAPPY ANSWERS OF 2006
SNAPPY ANSWER #5 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline."Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked."Yes or no," she replied.SNAPPY ANSWER #4 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." SNAPPY ANSWER #3A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." SNAPPY ANSWER #2 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window."I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.SNAPPY ANSWER #1 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up thatreads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SNAPPY ANSWER #5 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline."Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked."Yes or no," she replied.SNAPPY ANSWER #4 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." SNAPPY ANSWER #3A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." SNAPPY ANSWER #2 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window."I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.SNAPPY ANSWER #1 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up thatreads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
[Interest] Ton of Bricks
Bricklayer's Accident Report ~ This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.... Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for additional information In Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This counts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry. Bill Fuller
[Interest] House of Wax
All hair removal methods have tricked us women with their promises of easy, painless removal ... the epilate, scissors, razors, Nair and now ... the wax!
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the bright idea that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ""Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."" So, I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those ""cold wax"" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax. You just rub the strips together in your hand. They get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. Walaaaa! No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean.. I’’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out! (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other, stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in, so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (""Cold Wax"" ... yeah right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK ... so it wasn’’t the best feeling but it wasn’’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Rah !~ Fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extra ordinaire!~
With my next wax strip ... I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship! I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (YES.... it was a long strip!~). I inhale deeply and brace myself ... RRRIIIPPP!!!!~ I’’M BLIND!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY GOD!!!~
Okay.... vision is returning. I notice that I’’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out! ... Must stay conscious! Do I hear crashing drums?? Breathe.... breathe.... breathe..... OK ... back to normal. Let’’s proceed. I want to see my trophy! Oh yeah ... baby ... show it to me! I want to see a wax hair-covered strip, the one that has caused me soooo much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it!!~ I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair!!~ I hold up the strip! There’’s NO HAIR on it!! Where’’s the hair?!??? WHERE IS THE WAX?????
Slowly, I ease my head down ... foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. CRAP!!
Then I make the NEXT BIG mistake. Remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo hoo*? Sealed shut!~ Butt? Sealed shut!~ OH MY GOD!~
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do next and think to myself ""Please don’’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"" What can I do to melt this wax? Hot water! Hot water melts wax! Right? I’’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bath tub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt, and I can gently wipe it right off ... Right???? WRONG!!!!!~
I get in the tub –– the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical instruments. I sit. Nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub! .... in scalding hot water!!~ Which, by the way, doesn’’t melt cold wax. Soooooooooooooo, now I’’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’’s a very good conversation starter - ""Sooooo, my butt and *hoo hoo* are glued together to the bottom of the tub."" There is a slight pause. She doesn’’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located ... ""Are we talking cheeks or hoo hoo?"" Now, she’’s laughing out loud ... I CAN HEAR HER! I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH–– RIGHT! I should be the joke of someone else’’s night? I DON’’T THINK SO.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! My definite idea of a good time!~ Yeah-Right!~
By now, my brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike, and I’’m pretty sure I’’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace ... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. Woo Hoo!! What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!~ The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend! It’’s soooo painful, but I really don’’t care...... IT WORKS!!! IT WORKS!!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair ... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE! ... ALL OF IT!!!!! So, I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’’m numb by now anyways. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week ... I’’m going to try hair color ... Now that’’s funny ..... NOTTTTTTTTTT!!!~
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the bright idea that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ""Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."" So, I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those ""cold wax"" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax. You just rub the strips together in your hand. They get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. Walaaaa! No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean.. I’’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out! (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other, stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in, so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (""Cold Wax"" ... yeah right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK ... so it wasn’’t the best feeling but it wasn’’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Rah !~ Fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extra ordinaire!~
With my next wax strip ... I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship! I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (YES.... it was a long strip!~). I inhale deeply and brace myself ... RRRIIIPPP!!!!~ I’’M BLIND!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY GOD!!!~
Okay.... vision is returning. I notice that I’’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out! ... Must stay conscious! Do I hear crashing drums?? Breathe.... breathe.... breathe..... OK ... back to normal. Let’’s proceed. I want to see my trophy! Oh yeah ... baby ... show it to me! I want to see a wax hair-covered strip, the one that has caused me soooo much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it!!~ I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair!!~ I hold up the strip! There’’s NO HAIR on it!! Where’’s the hair?!??? WHERE IS THE WAX?????
Slowly, I ease my head down ... foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. CRAP!!
Then I make the NEXT BIG mistake. Remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo hoo*? Sealed shut!~ Butt? Sealed shut!~ OH MY GOD!~
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do next and think to myself ""Please don’’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"" What can I do to melt this wax? Hot water! Hot water melts wax! Right? I’’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bath tub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt, and I can gently wipe it right off ... Right???? WRONG!!!!!~
I get in the tub –– the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical instruments. I sit. Nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub! .... in scalding hot water!!~ Which, by the way, doesn’’t melt cold wax. Soooooooooooooo, now I’’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’’s a very good conversation starter - ""Sooooo, my butt and *hoo hoo* are glued together to the bottom of the tub."" There is a slight pause. She doesn’’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located ... ""Are we talking cheeks or hoo hoo?"" Now, she’’s laughing out loud ... I CAN HEAR HER! I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH–– RIGHT! I should be the joke of someone else’’s night? I DON’’T THINK SO.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! My definite idea of a good time!~ Yeah-Right!~
By now, my brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike, and I’’m pretty sure I’’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace ... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. Woo Hoo!! What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!~ The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend! It’’s soooo painful, but I really don’’t care...... IT WORKS!!! IT WORKS!!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair ... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE! ... ALL OF IT!!!!! So, I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’’m numb by now anyways. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week ... I’’m going to try hair color ... Now that’’s funny ..... NOTTTTTTTTTT!!!~
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