Very interesting perspective by Jay Leno...
I hope you will all read to the end. Jay Leno puts it into perspective and makes us think about the pathetic negativity. That's right, Jay Leno!!
Jay Leno wrote this; it's the Jay Leno we don't often see....
"The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source, right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.
So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What are we so unhappy about?'' Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?
Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?
Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?
Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state?
Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?
I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough.
Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.
Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.
Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.
How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.
Fact is we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.
I know, I know. What about the President who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The President who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11?
The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?
The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?
Think about it...are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.
Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.
They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.
So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds, it leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J.. Simpson to write a book about "how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way"...Insane!
Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.
We are among the most blessed people on Earth, and should thank God several times a day or at least be thankful and appreciative.
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Jay Leno
2007
Please keep this in circulation. There are so many people that need to read this and grasp the truth of it all.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
[Interest] Kangaroo Court
Stella Awards
It's time again for the annual Stella Awards! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right, these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for the past year:
7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California, won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more.
4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. Grrrrr .. Scratch, scratch.
3RD PLACE:
A jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? Scratch, scratch, scratch.
Hang in there. There are only two more Stella's to go.
2ND PLACE
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a nightclub in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies' room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the nightclub had to pay her $12,000, oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
1ST PLACE: (May we have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos, please.)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new m otor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid? Or is it just the juries that the lawyers select? PLEASE, IF YOU HAVE A BRAIN IN YOUR HEAD OR HAVE GOOD COMMON SENSE, START SHOWING UP FOR JURY DUTY! PLEASE.
It's time again for the annual Stella Awards! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right, these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for the past year:
7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California, won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more.
4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. Grrrrr .. Scratch, scratch.
3RD PLACE:
A jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? Scratch, scratch, scratch.
Hang in there. There are only two more Stella's to go.
2ND PLACE
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a nightclub in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies' room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the nightclub had to pay her $12,000, oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
1ST PLACE: (May we have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos, please.)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new m otor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid? Or is it just the juries that the lawyers select? PLEASE, IF YOU HAVE A BRAIN IN YOUR HEAD OR HAVE GOOD COMMON SENSE, START SHOWING UP FOR JURY DUTY! PLEASE.
[Spirited] Raise Up
Raise up all of life
Do you wish to invest your life in anger, or would you prefer to invest it in love? Would you like to spend your time and energy creating enemies, or would you rather be building and strengthening friendships?
Do you really need all those flashy, useless things that serve only to somehow make you feel superior to others? Is there really anything to be gained by being haughty and rude?
Every moment of life can be a unique, wondrous and deeply inspiring experience. Why would you ever consider wasting even a tiny bit of your precious time on petty bickering or one-upmanship?
Let go of the silly need to prove anything and you'll free yourself to accomplish so very much. The only way to raise yourself up is to raise up others, to raise up your world, to raise up all of life.
Joy comes to you when you give it. Happiness is yours when you live it.
Everything you need, you are already capable of being. Smile from the heart and fulfill the destiny that is yours in this beautiful moment.
-- Ralph Marston
Have a blessed day and week.
Jesus bless
Do you wish to invest your life in anger, or would you prefer to invest it in love? Would you like to spend your time and energy creating enemies, or would you rather be building and strengthening friendships?
Do you really need all those flashy, useless things that serve only to somehow make you feel superior to others? Is there really anything to be gained by being haughty and rude?
Every moment of life can be a unique, wondrous and deeply inspiring experience. Why would you ever consider wasting even a tiny bit of your precious time on petty bickering or one-upmanship?
Let go of the silly need to prove anything and you'll free yourself to accomplish so very much. The only way to raise yourself up is to raise up others, to raise up your world, to raise up all of life.
Joy comes to you when you give it. Happiness is yours when you live it.
Everything you need, you are already capable of being. Smile from the heart and fulfill the destiny that is yours in this beautiful moment.
-- Ralph Marston
Have a blessed day and week.
Jesus bless
[Interest] The Good Old Days
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
> >
> If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
>
> When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
> With their tedious rantings about how hard things
> Were when they were growing up;
> What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ...
> Uphill BOTH ways.. YADDA, YADDA, YADDA
>
> And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
> There was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap
> Like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
>
> But now that...
> I'm over the ripe old age of thirty;
> I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
> You've got it so easy!
>
> I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!
>
> And I hate to say it but you kids today
> YOU DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD YOU'VE GOT IT!
>
> I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.
> If we wanted to know something,
> We had to go to the library and look it up ourselves,
> IN THE CARD CATALOG!!
>
> There was NO email!!
> We had to actually write somebody a letter ... WITH A PEN
> Then you had to walk all the way across the street
> And put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
>
> There were NO MP3's & NO Napsters!
> You wanted to steal music,
> You had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
> Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio
> And the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
>
> We DIDN'T have fancy things like Call Waiting!
> If you were on the phone and somebody else called
> They got a busy signal, that's it!
> And we didn't have
> fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
>
> When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!
> It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie,
> a collections agent, you just didn't know!!!
> You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
>
> We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games
> With high-resolution 3-D graphics!> We had the Atari 2600!
> With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids' and the graphics sucked!
> Your guy was a little square!
> You actually had to use your imagination!
> And there were no multiple levels or screens;
> It was just one screen forever! And you could never win.
> The game just kept getting
> Harder and harder and faster and faster
> Until you died! Just like LIFE!
>
> When you went to the movie theater
> There no such thing as stadium seating!
> All the
> seats were the same height!
> If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you
> And you couldn't see, Oh Well!
>
> Sure, we had cable television,
> But back then that was only like 15 channels
> And there was no onscreen menu and no remote control!
> You had to use a little book called a TV Guide
> To find out what was on!
> You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!
> You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV
> To change the channel and
> There was no Cartoon Network either!
>
> You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.
>
> DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING
> We HAD to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons,
> YOU SPOILED LITTLE BRATS!
>
> AND
> We DIDN'T have microwaves,
> If we wanted to heat something up
> We had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ...
> IMAGINE THAT
> If we wanted popcorn,
> We had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove
> forever
> LIKE AN IDIOT!
>
> That's exactly what I'm talking about!
> You kids today have got it too easy.
> YOU'RE SPOILED !!!!!!!!!
>
> You KIDS WOULD NEVER have lasted five minutes back in 1980's!
>
> Regards,
> The over 30 Crowd
> >
> If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
>
> When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
> With their tedious rantings about how hard things
> Were when they were growing up;
> What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ...
> Uphill BOTH ways.. YADDA, YADDA, YADDA
>
> And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
> There was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap
> Like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
>
> But now that...
> I'm over the ripe old age of thirty;
> I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
> You've got it so easy!
>
> I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!
>
> And I hate to say it but you kids today
> YOU DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD YOU'VE GOT IT!
>
> I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.
> If we wanted to know something,
> We had to go to the library and look it up ourselves,
> IN THE CARD CATALOG!!
>
> There was NO email!!
> We had to actually write somebody a letter ... WITH A PEN
> Then you had to walk all the way across the street
> And put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
>
> There were NO MP3's & NO Napsters!
> You wanted to steal music,
> You had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
> Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio
> And the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
>
> We DIDN'T have fancy things like Call Waiting!
> If you were on the phone and somebody else called
> They got a busy signal, that's it!
> And we didn't have
> fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
>
> When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!
> It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie,
> a collections agent, you just didn't know!!!
> You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
>
> We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games
> With high-resolution 3-D graphics!> We had the Atari 2600!
> With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids' and the graphics sucked!
> Your guy was a little square!
> You actually had to use your imagination!
> And there were no multiple levels or screens;
> It was just one screen forever! And you could never win.
> The game just kept getting
> Harder and harder and faster and faster
> Until you died! Just like LIFE!
>
> When you went to the movie theater
> There no such thing as stadium seating!
> All the
> seats were the same height!
> If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you
> And you couldn't see, Oh Well!
>
> Sure, we had cable television,
> But back then that was only like 15 channels
> And there was no onscreen menu and no remote control!
> You had to use a little book called a TV Guide
> To find out what was on!
> You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!
> You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV
> To change the channel and
> There was no Cartoon Network either!
>
> You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.
>
> DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING
> We HAD to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons,
> YOU SPOILED LITTLE BRATS!
>
> AND
> We DIDN'T have microwaves,
> If we wanted to heat something up
> We had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ...
> IMAGINE THAT
> If we wanted popcorn,
> We had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove
> forever
> LIKE AN IDIOT!
>
> That's exactly what I'm talking about!
> You kids today have got it too easy.
> YOU'RE SPOILED !!!!!!!!!
>
> You KIDS WOULD NEVER have lasted five minutes back in 1980's!
>
> Regards,
> The over 30 Crowd
[Humor] Life Support
NEW (AND IMPROVED) LIVING WILL FORM
I, _________ being of sound mind & body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pin head partisan politicians who couldn't pass 9th grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/ hospitals interested in running up bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes & I don't ask for at least 1 of the following: Martini. Margarita, Scotch & soda Bloody Mary, Gin & Tonic, Chardonnay, Steak, Lobster/ crab legs, remote control, bowl of ice cream, sports page, chocolate or sex, it should be presumed I won't get better.
When such determination is reached I instruct my appointed person & attending dr to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, call it a day, call a NOLA jazz funeral band & Lakota holy man to come do their thing at my funeral & ask all my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we had.
Signature: ____________Date: _____
NOTE: I hear in Ireland they have nursing homes with pubs. Patients are happier & have more visitors. Some don't need embalming. If anyone knows the name of this happy place. PLEASE give it to me!
I, _________ being of sound mind & body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pin head partisan politicians who couldn't pass 9th grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/ hospitals interested in running up bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes & I don't ask for at least 1 of the following: Martini. Margarita, Scotch & soda Bloody Mary, Gin & Tonic, Chardonnay, Steak, Lobster/ crab legs, remote control, bowl of ice cream, sports page, chocolate or sex, it should be presumed I won't get better.
When such determination is reached I instruct my appointed person & attending dr to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, call it a day, call a NOLA jazz funeral band & Lakota holy man to come do their thing at my funeral & ask all my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we had.
Signature: ____________Date: _____
NOTE: I hear in Ireland they have nursing homes with pubs. Patients are happier & have more visitors. Some don't need embalming. If anyone knows the name of this happy place. PLEASE give it to me!
[Interest] Mommy Track
JUST A MOM?
A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk 's office,
was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.
She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
'What I mean is, ' explained the recorder,
'do you have a job or are you just a ...?'
'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman.
'I'm a Mom.'
'We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation,
'housewife' covers it,'
Said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,
efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like,
'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.'
'What is your occupation?' she probed.
What made me say it? I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
'I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations.'
The clerk paused, ball -point pen frozen in m midair and
looked up as though she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,
in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest,
'just what you do in your field?'
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
'I have a continuing program of research,
(what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out.)
I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers
and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.'
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more
distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another Mom.'
Motherhood!
What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers
'Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations'
And great grandmothers
'Executive Senior Research Associates?'
I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts
Associate Research Assistants.'
Please send this to another Mom,
Grandmother,
Aunt,
And other friends you know.
May your troubles be less,
Your blessing be more,
And nothing but happiness come through your door!
A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk 's office,
was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.
She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
'What I mean is, ' explained the recorder,
'do you have a job or are you just a ...?'
'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman.
'I'm a Mom.'
'We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation,
'housewife' covers it,'
Said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,
efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like,
'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.'
'What is your occupation?' she probed.
What made me say it? I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
'I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations.'
The clerk paused, ball -point pen frozen in m midair and
looked up as though she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,
in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest,
'just what you do in your field?'
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
'I have a continuing program of research,
(what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out.)
I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers
and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.'
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more
distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another Mom.'
Motherhood!
What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers
'Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations'
And great grandmothers
'Executive Senior Research Associates?'
I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts
Associate Research Assistants.'
Please send this to another Mom,
Grandmother,
Aunt,
And other friends you know.
May your troubles be less,
Your blessing be more,
And nothing but happiness come through your door!
[Spirited] Rain Dance
How To Dance In the Rain
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his
80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an
appointment at 9:00 am.? I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over
an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since
I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.? On exam, it was well healed, so I
talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as
he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.
I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she
no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.? I was surprised, and
asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, 'That is the kind of love
I want in my life.'
True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be,
and will not be.
With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an
important message. This one I thought I could share with you.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of
everything they have.
I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.
'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.'
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his
80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an
appointment at 9:00 am.? I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over
an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since
I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.? On exam, it was well healed, so I
talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as
he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.
I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she
no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.? I was surprised, and
asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, 'That is the kind of love
I want in my life.'
True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be,
and will not be.
With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an
important message. This one I thought I could share with you.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of
everything they have.
I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.
'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.'
[Humor] Super Savers
CUT THAT OUT
A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees.
First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
DAS BOOT
Sven was going for his morning walk one day, when he walked past Olaf's house and saw a sign that said Boat For Sale. This confused Sven because he knew that Olaf didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Olaf about it. "Hey Olaf," said Steve, "I notice da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya ain't never been fishin' and ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old broken down tractor and combine." Olaf calmly replied, "Ya sure, dat's right, and dey are boat for sale."
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
"Cats have intercepted my footsteps at the ankle for so long
that my gait, both at home and on tour, has been compared to
that of a man wading through low surf."
~ Roy Blount, Jr.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
YOU CALL IT MADNESS
Two long time golfers were standing at the 3rd tee overlooking the river.
One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black?
Artificial Intelligence.
A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees.
First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
DAS BOOT
Sven was going for his morning walk one day, when he walked past Olaf's house and saw a sign that said Boat For Sale. This confused Sven because he knew that Olaf didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Olaf about it. "Hey Olaf," said Steve, "I notice da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya ain't never been fishin' and ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old broken down tractor and combine." Olaf calmly replied, "Ya sure, dat's right, and dey are boat for sale."
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
"Cats have intercepted my footsteps at the ankle for so long
that my gait, both at home and on tour, has been compared to
that of a man wading through low surf."
~ Roy Blount, Jr.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
YOU CALL IT MADNESS
Two long time golfers were standing at the 3rd tee overlooking the river.
One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black?
Artificial Intelligence.
[Interest] On Top Of Old Smokey
Cigar Insurance
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24 rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued, and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a policy from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and so, the company was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in "the fires."
However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms.
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24 rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued, and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a policy from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and so, the company was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in "the fires."
However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms.
[Spirited] Now Is The Time
I'll be happy when...
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire.
The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way.
So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with..... and remember that time waits for no one.
So, stop waiting
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer.. Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.
There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one's watching,
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone special.
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire.
The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way.
So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with..... and remember that time waits for no one.
So, stop waiting
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer.. Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.
There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one's watching,
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone special.
[Adult] Live It Up
MY LIVING WILL
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a b*tch.
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a b*tch.
[Humor] Health Watch
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I’’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry . My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' IS a shape!!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Q: I’’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry . My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' IS a shape!!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
[Humor] LICENSE TO ILL
DRIVE ME CRAZY
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look a t her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look a t her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
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