CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS:
The Pastor would like to thank all of you who paid your tithes last week.>With the high price of gas -- every little bit helps. And, he> wanted us to mention that if you write a check, please make sure that it>does not bounce. He said that you are still encouraged to pay your> tithes and God only wants 10%, but if your check bounces we gone take >25%.>> From the health ministry: The usher board has asked those frequent>shouters who routinely pass out on the altar to please wear clean> underwear. Let your praise be holy, not your draws. Amen.>> The deacon board has brought this to our attention also if you are one of>the people that got tapped on your shoulder Sunday morning, make> sure you pick up your Altoids at the hospitality desk before entering the>sanctuary. Saints, let's not let our breath hinder our neighbor's praise.>> Special Note: We would like to apologize for those who came out to the>Youth Explosion conference last night. The youth choir's remix of> Shake that Laffy Taffy was totally unexpected. The youth director has >been>reprimanded and will issue a formal apology Sunday morning. Also, for> those who witnessed Mother Green getting up and doing the Laffy Taffy>dance, and are concerned, she is doing fine. She is in Methodist North> recovering well.>> Saints, don't forget about the Chitlin dinner this evening. If you >haven't>already placed your order, call the church office. And for> those who are a little skeptical after the last Chitlin dinner, please>feel at ease knowing that Pastor Happy has prayed over the Chitlins and no>one> from the Drug Rehab Ministry was involved in the preparation this time.>> Pastor has requested that all "dark-skinned" members sit in the light>during night service. Last Wednesday he heard voices in the dark and> thought they were demons.>> Please govern yourselves.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Thursday, August 9, 2007
[Adult] Yo!
YO MAMA SO FAT . . .
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing upYo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.Yo mama so fat we're in her right nowYo mama so fat people jog around her for exerciseYo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyoneYo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for CondorsYo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for their new worldYo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free WillyYo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptizedYo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the drivewayYo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-rollerYo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pocketsYo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12thYo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge tooYo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12thYo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge tooYo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time pleaseYo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumpingYo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover herYo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the familyYo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her throughYo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the waterYo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured outYo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teethYo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite picturesYo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing upYo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.Yo mama so fat we're in her right nowYo mama so fat people jog around her for exerciseYo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyoneYo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for CondorsYo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for their new worldYo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free WillyYo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptizedYo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the drivewayYo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-rollerYo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pocketsYo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12thYo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge tooYo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12thYo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge tooYo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time pleaseYo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumpingYo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover herYo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the familyYo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her throughYo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the waterYo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured outYo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teethYo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite picturesYo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
[Humor] Ye Gods
FROM OUR FRIENDS AT THE ONION WEB SITE:
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Various Deities Still Sorting Through Victims Of Tragic Queens Bus Accident
August 3, 2007 Issue 43•31
NEW YORK—An emergency coalition of deities from several major world religions is still sorting through the wreckage of a tragic bus accident that claimed 67 lives Friday in the culturally diverse Jackson Heights neighborhood of Queens.
According to authorities, at approximately 6:45 p.m. the Q45 bus crashed into a power generator at a busy street corner after swerving to avoid a slow-moving group of elderly Chinese pedestrians. Police say that a Korean laundry, an Irish pub, a Senegalese restaurant, and a churro stand were also severely damaged in the resultant smoke and flames.
More than half a dozen gods reportedly responded to the scene within moments of the crash. Because the victims hailed from 14 countries and professed an as-yet-undetermined number of religious faiths, however, the soul-placement process has been laborious, and fewer than a third of the deceased have so far been escorted to their appropriate afterlives.
"What a mess this is," said Ganesha, the Hindu lord of success and obstacles. "Assuming we ever manage to figure out who worships our particular pantheon, there's still the problem of divvying up the Buddhists, Jains, and other non-Hindus who worship me, Lakshmi, Vishnu, and about 1,000 other gods."
In the gods' haste to resolve the matter, some of the souls were apparently misplaced. In one instance, an adherent of Buddhism slated to be reborn into an Ohio family was temporarily reincarnated as a tree sloth. And as of press time, a self-avowed atheist who at the last minute took God into his heart has yet to be retrieved from the void and placed among the faithful.
'I don't have the time to hang around here all week like some of the niche gods do.'
God of Abraham
'Despite my many arms, cases will have to be handled one at a time to avoid mixups.'
Ganesha
Many of the gods were struggling just to maintain order.
"Honestly, who ever heard of a Jew named Shinjoku Murikami?" the Shinto sun goddess Amaterasu said. "I had that guy halfway to haunting a shrine as a kami spirit before I realized my mistake."
The religious triage suffered severe setbacks from the beginning because many gods serve a relatively low number of devotees and are unaccustomed to rapid response.
"The moment we saw that there was someone named Hawkwind, we knew we'd be there for a while," said the Sikh god, Waheguru who explained that, due to a verbal agreement struck several millennia ago, no deity is allowed to leave until all souls have been claimed. "On top of that, it took the Wiccan goddess of the Moon, Earth, and Sea three full days to show up."
One god, who asked that His name not be spoken aloud, said the theological muddle was a rarity, and that He and the other deities usually have no trouble operating without an official post-disaster protocol.
"We don't normally have to deal with these kinds of details," the god said. "If there's a rocket attack in the Middle East, it's pretty easy to figure out who goes in to mop up."
Further complicating matters is the presence of the devil, Beelzebub, who has demanded that the coalition relinquish all souls to him.
"These are all vile, vile sinners, and I'm not leaving until I get them," the dark lord said, though other gods appeared unreceptive. "Look, my numbers have been way down this month. I'm sure everyone here did something damning at some point, right? Come on."
Several lesser-known gods, such as Jengu, an archaic water deity still worshipped by some of the Sawa people in Africa, arrived on the scene despite having no devotees among the dead. Jengu said he knew there was a "really good Cameroonian place" in the neighborhood and assumed that he might be needed.
"I guess not," the minor god said. "I'll probably hang out anyway, though, just in case."
While the aftermath has been generally chaotic, the most inconvenienced deity appeared to be the God of Abraham, who is worshipped by billions of Muslims, Jews, and Christians.
"Ideally, I'd just take all of them in one pile, but there are about a thousand little sects and denominations and all that nonsense that I have to act like I care about," God/Yahweh/Allah said. "Did you know there was a guy who practiced Santeria on that bus? Christ, what a nightmare."
The deities were all unanimous in agreeing that the sole Catholic fatality should be condemned to forever roam the Earth as an anguished, wretched ghost, as Catholicism is the only truly false religion and has no god to accept its faithful when they die.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Various Deities Still Sorting Through Victims Of Tragic Queens Bus Accident
August 3, 2007 Issue 43•31
NEW YORK—An emergency coalition of deities from several major world religions is still sorting through the wreckage of a tragic bus accident that claimed 67 lives Friday in the culturally diverse Jackson Heights neighborhood of Queens.
According to authorities, at approximately 6:45 p.m. the Q45 bus crashed into a power generator at a busy street corner after swerving to avoid a slow-moving group of elderly Chinese pedestrians. Police say that a Korean laundry, an Irish pub, a Senegalese restaurant, and a churro stand were also severely damaged in the resultant smoke and flames.
More than half a dozen gods reportedly responded to the scene within moments of the crash. Because the victims hailed from 14 countries and professed an as-yet-undetermined number of religious faiths, however, the soul-placement process has been laborious, and fewer than a third of the deceased have so far been escorted to their appropriate afterlives.
"What a mess this is," said Ganesha, the Hindu lord of success and obstacles. "Assuming we ever manage to figure out who worships our particular pantheon, there's still the problem of divvying up the Buddhists, Jains, and other non-Hindus who worship me, Lakshmi, Vishnu, and about 1,000 other gods."
In the gods' haste to resolve the matter, some of the souls were apparently misplaced. In one instance, an adherent of Buddhism slated to be reborn into an Ohio family was temporarily reincarnated as a tree sloth. And as of press time, a self-avowed atheist who at the last minute took God into his heart has yet to be retrieved from the void and placed among the faithful.
'I don't have the time to hang around here all week like some of the niche gods do.'
God of Abraham
'Despite my many arms, cases will have to be handled one at a time to avoid mixups.'
Ganesha
Many of the gods were struggling just to maintain order.
"Honestly, who ever heard of a Jew named Shinjoku Murikami?" the Shinto sun goddess Amaterasu said. "I had that guy halfway to haunting a shrine as a kami spirit before I realized my mistake."
The religious triage suffered severe setbacks from the beginning because many gods serve a relatively low number of devotees and are unaccustomed to rapid response.
"The moment we saw that there was someone named Hawkwind, we knew we'd be there for a while," said the Sikh god, Waheguru who explained that, due to a verbal agreement struck several millennia ago, no deity is allowed to leave until all souls have been claimed. "On top of that, it took the Wiccan goddess of the Moon, Earth, and Sea three full days to show up."
One god, who asked that His name not be spoken aloud, said the theological muddle was a rarity, and that He and the other deities usually have no trouble operating without an official post-disaster protocol.
"We don't normally have to deal with these kinds of details," the god said. "If there's a rocket attack in the Middle East, it's pretty easy to figure out who goes in to mop up."
Further complicating matters is the presence of the devil, Beelzebub, who has demanded that the coalition relinquish all souls to him.
"These are all vile, vile sinners, and I'm not leaving until I get them," the dark lord said, though other gods appeared unreceptive. "Look, my numbers have been way down this month. I'm sure everyone here did something damning at some point, right? Come on."
Several lesser-known gods, such as Jengu, an archaic water deity still worshipped by some of the Sawa people in Africa, arrived on the scene despite having no devotees among the dead. Jengu said he knew there was a "really good Cameroonian place" in the neighborhood and assumed that he might be needed.
"I guess not," the minor god said. "I'll probably hang out anyway, though, just in case."
While the aftermath has been generally chaotic, the most inconvenienced deity appeared to be the God of Abraham, who is worshipped by billions of Muslims, Jews, and Christians.
"Ideally, I'd just take all of them in one pile, but there are about a thousand little sects and denominations and all that nonsense that I have to act like I care about," God/Yahweh/Allah said. "Did you know there was a guy who practiced Santeria on that bus? Christ, what a nightmare."
The deities were all unanimous in agreeing that the sole Catholic fatality should be condemned to forever roam the Earth as an anguished, wretched ghost, as Catholicism is the only truly false religion and has no god to accept its faithful when they die.
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