[Interest] Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

[Adult] Light My Fire

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And,! ! once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the last 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

[Adult] Rule The Roost

A little Thanksgiving humor!


10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE

1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is there egg in it? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.

2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not going to tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their asses!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! Furthe rmore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICK THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!

[Adult] Drive, He Said

THE MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who
cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

" Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely
and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding. T hat's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?-- I don't think so.

[Spirited] Three Things

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back:

1. Time
2. Words
3. Opportunity

Three things in life that can destroy a person:

1. Anger
2. Pride
3. Unforgiveness

Three things in life that you should never lose:

1. Hope
2. Peace
3. Honesty

Three things in life that are most valuable:

1. Love
2. Family & Friends
3. Kindness

Three things in life that are never certain:

1. Fortune
2. Success
3. Dreams

Three things that make a person:

1. Commitment
2. Sincerity
3. Hard work

Three things that are truly constant:

Father - Son - Holy Spirit

[Humor] Home Cooking

Blonde Cookbook
MONDAY It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper WEDNESDAY A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.. FRIDAY I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.&! nbsp; SATURDAY Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

[Adult] Bar None

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[Humor] The Sporting Life

From our friends at The Onion web site:

************

*************
Americans Announce They're Dropping Out Of Presidential Race
WASHINGTON——Intense media coverage of trivial issues, partisan bickering, and the relentless exploitation of 9/11 discouraged Americans from making it to Election Day. U.S. Intelligence: Iran Possesses Trillions Of Potentially Dangerous Atoms WASHINGTON——"Iran maintains the atoms will only be used to form the building blocks of all existence, but we cannot afford to take that risk," DHS Secretary Chertoff said.
Overfunded Public School Forced To Add Jazz Band
MANALAPAN, NJ——Benjamin Harrison Middle School faculty members regretfully announced Tuesday that, despite their best efforts to prevent it, the school simply had too much state and federal funding to avoid adding a jazz ensemble to its music program.
"We did not want it to come to this," principal David DeCarlo said after introducing students to Mr. Metheny, an award-winning jazz guitarist and the new school music teacher. "The children are the ones who are going to suffer. Especially little Sammy Orlovsky, who will have to play those drums where instead of using drumsticks you tap the cymbals with tiny brushes."
The school plans to use its remaining $22.1 million budget to add a sculpture wing to the art department, triple janitors' salaries, and purchase a second computer.

U.S. Military Wasting All Its Victories On Notre Dame November 15, 2007 Onion Sports
Related Articles Yankees Ensure 2003 Pennant By Signing Every Player In Baseball February 5, 2003 Baseball Imposes Tough New 'Three-Strikes-You're-Out' Rule December 17, 1996 Over-Optimistic NFL Doctor Says Injured Bills Player Kevin Everett Will Fly Out Of Hospital September 27, 2007 WASHINGTON, DC——As combined American forces celebrate two consecutive football wins against the Notre Dame Fighting Irish while simultaneously marking the loss of the 3,150th soldier to hostile action in Iraq, many are left wondering if the United States military is in fact focusing its energies on the correct opponent.
"There is no doubt that Navy's recent 46-44 defeat of a motivated, entrenched Notre Dame team after a long drawn-out battle was a masterpiece of leadership, strategy, tactics, and bravery in the finest tradition of the service," said Grant Hughson, an editor at Jane's Sporting News. "And the total Air Force 41-24 domination of the Irish, accomplished by bringing to bear the sort of overwhelming force against which no opponent can retaliate, was a textbook execution of the doctrines of that particular branch of the American armed forces. Meanwhile, however, they seem to be making little or no headway in Iraq."
As the troop surge in Iraq draws to a close, sectarian and insurgent activity seems to have slowed to a near-standstill. However, with the 2007 death toll exceeding 850, more U.S. troops have been lost this year than in any other since major combat operations began, throwing the military's first victory over Notre Dame since 1963 into stark contrast.
"Strange how history repeats itself," Navy historian and football commentator John Feinstein said after the Air Force victory was reported alongside the news that the U.S. was preparing to reduce their commitment in Iraq by at least one battalion. "I don't think anyone who saw it will deny that Roger Staubach's '63 victory over the Golden Domers was inspiring, but I'd bet any money that at the time the Pentagon would've traded it for a victory in Vietnam."
Reactions to the armed forces' lopsided record of domestic and overseas success has been mixed, with many fans of the military pointing out that, while both football and war can be brutal, bloody, and final, the outcomes of combat may take decades to become clear.
"It's important to realize that our young men have been fighting pitched battles against religious fanatics who have been brainwashed into a culture that seeks to destroy all other ways of life," Air Force head coach Troy Calhoun said Monday. "That's just the way Notre Dame football is, the way it's always been. You can't reason with people like that. You destroy them as completely, remorselessly, and quickly as you can."
"Naturally, the young men of our service academy will find the situation infinitely more complex when they're deployed to Iraq," Navy head coach Paul Johnson added. "Compare football to war all you want, but unlike when you go into South Bend, winning in Baghdad means winning the hearts and minds of the people, not pursuing some sort of scorched-earth policy."
Gen. David Petraeus, the top U.S. commander in Iraq and architect of the military's much-criticized current counterinsurgency strategy, offered no comment on whether or not the U.S. was any closer to following up its victories against Notre Dame with one or more much-needed victories in Iraq. However, the West Point graduate did express his disgust with the recent "friendly fire" incident in which the Air Force Falcons shelled the Army Black Knights 30-10 and voiced his support for installing some variation of the option in order to increase the Army's offensive capabilities.

[Spirited] Dog Gone

Dog's Purpose, from a 4-year-old >> >> >> Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a >> ten-year-old >> Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, >> Lisa, >> and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, >> and they were hoping for a miracle. >> >> >> I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the >> family >> we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the >> euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. >> >> >> As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it >> would >> be good for four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They >> felt >> Shane might learn something from the experience. >> >> >> The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as >> Belker's >> family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog >> for >> the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going >> on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The >> little boy >> seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or >> confusion. >> >> >> We sat together for a while after Belker's death,wondering aloud >> about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human >> lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know >> why." >> >> >> Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next >> stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. >> >> >> He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a >> good >> life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" >> The four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do >>>> that, >> so they don't have to stay as long." >> >> >> >> >> Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like: >> >> When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. >> >> Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. >> >> Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be >> pure ecstasy. >> >> Take naps. >> >> Stretch before rising. >> >> Run, romp, and play daily. >> >> Thrive on attention and let people touch you. >> >> Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. >> >> On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. >> >> On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. >> >> When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. >> >> Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. >> >> Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. >> >> Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. >> >> If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. >> >> When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and >> nuzzle them gently.

[Interest] Holly Daze

T'was the month before Christmas* *When all through our land,* *Not a Christian was praying* *Nor taking a stand.* *See the PC Police had taken away,* *The reason for Christmas - no one could say.* *The children were told by their schools not to sing,* *About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.* *It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say* * December 25th is just a 'Holiday'.* *Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit* *Pushing folks down to the floor ju st to get it!*
*CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod* *Something was changing, something quite odd! * *Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa* *In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.* *As Targets were hanging their trees upside down* * At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.* *At K-Mart and Staples and Penney's and Sears* *You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.* *Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty* *Are words that were used to intimidate me.* *Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen* *On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!* *At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter* *To eliminate Jesus , in all publi c matter.* *And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith* ; * Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace*
*The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded* *The reason for the season, stopped before it started.**So as you celebrate 'Winter Break'
under your 'Dream Tree'* *Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.* *Choose your words carefully, think what to say*
*Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS,
not Happy Holiday!*

[Spirited] The Boyfriend

4 Boyfriends
Once upon a time, there was this girl who had four boyfriends.
She loved the 4th boyfriend the most and adorned him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.
She also loved the 3rd boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would
leave her for another.
She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidante and was always kind, considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times.
The girl's 1st boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly
took notice of him.
One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, "I now have four boyfriends with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.'
Thus, she asked the 4th boyfriend, 'I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'No way!', replied the 4th boyfriend, and he walked away without another word.
His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.
The sad girl then asked the 3rd boyfriend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'No!', replied the 3rd boyfriend. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm
going to marry someone else!'
Her heart sank and turned cold.
She then asked the 2nd boyfriend, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me.
When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd boyfriend. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.'
His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.
Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.'
The girl looked up, and there was her 1st boyfriend. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the girl said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!.
In truth, you have 4 boyfriends in your lives:
Your 4th boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.
Your 3rd boyfriend is your possessions, status and wealth. When you die, it will all go to others.
Your 2nd boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they
have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.
And your 1st boyfriend is your Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.
However, your Soul is the only thing that will follow you wherever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you that will follow you to the throne of God and continue with you throughout Eternity.
Thought for the day: Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray.
Pass this on to someone you care about - I just did.
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided
to see beyond the imperfections. I hope this touched you!.
"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead, where there is no path
and leave a trail." Best of all make sure the path is paved by God.

[Humor] High Jump

A plane is about to crash. There are 5 passengers on board, but there are only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger says:
"I am Renaldo, the best soccer player in the world. The sports world needs me, and I cannot die on my fans."
He grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says:
"I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am the Senator of New York and I have a good chance of being President of the United States in the future."
She grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says:
"I am the President of the United States of America. I have huge responsibilities in the world. Besides, I am the smartest President in the history of the country, and I can’t shun my responsibility to my people by dying."
He grabs a pack and jumps from the plane.
The fourth passenger is the Pope, who says to the fifth passenger, a young school boy:
"I am old. I have lived my life as a good person, as a priest should, and so I shall leave the last parachute to you, so you shall have the rest of your life ahead of you."
To this, the little boy says:
"Don’t fret, old man ..... There’s a parachute for each of us. The smartest President of America took my schoolbag."