THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He ' s rather taken aback because he can ' t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you ' re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I ' m your son ' s teacher."
Monday, April 23, 2007
[Humor] I'm Not As Think As You Drunk I Am
DEAR ALCOHOL,First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:1. Phone calls: While I agree with you thatcommunication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with fire sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale bbq chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the frontdoor key into the lock4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. Myentire day is shot. I ask that, if the properprecautions are taken (water, vitamin B, breadproducts, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully, we can continue this fruitful partnership.Thank you,Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. CinnamonTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorderTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.2. Nope, no more beer for me.3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing6. Fight? No way. Let's sit down and talk this out7. Text message? No I have sent enough for the night8. Dance? No I shouldn't! I should just sit here on the barstool.
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. CinnamonTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorderTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.2. Nope, no more beer for me.3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing6. Fight? No way. Let's sit down and talk this out7. Text message? No I have sent enough for the night8. Dance? No I shouldn't! I should just sit here on the barstool.
[Interest] War On Drugs
God bless the mothers who drugged us!
The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question: Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up??? I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered an unacceptable word. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.
~author unknown
The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question: Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up??? I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered an unacceptable word. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.
~author unknown
[Adult] Hot, Hot, Hot
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENTThe following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.One student, however, wrote the following:First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.This gives two possibilities:1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Monday, April 16, 2007
[Spirited] Empty Nest
THE EMPTY EGG Jeremy was born with a twisted body and a slow mind. At the age of 12 he was still in second grade, seemingly unable to learn. His teacher, Doris Miller, often became exasperated with him. He would squirm in his seat, drool, and make grunting noises. At other times, he spoke clearly and distinctly, as if a spot of light had penetrated the darkness of his brain. Most of the time, however, Jeremy just irritated his teacher. One day she called his parents and asked them to come in for a consultation. As the Forresters entered the empty classroom, Doris said to them, "Jeremy really belongs in a special school. It isn't fair to him to be with younger children who don't have learning problems. Why, there is a five year gap between his age and that of the other students." Mrs. Forrester cried softly into a tissue, while her husband spoke. "Miss Miller," he said, "there is no school of that kind nearby. It would be a terrible shock for Jeremy if we had to take him out of this school. We know he really likes it here." Doris sat for a long time after they had left, staring at the snow outside the window. Its coldness seemed to seep into her soul. She wanted to sympathize with the Forresters. After all, their only child had a terminal illness. But it wasn't fair to keep him in her class. She had 18 other youngsters to teach, and Jeremy was a distraction. Furthermore, he would never learn to read and write. Why waste any more time trying? As she pondered the situation, guilt washed over her. Here I am complaining when my problems are nothing compared to that poor family, she thought. Lord, please help me to be more patient with Jeremy. From that day on, she tried hard to ignore Jeremy's noises and his blank stares. Then one day, he limped to her desk, dragging his bad leg behind him. "I love you, Miss Miller," he exclaimed, loud enough for the whole class to hear. The other students snickered, and Doris' face turned red. She stammered, "Wh-why that's very nice, Jeremy. N-now please, take your seat." Spring came, and the children talked excitedly about the coming of Easter. Doris told them the story of Jesus, and then to emphasize the idea of new life springing forth, she gave each of the children a large plastic egg. "Now," she said to them, "I want you to take this home and bring it back tomorrow with something inside that shows new life. Do you understand?" "Yes, Miss Miller," the children responded enthusiastically--all except for Jeremy. He listened intently; his eyes never left her face. He did not even make his usual noises. Had he understood what she said about Jesus' death and resurrection? Did he understand the assignment? Perhaps she should call his parents and explain the project to them. That evening, Doris' kitchen sink stopped up. She called the landlord and waited an hour for him to come by and unclog it. After that, she still had to shop for groceries, iron a blouse, and prepare a vocabulary test for the next day. She completely forgot about phoning Jeremy's parents. The next morning, 19 children came to school, laughing and talking as they placed their eggs in the large wicker basket on Miss Miller's desk. After they completed their math lesson, it was time to open the eggs. In the first egg, Doris found a flower. "Oh yes, a flower is certainly a sign of new life," she said. "When plants peek through the ground, we know that spring is here." A small girl in the first row waved her arm. "That's my egg, Miss Miller," she called out. The next egg contained a plastic butterfly, which looked very real. Doris held it up. "We all know that a caterpillar changes and grows into a beautiful butterfly. Yes, that's new life, too." Little Judy smiled proudly and said, "Miss Miller, that one is mine." Next, Doris found a rock with moss on it. She explained that moss, too, showed life. Billy spoke up from the back of the classroom, "My daddy helped me," he beamed. Then Doris opened the fourth egg. She gasped. The egg was empty. Surely it must be Jeremy's she thought, and of course, he did not understand her instructions. If only she had not forgotten to phone his parents. Because she did not want to embarrass him, she quietly set the egg aside and reached for another. Suddenly, Jeremy spoke up. "Miss Miller, aren't you going to talk about my egg?" Flustered, Doris replied, "But Jeremy, your egg is empty." He looked into her eyes and said softly, "Yes, but Jesus' tomb was empty, too." Time stopped. When she could speak again, Doris asked him, "Do you know why the tomb was empty?" "Oh, yes," Jeremy said, "Jesus was killed and put in there. Then His Father raised Him up." The recess bell rang. While the children excitedly ran out to the school yard, Doris cried. The cold inside her melted completely away. Let's remember all of our blessings, because of the empty tomb at Easter.
[Interest] April Showers
NOTABLE DATES IN APRIL
1 - Air Force Academy created (1954)
1 - NYC subway strike, 11 days (1980)
3 - Jesse James shot (1882)
3 - Bruno Hauptman executed (1936)
3 - First TV Guide (3rd - 9th) (1953)
4 - Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. killed (1968)
5 - Akashi-Kaikyo Bridge completed (1998)
6 - Peary & Henson reach North Pole (1909)
6 - U.S. enters World War I (1917)
8 - Longacre Square becomes Times Square (1904)
8 - Last Automat closed (42nd & 3rd) (1991)
9 - Civil War ends (1865)
9 - Ebbets Field opens (1913)
9 - Hugh Hefner born (1926)
9 - Hitler invades Norway (1940)
9 - Bataan falls to Japan (1942)
10 - Bataan death march begins (1942)
11- Buchenwald liberated (1945)
11 - General MacArthur fired by President Truman (1951)
12 - Civil War starts (1861)
12 - President Franklin Roosevelt dies (1945)
12 - Yuri Gagarin, first man in space (1961)
12 - Joe Louis dies (1981)
12 - Last day tokens used on trains & buses (2003)
13 - Thomas Jefferson born (1743)
14 - President Lincoln shot (1865)
14 - President Taft throws out first baseball (1910)
14 - Titanic hits iceberg (1912)
15 - President Lincoln dies (1865)
15 - Titanic sinks (1912)
15 - Jackie Robinson breaks color barrier in baseball (1947)
15 - First McDonald’s opens (1955)
15 - Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel opens (1964)
16 - Shea Stadium opens (1964)
17 - Benjamin Franklin dies (1790)
17 - Bay of Pigs fiasco (1961)
17 - Paul Revere’s ride (1775)
18 - San Francisco earthquake (1906)
18 - Yankee Stadium opens (1923)
18 - Doolittle raid on Tokyo (1942)
18 - Admiral Yamamoto shot down (1943)
18 - Albert Einstein dies (1955)
19 - Battle of Lexington & Concord (1775)
19 - Warsaw ghetto uprising (1943)
19 - General MacArthur’s speech to Congress (1951)
19 - Grace Kelly weds Prince Rainier (1956)
19 - Central Park jogger incident (1989)
19 - Oklahoma City bombing (1995)
19 - Pope Benedict XVI elected (2005)
20 - Adolph Hitler born (1889)
20 - Columbine shooting (1999)
21 - Birthday of Queen Elizabeth II (1926)
22 - Highlanders play first game, NYC (1903)
24 - Woolworth building opens (1913)
25 - War with Spain (1898)
26 - Chernobyl meltdown (1986)
27 - U.S. Marines take Derna (1805)
27 - First Social Security check (1937)
28 - Benito Mussolini killed (1945)
29 - Whitestone Bridge opens (1939)
29 - Dachau liberated by U.S. 7th Army (1945)
29 - Last train on 3rd Avenue Elevated subway (1973)
29 - Last Oldsmobile made (2004)
30 - George Washington inaugurated (1789)
30 - Hitler dies (1945)
30 - Saigon falls to the North (1975)
1 - Air Force Academy created (1954)
1 - NYC subway strike, 11 days (1980)
3 - Jesse James shot (1882)
3 - Bruno Hauptman executed (1936)
3 - First TV Guide (3rd - 9th) (1953)
4 - Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. killed (1968)
5 - Akashi-Kaikyo Bridge completed (1998)
6 - Peary & Henson reach North Pole (1909)
6 - U.S. enters World War I (1917)
8 - Longacre Square becomes Times Square (1904)
8 - Last Automat closed (42nd & 3rd) (1991)
9 - Civil War ends (1865)
9 - Ebbets Field opens (1913)
9 - Hugh Hefner born (1926)
9 - Hitler invades Norway (1940)
9 - Bataan falls to Japan (1942)
10 - Bataan death march begins (1942)
11- Buchenwald liberated (1945)
11 - General MacArthur fired by President Truman (1951)
12 - Civil War starts (1861)
12 - President Franklin Roosevelt dies (1945)
12 - Yuri Gagarin, first man in space (1961)
12 - Joe Louis dies (1981)
12 - Last day tokens used on trains & buses (2003)
13 - Thomas Jefferson born (1743)
14 - President Lincoln shot (1865)
14 - President Taft throws out first baseball (1910)
14 - Titanic hits iceberg (1912)
15 - President Lincoln dies (1865)
15 - Titanic sinks (1912)
15 - Jackie Robinson breaks color barrier in baseball (1947)
15 - First McDonald’s opens (1955)
15 - Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel opens (1964)
16 - Shea Stadium opens (1964)
17 - Benjamin Franklin dies (1790)
17 - Bay of Pigs fiasco (1961)
17 - Paul Revere’s ride (1775)
18 - San Francisco earthquake (1906)
18 - Yankee Stadium opens (1923)
18 - Doolittle raid on Tokyo (1942)
18 - Admiral Yamamoto shot down (1943)
18 - Albert Einstein dies (1955)
19 - Battle of Lexington & Concord (1775)
19 - Warsaw ghetto uprising (1943)
19 - General MacArthur’s speech to Congress (1951)
19 - Grace Kelly weds Prince Rainier (1956)
19 - Central Park jogger incident (1989)
19 - Oklahoma City bombing (1995)
19 - Pope Benedict XVI elected (2005)
20 - Adolph Hitler born (1889)
20 - Columbine shooting (1999)
21 - Birthday of Queen Elizabeth II (1926)
22 - Highlanders play first game, NYC (1903)
24 - Woolworth building opens (1913)
25 - War with Spain (1898)
26 - Chernobyl meltdown (1986)
27 - U.S. Marines take Derna (1805)
27 - First Social Security check (1937)
28 - Benito Mussolini killed (1945)
29 - Whitestone Bridge opens (1939)
29 - Dachau liberated by U.S. 7th Army (1945)
29 - Last train on 3rd Avenue Elevated subway (1973)
29 - Last Oldsmobile made (2004)
30 - George Washington inaugurated (1789)
30 - Hitler dies (1945)
30 - Saigon falls to the North (1975)
Saturday, April 14, 2007
[Adult] Holy Smoke!
A LONG PULL
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What the heck is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel! : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What the heck is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel! : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
[Humor] Easter For Dummies
EASTER EGG HEADS
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell.The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him.The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."St. Peter said, "Verrrrry good."Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."St Peter fainted.
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell.The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him.The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."St. Peter said, "Verrrrry good."Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."St Peter fainted.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
[Adult} I'll Drink To That
The comic talents of Larry Miller:
The Five Stages of Drinking
Thanks to jwkunhardt@amherst.edu, who pointed out the source of this monologue found on a local BBS net. (Larry Miller)
LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."
LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."
LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."
LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ....cool."
LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "......and this time, I mean it!" \_\_\_\_\_ Samuel Roberts
\_\_\_\_ Comedy Conference Moderator
\_\_\_ SeekNet(tm) International
* Origin: SeekNet: The Seeker's Place - Darby, Pa. (610)237-1281 (120:120/0)
The Five Stages of Drinking
Thanks to jwkunhardt@amherst.edu, who pointed out the source of this monologue found on a local BBS net. (Larry Miller)
LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."
LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."
LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."
LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ....cool."
LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "......and this time, I mean it!" \_\_\_\_\_ Samuel Roberts
\_\_\_\_ Comedy Conference Moderator
\_\_\_ SeekNet(tm) International
* Origin: SeekNet: The Seeker's Place - Darby, Pa. (610)237-1281 (120:120/0)
Monday, April 9, 2007
[Interest] Over The Rainbow
RAINBOW BRIDGE
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... Author unknown...
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... Author unknown...
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
[Humor] On The Mark
The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; truth isn’t.
There is a moral sense and there is an immoral sense. History shows that the moral sense enables us to see morality and how to avoid it, and that the immoral sense enables us to perceive immorality and how to enjoy it.
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do ... Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
There is probably no pleasure equal to the pleasure of climbing a dangerous Alp; but it is a pleasure which is confined strictly to people who can find pleasure in it.
We get our morals from books. I didn’t get mine from books, but I know that morals do come from books – theoretically at least.
Homely truth is unpalatable.
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.
It’s noble to be good, and it’s nobler to teach others to be good, and less trouble.
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man’s, I mean.
The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer somebody else up.
There has never been an intelligent person of the age of sixty who would consent to live his life over again. His or anyone else’s.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This ist he principal difference between a dog and a man.
The man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have someone to divide it with.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that ti will last through a lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up.
Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well.
"Classic:" A book which people praise and don’t read.
Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; truth isn’t.
There is a moral sense and there is an immoral sense. History shows that the moral sense enables us to see morality and how to avoid it, and that the immoral sense enables us to perceive immorality and how to enjoy it.
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do ... Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
There is probably no pleasure equal to the pleasure of climbing a dangerous Alp; but it is a pleasure which is confined strictly to people who can find pleasure in it.
We get our morals from books. I didn’t get mine from books, but I know that morals do come from books – theoretically at least.
Homely truth is unpalatable.
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.
It’s noble to be good, and it’s nobler to teach others to be good, and less trouble.
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man’s, I mean.
The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer somebody else up.
There has never been an intelligent person of the age of sixty who would consent to live his life over again. His or anyone else’s.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This ist he principal difference between a dog and a man.
The man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have someone to divide it with.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that ti will last through a lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up.
Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well.
"Classic:" A book which people praise and don’t read.
Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.
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