[Spirited] Get Me To The Church On Time

NO EXCUSES SUNDAY
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special ""No Excuse Sunday"".
•• Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, ""Sunday is my only day to sleep in.""
•• There will be a special section with lounge chairs who feel that our pews are too hard.
•• Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching T.V. late Saturday night.
•• We will have steel helmets for those who say "" The roof would cave in if I ever came to church.""
•• Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
•• Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
•• Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can’’t go to church and cook dinner, too.
•• We will distribute ""Stamp Out Stewardship"" buttons for those who feel that church is always asking for money.
•• One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
•• Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
•• The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
•• We will provide hearing aids for those who can’’t hear the preacher and cotton for those who say he is too loud.
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GOOD NEWS
What would happen if Biblical events were being covered by today’’s media? Let’’s take a look...
On Red Sea crossing: WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob
On David vs. Goliath:HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon
On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack
On the birth of Christ: HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000: LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD’’s LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers: QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure
On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes: MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs
On raising Lazarus from the dead: ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs