[Interest] Heads Up

Here's a little bit of headline humor from our friends at The Onion web site.

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TOP NEWS STORIES
Flustered Bush Misses Air Force One FlightCAMP SPRINGS, MD—"They just lost their best customer," said the president, who added that he would start looking into other carriers.

Area Family's Trip To New Hampshire Sparks Rumors Of Presidential Bid
MANCHESTER, NH—Pundits said the family's slow drive through Bear Brook State Park signaled a deep concern for environmental issues.
Rumsfeld Leaves Most Recent Job Off Resumé
ST. MICHAELS, MD—After including his four terms in Congress, a two-year stint in banking, and volunteer work, Rumsfeld said he "ran out of room" for the high-ranking cabinet post.

Dairy Company Introduces Lots-Of-Pulp Milk
MADISON, WI—In an attempt to boost lackluster sales, Cream-O-Land Dairy introduced their new Morning Clots line of pulp-heavy milk in whole, 2 percent, and skim varieties Tuesday.
"Bold new taste with the same milk goodness, and lots and lots of the hearty, chunky milk solids you love," a Cream-O-Land press release stated. "Whether you're spooning it atop your cereal or simply enjoying a tall, lukewarm glass, Morning Clots' chewy, full-bodied texture and old-timey flavor will have you saying 'It's Coagulicious!'"
A Cream-O-Land spokesman said that the products are already popular with such bulk institutional purchasers as prisons, hog farms, and public schools.

International News Briefs
Muslims To Boycott All Pope Merchandise KARACHI—A halt in sales of La-Z-Pope chairs, Pope Oaties cereal, and Jiffy-Pope could spell trouble for the Vatican's multi-billion-dollar consumer-goods empire.

Bin Laden’s Mother Worried SickJEDDAH, SAUDI ARABIA—"He could be in a ditch somewhere and I wouldn’t even know it,” said the mother of the wanted international terrorist.

Kim Jong-Il Interprets Sunrise As Act Of War PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—Kim also warned against other "extreme transgressions" including inspections of North Korean cargo, shorter hemlines, and the release of yet another new sports drink.

American Voices
Ground Beef Recall TOPEKA, KS—“All this E.coli talk makes me wonder if I should stop eating lunch while on the toilet.”
- Miriam Stollman, Systems Analyst

Boxing Gym Gives Inner-City Youth An Opportunity To Punch Each Other Indoors
BROOKLYN, NY—Troubled young men and women have used the gym to develop valuable punching skills they can use for the rest of their lives.

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth 'Bring Yourself To Work Day'WASHINGTON, DC—After participating in special events such as meetings and conference calls, many workers can expect modest cash prizes from employers.

News Briefs
Bush Urges Expanded Drilling of Alaskan WildlifeWASHINGTON, DC—The president reminded Congress Tuesday of the estimated 9.3 billion barrels of drillable bear, elk, and musk ox “right here on American soil."

Proud Cystic Fibrosis Foundation Doesn’t Need Your Charity AITKIN, MN—A Dream To Breathe Foundation reasserted its status as a “non-profit organization” and expressed embarrassment at unnecessary “handouts.”
U.S. Cryptographers: ‘FrpX-K5jE-Oc4n-e6Dn’WASHINGTON, DC—In a carefully phrased, 128-bit encoded announcement that has challenged U.S. security agency procedures, top officials of the National Cryptography and Information Security Councilwarned that "FrpX-K5jE-Oc4n-e5Dn" if "Ha4d-87gH-uiH3-gB5r-g8Bh" late Monday."It may be true, as these codemakers have stated here, that our nationfaces 'm7Hk-sJkd-jZ73-4osd-m6Kh,' Department of Homeland Securityhead Michael Chertoff told reporters in his plaintext response Tuesday."But in our defense, I would hardly call our situation 'K5jE-Oc4n'."The NCISC declined further comment, saying only that its remarks weremeant as constructive criticism, and the CIA, NSA, and FBI may havemisinterpreted the message.