[Interest] Heads Up

Here's a little bit of headline humor from our friends at The Onion web site.

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TOP NEWS STORIES
Flustered Bush Misses Air Force One FlightCAMP SPRINGS, MD—"They just lost their best customer," said the president, who added that he would start looking into other carriers.

Area Family's Trip To New Hampshire Sparks Rumors Of Presidential Bid
MANCHESTER, NH—Pundits said the family's slow drive through Bear Brook State Park signaled a deep concern for environmental issues.
Rumsfeld Leaves Most Recent Job Off Resumé
ST. MICHAELS, MD—After including his four terms in Congress, a two-year stint in banking, and volunteer work, Rumsfeld said he "ran out of room" for the high-ranking cabinet post.

Dairy Company Introduces Lots-Of-Pulp Milk
MADISON, WI—In an attempt to boost lackluster sales, Cream-O-Land Dairy introduced their new Morning Clots line of pulp-heavy milk in whole, 2 percent, and skim varieties Tuesday.
"Bold new taste with the same milk goodness, and lots and lots of the hearty, chunky milk solids you love," a Cream-O-Land press release stated. "Whether you're spooning it atop your cereal or simply enjoying a tall, lukewarm glass, Morning Clots' chewy, full-bodied texture and old-timey flavor will have you saying 'It's Coagulicious!'"
A Cream-O-Land spokesman said that the products are already popular with such bulk institutional purchasers as prisons, hog farms, and public schools.

International News Briefs
Muslims To Boycott All Pope Merchandise KARACHI—A halt in sales of La-Z-Pope chairs, Pope Oaties cereal, and Jiffy-Pope could spell trouble for the Vatican's multi-billion-dollar consumer-goods empire.

Bin Laden’s Mother Worried SickJEDDAH, SAUDI ARABIA—"He could be in a ditch somewhere and I wouldn’t even know it,” said the mother of the wanted international terrorist.

Kim Jong-Il Interprets Sunrise As Act Of War PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—Kim also warned against other "extreme transgressions" including inspections of North Korean cargo, shorter hemlines, and the release of yet another new sports drink.

American Voices
Ground Beef Recall TOPEKA, KS—“All this E.coli talk makes me wonder if I should stop eating lunch while on the toilet.”
- Miriam Stollman, Systems Analyst

Boxing Gym Gives Inner-City Youth An Opportunity To Punch Each Other Indoors
BROOKLYN, NY—Troubled young men and women have used the gym to develop valuable punching skills they can use for the rest of their lives.

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth 'Bring Yourself To Work Day'WASHINGTON, DC—After participating in special events such as meetings and conference calls, many workers can expect modest cash prizes from employers.

News Briefs
Bush Urges Expanded Drilling of Alaskan WildlifeWASHINGTON, DC—The president reminded Congress Tuesday of the estimated 9.3 billion barrels of drillable bear, elk, and musk ox “right here on American soil."

Proud Cystic Fibrosis Foundation Doesn’t Need Your Charity AITKIN, MN—A Dream To Breathe Foundation reasserted its status as a “non-profit organization” and expressed embarrassment at unnecessary “handouts.”
U.S. Cryptographers: ‘FrpX-K5jE-Oc4n-e6Dn’WASHINGTON, DC—In a carefully phrased, 128-bit encoded announcement that has challenged U.S. security agency procedures, top officials of the National Cryptography and Information Security Councilwarned that "FrpX-K5jE-Oc4n-e5Dn" if "Ha4d-87gH-uiH3-gB5r-g8Bh" late Monday."It may be true, as these codemakers have stated here, that our nationfaces 'm7Hk-sJkd-jZ73-4osd-m6Kh,' Department of Homeland Securityhead Michael Chertoff told reporters in his plaintext response Tuesday."But in our defense, I would hardly call our situation 'K5jE-Oc4n'."The NCISC declined further comment, saying only that its remarks weremeant as constructive criticism, and the CIA, NSA, and FBI may havemisinterpreted the message.

[Interest] My New Name Is Snickle Dippinpants

MY NEW NAME IS IN THE SUBJECT.....DON'T LAUGH UNTIL U FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS...... We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute. Please don't be a bore and ruin it. Send it on to everyone you know including the person that sent it to you. Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not. Here is your dose of humor... A. Follow the instructions to find your new name. B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to friends and family and co-workers. Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you, so they know you participated. And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer. The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names... 1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name: a = snickle b = doombah c = goober d = cheesey e = crusty f = greasy g = dumbo h = farcus i = dorky j = doofus k = funky l = boobie m = sleezy n = sloopy o = fluffy p = stinky q = slimy r = dorfus s = snooty t = tootsie u = dipsy v = sneezy w = liver x = skippy y = dinky z = zippy 2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name: a = dippin b = feather c = batty d = burger e = chicken f = barffy g = lizard h = waffle i = farkle j = monkey k = flippin l = fricken m = bubble n = rhino o = potty p = hamster q = buckle r = gizzard s = lickin t = snickle u = chuckle v = pickle w = hubble x = dingle y = gorilla z = girdle 3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name: a = butt b = boob c = face d = nose e = hump f = breath g = pants h = shorts i = lips j = honker k = head l = tush m = chunks n = dunkin o = brains p = biscuits q = toes r = doodle s = fanny t = sniffer u = sprinkles v = frack w = squirt x = humperdinck y = hiney z = juice Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.

[Interest] The Middle Wife

The Middle Wife> >> >By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher> >> >I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kidsmyself,>but> >the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade >classroom.> >> >> >When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a fewsessions> >with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show- >and-tell> >is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, picturesof>fish> >they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundariesor >limitations> >on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it,they're>welcome.> >> >> > Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoingkid,> >takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow>stuffed> >under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.> >> > "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his >birthday.> >First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dadput>a> >seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for ninemonths> >through an umbrella cord."> >> > [She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm tryingnot>to> >laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watchingher>in> >amazement.]> >> > "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh,oh,> >oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.] "Shewalked >around> >the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'> >> > [Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.]> >> > "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't>have> >a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie downin>bed> >like this."> >> > [Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.]> >> > "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there incase>he> >got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like >psshhheew!"> >> >> > [This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are mimingwater> >flowing away. It was too much!]> >> > "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, >breathe.'> >They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a >sudden,> >out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said itwas> >from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff insidethere.">> >> > [Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her >seat.> >I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it'sshow-and-tell> >day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

[Interest] Mother Knows Best

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back tonormal after you've had a baby .... somebody doesn't know thatonce you're a mother, "normal" is history.Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct, somebodynever took a three-year-old shopping.Somebody said being a mother is boring ..... somebody never rode in acar driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will"turn out good"....somebody thinks a child comes with directionsand a guarantee.Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices ...somebody never came out the back door just in time to see herchild hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.Somebody said you don't need an education to be amother.... somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.Somebody said you can't love the second child as much asyou love the first .. somebody doesn't have two children.Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to herchild-rearing questions in the books... somebody never had achild stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labourand delivery....somebody never watched her "baby" get on the busfor the first day of kindergarten or on a plane headed formilitary "boot camp."Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closedand one hand tied behind her back ....somebody never organizedseven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her childgets married....somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a newson or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last childleaves home....somebody never had grandchildren.Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don'tneed to tell her... somebody isn't a mother.

[Interest] Auld Lang Syne

SHOULD OLD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT?
Courtesy of Wikipedia
"Auld Lang Syne" is usually sung each year on New Year's Eve (Hogmanay in Scotland) in the United Kingdom, the Republic of Ireland, the United States, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and English speaking Canada at midnight and signifies the start of a new year. In the United Kingdom, it is played at the close of the annual Congress (conference) of the Trades Union Congress. Also, in many Burns Clubs, it is sung to end the Burns supper.

It is used as a graduation song and a funeral song in Taiwan, symbolizing an end or a goodbye. In Japan, too, it is used in graduation, and many stores play it to usher customers out at the end of a business day. Before the composition of Aegukga, the lyrics of Korea’s national anthem were sung to the tune of this song. In the Indian Armed Forces the band plays this song during the passing out parade of the recruits.

In the Philippines, it is well known and sung at celebrations like graduations, New Year and Christmas Day. Also, before 1972, it was the tune for the Gaumii salaam anthem of The Maldives (with the current words).

In Portugal, France, Spain and Germany this song is used to mark a farewell. It is also used in the Scout movement for the same purpose, but with lyrics that are a little different.

It has also been used on other occasions as a farewell. One occasion that falls in this category was in October 2000, when the body of former Canadian prime minister Pierre Trudeau left Parliament Hill in Ottawa for the last time, going to Montreal for the state funeral.

The song is also the official corps song for the Kilties drum and bugle corps.