Tuesday, November 20, 2007

[Humor] Get Lost

CHORUS LINE
A gambler was telling a friend
about his first junket to Las Vegas
and how hard it was to get any sleep.
"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning
by a drunk chorus girl banging on the door and screaming,"
he recalled.
"That's terrible," the friend said.
"How'd you ever get any sleep?"
"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door
and let her out," the gambler laughed.

[Interest] The Right Stuff

JOHN GLENN (on the Senate floor - January 26, 2004)
Some people still don't understand why military personnel
do what they do for a living. This exchange between
Senators John Glenn and Senator Howard Metzenbaum
is worth reading. Not only is it a pretty impressive
impromptu speech, but it's also a good example of one
man's explanation of why men and women in the armed
services do what they do for a living.
This IS a typical, though sad, example of what
some who have never served think of the military.
Senator Metzenbaum (speaking to Senator Glenn):
"How can you run for Senate when you've never held a real job?"
Senator Glenn (D-Ohio):
"I served 23 years in the United StatesMarine Corps.
I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions.
My plane was hit by anti-aircraft fire on 12 different
occasions. I was in the space program. It wasn't my
checkbook, Howard; it was my life on the line. It was
not a nine-to-five job, where I took time off to take the
daily cash receipts to the bank."
"I ask you to go with me . as I went the other day...
to a veteran's hospital and look those men ...
with their mangled bodies . in the eye, and tell THEM
they didn't hold a job!
You go with me to the Space Program at NASA
and go, as I have gone, to the widows and Orphans
of Ed White, Gus Grissom and Roger Chaffee...
and you look those kids in the eye and tell them
that their DADS didn't hold a job.
You go with me on Memorial Day and you stand in
Arlington National Cemetery , where I have more friends
buried than I'd like to remember, and you watch
those waving flags.
You stand there, and you think about this nation,
and you tell ME that those people didn't have a job?
What about you?"
For those who don't remember
During W.W.II, Howard Metzenbaum was an attorney
representing the Communist Party in the USA
Now he's a Senator!
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you are reading it in English thank a Veteran.
It might not be a bad idea to keep this circulating.

[Spirited] Control Tower

WAKE UP CALL
A man from Norfolk , VA called a local radio station to share this on September 11th, 2003. His Name was Robert Matthews. These are his words. "A few weeks before September 11th, my wife and I found out we were going to have our first child. She planned a trip out to California to visit her sister. On our way to the airport, we prayed that God would grant my wife a safe trip and be with her. Shortly after I said amen, we both heard a loud pop and the car shook violently. We had blown out a tire. I replaced the tire as quickly as I could, but we still missed her flight. Both very upset, we drove home.
I received a call from my father who was retired NYFD. He asked what my wife's flight number was, but I explained that we missed the flight. My father informed me that her flight was the one that crashed into the southern tower. I was too shocked to speak. My father also had more news for me. He was going to help. He said, "This is not something I can just sit by for. I have to do something."
I was concerned for his safety, of course, but more because he had never given his life to Christ. After a brief debate, I knew his mind was made up. Before he got off of the phone, he said, "Take good care of my grandchild." Those were the last words I ever heard my father say. He died while helping in the rescue effort. My joy that my prayer of safety for my wife had been answered quickly became anger. I was angry at God, at my father, and at myself. I had gone for nearly two years blaming God for taking my father away. My son would never know his grandfather, my father had never accepted Christ, and I never got to say goodbye. Then something happened.
About two months ago, I was sitting at home with my wife and my son, when there was a knock on the door. I looked at my wife, but I could tell she wasn't expecting anyone. I opened the door to a couple with a small child . The man looked at me and asked if my father's name was Jake Matthews. I told him it was. He quickly grabbed my hand and said, "I never got the chance to meet your father, but it is an honor to meet his son." He explained to me that his wife had worked in the World Trade Center and had been caught inside after the attack. She was pregnant and had been caught under debris. He then explained that my father had been the one to find his wife and free her.
My eyes welled up with tears as I thought of my father giving his life for people like this. He then said, "There is something else you need to know." His wife then told me that as my father worked to free her, she talked to him and led him to Christ. I began sobbing at the news. Now I know that when I get to Heaven, my father will be standing beside Jesus to welcome me, and that this family would be able to thank him themselves. When their baby boy was born, they named him Jacob Matthew in honor of the man who gave his life so that mother and baby could live.
This story should help us to realize two things. First that God is always in control. We may not see the reason behind things, and we may never know this side of Heaven, but God is ALWAYS in control! And second is that though it has been several years since the attacks, we should never let it become a mere tragic memory.
Please take time to share this amazing story with those you love. You may never know the impact it may have on someone.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

[Adult] Cook The Books

A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of > > > > > > ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got > > > the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper > > > would > > > not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. > > > > > > When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing > > > $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. > > > The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he > > > embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign >language, asks the > > > bookkeeper where the money is. The Bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know > > > what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He > > > says > > > he doesn't know what you' re talking about." The Godfather pulls out a > > > pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The > > > attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell > > > him!" > > > > > > The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown > > > briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in > > > Queens > > > The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney > > > replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." > > > > > > Don't you just love lawyers?

[Interest] Strange Days

Several years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Okla. town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on. As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies. If I want ed to k now anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.) Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned? my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to t ry it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing. I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger.. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave. More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name?.... We just call him, "TV." * *Note: This should be require d reading for every household in America !**

[Spirited] Get Me To The Church On Time

NO EXCUSES SUNDAY
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special ""No Excuse Sunday"".
•• Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, ""Sunday is my only day to sleep in.""
•• There will be a special section with lounge chairs who feel that our pews are too hard.
•• Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching T.V. late Saturday night.
•• We will have steel helmets for those who say "" The roof would cave in if I ever came to church.""
•• Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
•• Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
•• Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can’’t go to church and cook dinner, too.
•• We will distribute ""Stamp Out Stewardship"" buttons for those who feel that church is always asking for money.
•• One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
•• Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
•• The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
•• We will provide hearing aids for those who can’’t hear the preacher and cotton for those who say he is too loud.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
GOOD NEWS
What would happen if Biblical events were being covered by today’’s media? Let’’s take a look...
On Red Sea crossing: WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob
On David vs. Goliath:HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon
On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack
On the birth of Christ: HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000: LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD’’s LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers: QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure
On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes: MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs
On raising Lazarus from the dead: ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs

[Humor] On The Money

EASY COME, EASY GO
Charlie walks into Smitty's tavern and is frantically searching all over the bar.
"Hey," says Smitty, "what's going on?"
"I lost my wallet," says Charlie.
"So you're looking for your wallet."
"No" says Charlie. "My buddy Fred found my wallet."
"Great," says Smitty, "so what are you looking for now?"
"FRED!"

[Interest] Vista Vision

Would you like to make this your default mailing list? by Joe Lavin
I am now on the cutting edge of technology. You see, I am now a proud user of Windows 98, which is sort of like Windows 95 except that Windows 98 contains remarkable enhancements and new technological advancements which for some reason allow Internet Explorer to start up approximately every three times you move your mouse.
Make no mistake about it. Microsoft's whole web integration ploy in Windows 98 is merely a not so subtle strategy to bury Netscape into the ground. Then again, subtlety has never been Microsoft's strong suit.
You have attempted to play solitaire. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"Hey, wait, what happened to the 'No' button?"
Not that I have anything against Internet Explorer. It's a fine program, and when I immediately used it to download Netscape Communicator, I must admit that it performed more than adequately. I probably wouldn't even mind it so much if it just kept to itself, but in Windows 98 Internet Explorer is the most extroverted computer program I have ever come across. No matter what you do, it's always popping up and calling attention to itself.
You have attempted to go to the kitchen to make a sandwich. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"No, stop it."
Well, we've made it your default browser anyway. Is that OK?
Yes Yes
"No, look, I'm warning you. I don't want it."
We have incriminating pictures of you from your trip to Mexico last year. It'd sure be a shame if those were accidentally e-mailed to all your friends and family. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
Well, Microsoft certainly knows how to play hardball. Nevertheless, I'm sure I'll get used to Windows 98, and what I've seen so far is quite impressive. On day one, I even ran the special guided tour in which some announcer guy who was apparently sitting inside my computer showed me all the exciting features of Windows 98.
And there are lots of features. For example, my machine comes with something called "On Now." The announcer guy informed me that "On Now machines can do work even when they appear to be off." I guess this is progress, but personally I'm a bit worried about my computer doing work when it appears to be off. How will I know when it's off and when it's actually doing work? Call me paranoid, but I always get nervous when my computer starts doing more work than I do.
What are you doing, Joe?
"Um, I just want to check my e-mail for a sec."
Not now, Joe, I'm currently breaking into the Department of Defense's nuclear arsenal. OK?
"Wow! It appeared that you were off."
Yes, I know.
"Ah, could I at least play a quick game of solitaire or something?"
No.
And there are more features. The announcer next told me about Scan Disk which will automatically check to see if everything's okay whenever my computer has been shut down improperly. As the announcer happily exclaimed, "It's a lot like having a specialist sitting right inside your computer," which is sort of comforting, I thought, because then at least the announcer in there will have some company.
Next, I stumbled upon something called MS Wallet. I wish I could tell you what this is, but I don't actually know. I was too afraid to open it. After all, I'm always careful about opening any wallets whenever Bill Gates is around. I've already given him enough money over the years. I don't want to take any more chances. I'm sure you understand.
At any rate, I shouldn't sound so grumpy. I am having a great time playing with my new computer. It came last week, and aside from actually having to go to work so that I can pay for the thing I've barely been out of my apartment since it arrived.
"Look, Joe, it's the sun."
"Oooh, could you turn it down? I don't like the resolution on that. I'm going back inside to play with my new computer."
Well, don't worry. I'm sure I'll be leaving my apartment in a few days, but in conclusion I would just like to say that -
You seem to be writing your conclusion. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"Hey, stop it. I'm trying to write my conclusion here. Do you mind?"
Sure would be a shame if something unfortunate happened to your column now that you've almost finished it and just want to go to sleep. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"Okay, okay, I give up! Just leave me alone."
I suppose I should know better than to try to fight Microsoft, huh?