[Humor] Let There Be Light

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? 1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? 2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 4. Rottweiler: Make me. 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! 7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture 9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb! 10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. 11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb." 12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? 13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... 14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb
? Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: "How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

[Humor] Bad Call

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all

the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify

for this job." Mujibar said, "I am ready" The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,

and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center

for computer problems.No doubt you have spoken to him. I have .

[Humor] Dim Bulb

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work,
But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"

Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside- down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,
So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,

"What in the name of goodness are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out."

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,

"...And where do you think you're going?!"
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."

[Adult] Battle of the Ex-es

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch" --Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

[Adult] Daddy-O

Who's The Daddy?The following are all replies that Dallas TX women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details". Or putting it another way...Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms (truth be told?). (Number 10 takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up. Number 5 gives new meaning to people from Virginia 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 7. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time...well, I don't have clue. 8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom . 9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized. 10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[Humor] Safety Last

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in cockpit.S: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.S: Live bugs on back-order.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.S: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.S: DME volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.S: That's what friction locks are for.P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.S: Suspect you're right.P: Number 3 engine missing.S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.P: Target radar hums.S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit.S: Cat installed.P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Interest] Unburden

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:* Accept that some days you're the pigeon,And some days you're the statue.* Always keep your words soft and sweet,Just in case you have to eat them.* Always read stuff that will make you look goodIf you die in the middle of it.* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can beRecalled by their maker.* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,It was probably worth it.* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others.* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,Because then you won't have a leg to stand on.* Nobody cares if you can't dance well.Just get up and dance.* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.* The second mouse gets the cheese.* When everything's coming your way,You're in the wrong lane.* Birthdays are good for you.The more you have, the longer you live.* You may be only one person in the world,But you may also be the world to one person.* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today...I did.



Have a super day!!!

[Spirited] Put That Down

Stress
A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience,Raised a glass of water and asked"How heavy is this glass of water?"Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.It depends on how long you try to hold it.If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."He continued,"And that's the way it is with stress management.If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,As the burden becomes increasingly heavy,We won't be able to carry on. ""As with the glass of water,You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.""So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down.Don't carry it home.You can pick it up tomorrow.Whatever burdens you're carrying now,Let them down for a moment if you can."So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now.Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

[Adult] Shrink Rap

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years
they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the
wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.

[Adult] Hit The Highway

Jose and Carlos are panhandlingat the freeway off ramp.

Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in amortgage-free house and has a lotof money to spend. Carlos only bringsin 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asksJose how he can bring home a suitcasefull of $10 bills every day. Jose says,"Look at your sign."It reads: "I have no work, a wifeand six kids to support."

Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10to move back to Mexico."

[Humor] Sleep Tight

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her nextcheckup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicinesthat had been prescribed for her.As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as herealized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith,do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?" “Yes, they help me sleep at night.”"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in thesethat could possibly help you sleep!"She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I knowthat. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass oforange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believeme, it helps me sleep at night."

[Adult] Night Moves

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman becameaware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across hershoulders and the small of her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the otherside to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips,first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh,stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.By this time the woman was becoming aroused and shesquirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed."Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."

[Adult] Dog Fight

The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that if they continued > fighting, they would someday end > > up destroying the world. > > > > So they sat down and decided to settle the whole > > dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that > > each country would take five years to develop the best > > fighting dog they could. > > > > The dog that won the fight would earn its country the > > right to rule the disputed areas. > > > > The losing side would have to lay down its arms. > > > > The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and > > Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and > > then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian > > wolves. > > > > They selected only t he biggest, strongest puppy from > > each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed them > > the best food . They used steroids and trainers in > > their quest for the perfect killing machine. > > > > After the five years were up, they had a dog that > > needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers > > could handle this beast. When the day of the big fight > > arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal. > > > > It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry > > for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird > > animal stood a chance against the growling beast in > > the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would > > win in less than a minute. The cages were opened. The > > Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring. > > > > The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged th e giant > > wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the > > Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and > > swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was > > nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer > > dog's tail. > > > > The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads > > in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top > > scientists and breeders worked for five years with the > > meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They > > developed a killing machine." > > > > "Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top > > plastic surgeons working for five years to make an > > alligator look like a Dachshund."

[Humor] Cry Baby

Seniors Having Babies... With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 75-year-old woman was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. ''May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "When he cries!" she told them. "When he cries?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?" "Because I forgot where I put him."

[Humor] Family Health Plan

A man suffered a serious heart attack which required >> bypass surgery . He >> Awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of >> nuns at a Catholic >> Hospital. >> >> As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions about >> how he was going >> To pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health >> insurance. He replied, >> In a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if >> he had money in >> The bank. >> He replied, "No money in the bank." >> >> The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help >> you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." >> The nun became agitated and loudly announced, "Nuns are >> not spinsters! >> Nuns are married to God." >> >> The patient replied, " Then send the bill to my >> brother-in-law."