Sunday, December 30, 2007
[Spirited] This Call's For You
CELL PHONE vs. BIBLE I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phones? What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets? What if we flipped through it several times a day? What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it? What if we used it to receive messages from the text? What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it? What if we gave them to kids as gifts? What if we used it when we traveled? What if we used it in case of emergency? This is something to make you go . . . hmm . . . where is my Bible? Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill. Makes you stop a nd think, 'Where are my priorities?' -And no dropped calls! PS - DO WHAT YOU THINK GOD WOULD WANT YOU TO DO WITH THIS MESSAGE?
[Interest] Finger Food For Thought
The History of the Middle Finger
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.
[Spirited] The Other Side
A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side." Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know." "You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness. Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing...
I know my Master is there and that is enough."
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness. Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing...
I know my Master is there and that is enough."
[Adult] I Do, I Do
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not." (DARN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniv ersary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!" (HE ASKED FOR IT!) ***************************************** Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?" She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not." (DARN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniv ersary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!" (HE ASKED FOR IT!) ***************************************** Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?" She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
[Spirited] Hold My Hand
GRANDMA'S HANDS
Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," she said in a clear strong voice. "I didn't mean to disturb you, Grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK," I explained to her. "Have you ever looked at your hands?" she asked. "I mean really looked at your hands?" I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making. Grandma smiled and related the following story: "Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. "These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. "They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war. They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. "They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. "They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse. They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. "They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. "These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life. But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ." I will never look at my hands the same again. God reached out and took my grandma's hands and led her home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband I think of Grandma. I know she has been held by the hands of God. And I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my face.
Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," she said in a clear strong voice. "I didn't mean to disturb you, Grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK," I explained to her. "Have you ever looked at your hands?" she asked. "I mean really looked at your hands?" I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making. Grandma smiled and related the following story: "Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. "These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. "They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war. They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. "They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. "They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse. They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. "They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. "These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life. But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ." I will never look at my hands the same again. God reached out and took my grandma's hands and led her home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband I think of Grandma. I know she has been held by the hands of God. And I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my face.
[Humor] Jailhouse Rock
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him. After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him. Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?' Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.' 'Jail?' cried Sam. 'You?! What on earth for?' 'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yes,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?' 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.' 'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
[Interest] All The Poop
I'm sure all parents can relate to this.Those who don't have kids,but plan to, this is what you're in for.And those of you with babies.....don't let them grow too fast.LOL 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall. By Shannon Popkin My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned- 3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco. Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall: 'Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on DA toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?' At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity. Cade continued, 'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh ... Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy! I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!' 'No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!' He started to gag at this point. 'Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!' As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be Reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone. 'Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!' He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. 'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under DA door? What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?' More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation. 'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.' He started pounding on the door. 'Mommy,don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!' I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, 'Where's the fine print on the motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?' But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow. (Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan, where she no longer uses public restrooms)
[Humor] Fight Club
From The Onion web site
**********
Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons
WASHINGTON, DC——Autumn, which had been slotted between summer and winter, will be replaced by stifling humidity, constant sunshine, and little precipitation. Study Finds Working At Work Improves Productivity WASHINGTON, DC——The groundbreaking research found that by simply sitting down and doing work, employees can dramatically increase their output of goods and services.
****************
Child On White House Tour Momentarily Seizes Control Of Nation
WASHINGTON, DC ——Myers spent much of his reign, which lasted from approximately 2:00 p.m. to 2:15 p.m., spinning in circles in the president's chair. Gerbil Growing Distant TEMPE, AZ ——"Lately it's almost as if he cares more about burrowing in his wood chips than he does about me," owner Doug Kerlin said.
Pool Cues Go Unused In Disappointing Bar Fight
SIOUX CITY, IA——Patrons of the Clover Leaf Tavern expressed dismay Saturday after a fight between Jeffrey Kline, 32, and James Dougherty, 30, ended without either participant breaking one of the establishment's numerous pool cues over the other's head.
"The whole thing was a big letdown," bartender Kurt Neelan said of the anticlimactic brawl, during which not one person present was thrown through a table or plate glass window, nor threatened with a beer bottle broken on the edge of the bar. "It was all over in about 30 seconds. The least you'd expect is for someone to get slid head-first down the length of the entire bar, or have their face rammed through the jukebox, prompting a wild honky-tonk song."
Witnesses were further dissatisfied later that evening when patron Carl Hume's car failed to explode after an inebriated Hume overturned the vehicle in an attempt to jump a curb in the bar's parking lot.
**********
Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons
WASHINGTON, DC——Autumn, which had been slotted between summer and winter, will be replaced by stifling humidity, constant sunshine, and little precipitation. Study Finds Working At Work Improves Productivity WASHINGTON, DC——The groundbreaking research found that by simply sitting down and doing work, employees can dramatically increase their output of goods and services.
****************
Child On White House Tour Momentarily Seizes Control Of Nation
WASHINGTON, DC ——Myers spent much of his reign, which lasted from approximately 2:00 p.m. to 2:15 p.m., spinning in circles in the president's chair. Gerbil Growing Distant TEMPE, AZ ——"Lately it's almost as if he cares more about burrowing in his wood chips than he does about me," owner Doug Kerlin said.
Pool Cues Go Unused In Disappointing Bar Fight
SIOUX CITY, IA——Patrons of the Clover Leaf Tavern expressed dismay Saturday after a fight between Jeffrey Kline, 32, and James Dougherty, 30, ended without either participant breaking one of the establishment's numerous pool cues over the other's head.
"The whole thing was a big letdown," bartender Kurt Neelan said of the anticlimactic brawl, during which not one person present was thrown through a table or plate glass window, nor threatened with a beer bottle broken on the edge of the bar. "It was all over in about 30 seconds. The least you'd expect is for someone to get slid head-first down the length of the entire bar, or have their face rammed through the jukebox, prompting a wild honky-tonk song."
Witnesses were further dissatisfied later that evening when patron Carl Hume's car failed to explode after an inebriated Hume overturned the vehicle in an attempt to jump a curb in the bar's parking lot.
[Humor] Bad Call
Hello and thank you for calling Fulton County Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons , you'll just mess it up. This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. Well, my job is done .....Your turn
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons , you'll just mess it up. This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. Well, my job is done .....Your turn
[Adult] Hot Stuff
HELL E XPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT The follo wing is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. < /DIV> The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN "A"
[Interest] Old News
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.Old Age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day.
[Interest] Proper English
English is really crazy
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
[Spirited] Love Letter
A Letter from God to His Children
(from an anonymous source)
Dear children,
It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't actually born during this time of the year and that it was some of you're predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually a time of pagan festival. Although I do appreciate being remembered anytime.
How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth just, GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Now, having said that let Me go on.
If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.
Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can and may remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgot that one, look up John 15:1-8.
If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it.
1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.
2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.
3. Instead of writing George complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up. It will be nice hearing from you again.
4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.
5. Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.
6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile it could make the difference. Also, you might consider supporting the local Hot-Line: they talk with people like that every day.
7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families.
8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary, especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name. You may already know someone like that.
9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them (and I suspect you don't) buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Marines, the Salvation Army or some other charity that believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.
10. Finally if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.
GOD
P.S. – Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a blessed Christmas with all those whom you love and remember, I LOVE YOU.
(from an anonymous source)
Dear children,
It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't actually born during this time of the year and that it was some of you're predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually a time of pagan festival. Although I do appreciate being remembered anytime.
How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth just, GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Now, having said that let Me go on.
If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.
Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can and may remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgot that one, look up John 15:1-8.
If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it.
1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.
2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.
3. Instead of writing George complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up. It will be nice hearing from you again.
4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.
5. Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.
6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile it could make the difference. Also, you might consider supporting the local Hot-Line: they talk with people like that every day.
7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families.
8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary, especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name. You may already know someone like that.
9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them (and I suspect you don't) buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Marines, the Salvation Army or some other charity that believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.
10. Finally if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.
GOD
P.S. – Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a blessed Christmas with all those whom you love and remember, I LOVE YOU.
[Humor] I'm (Almost) Lovin' It
FROM 'THE ONION" WEB SITE:
'Not Quite Perfect' McDonald's Opens In Illinois Outlet Mall Issue 41•19
GURNEE, IL—Hungry shoppers at the Gurnee Mills outlet mall can now get a name-brand lunch at a bargain-basement price, thanks to the Monday opening of McDonald's first "Not Quite Perfect" outlet store, offering imperfect and irregular items from the fast-food giant's menu.
"It's true that consistency is part of what makes McDonald's the leader in the fast-food industry, but so is good value," said Brian Landers, manager of the McDonald's outlet. "When customers see the low, low prices, they're more than willing to give our Six-Piece Quarter Pounders and Fish McGriddles a try. The food's a little different at this McDonald's, but it's really very close."
Continued Landers: "Now, who's ready for factory seconds?!"
Located next to a Levi's outlet store offering mis-stitched and off-season apparel, the McDonald's outlet will be the destination for all products that do not meet the strict requirements of the restaurant's 30,000 regular stores worldwide.
"McDonald's prides itself on having exacting standards for its products," Landers said. "But throwing away all-carrot Salad Shakers, parallelogram-shaped hash browns, and McRibNuggets seemed so wasteful. With more of our customers struggling to make ends meet, we knew people would appreciate the opportunity to buy these slightly irregular products at irresistibly low prices."
In addition to factory mistakes, the outlet will offer items that were tested in limited markets but never received a wide release.
"We had a warehouse full of meat patties made in the shape of our golden-arch logo," Landers said. "A young, quickly fired executive thought it would be a good idea to make an 'M'-shaped burger, but it was expensive to produce, and depending where you took a bite, you had a very good chance of getting no beef. Plus, who's going to open up a burger just to look at the oddly shaped meat patty? Now, we're thawing them out and serving them up for only 30 cents apiece."
Landers said that, while a number of customers have been wary, the prices are so astounding that "people always come back for more."
"I've seen more than one person approach our firm-serve cones with skepticism," Landers said. "But at 20 cents each, we can hardly keep them in stock."
Landers added, "Once they get over the mental block after eating a flash-frozen pyramid of vanilla ice cream, customers realize they just can't beat these prices."
The outlet store, at 32,000 square feet, is the largest McDonald's in the world. In addition to serving irregular meal items, the outlet store houses irregular McDonald's decor.
A $1.99 value meal available at the "Not Quite Perfect" McDonald's."These aren't the traditional McDonald's color schemes," Landers said, gesturing to chairs and tables in puce, mottled gray, and army green. "And while some customers make comments about our posters—a printer placed a black child's head on top of a white, elderly cashier's body—well, I think they look very nice once you get used to them."
The outlet also features a shop that sells irregular McDonald's products like boxes of frozen foot-long fries and bags of unsweetened orange-drink syrup.
"The bulk-foods section of the shop hasn't caught on as well as we'd hoped," Landers said. "We think that may be in part a question of functionality. Our 10-gallon buckets of McRib sauce, for example, are reasonably priced, but most people don't have condiment pumps at home. Of course, even those who do are sometimes disappointed to find relish inside."
The outlet's PlayPlace features not-quite-perfect McDonaldland icons.
"Parents worry about our ball pit, but those triangular balls meet Illinois minimum-safety requirements," Landers said. "What we've really gotten complaints about are the statues of the McDonaldland characters. Ronald McDonald's eyes were put in wrong so he's looking in two different directions, our Grimace is pink, and for some reason, the Hamburglar has no teeth."
In spite of the few complaints, most outlet patrons say the bargain prices are well worth enduring the irregular food.
"It's not like the meat's tainted," said Mack Vesper, a longtime McDonald's customer. "A Quarter Pounder on a half-size seedless bun tastes just as good. And, while the gray Shamrock Shake took some getting used to, once you realize that you're getting all the flavor at an eighth of the price, you adapt. Besides, who looks at the color of the shake once you start drinking it?"
Some customers said the "Not Quite Perfect" McDonald's is not for them.
"I'll never take my children there again," said Anita Sibakis, mother of three. "They opened up the Happy Meal and there were headless Mulan figurines in there. It scared the bejesus out my youngest."
'Not Quite Perfect' McDonald's Opens In Illinois Outlet Mall Issue 41•19
GURNEE, IL—Hungry shoppers at the Gurnee Mills outlet mall can now get a name-brand lunch at a bargain-basement price, thanks to the Monday opening of McDonald's first "Not Quite Perfect" outlet store, offering imperfect and irregular items from the fast-food giant's menu.
"It's true that consistency is part of what makes McDonald's the leader in the fast-food industry, but so is good value," said Brian Landers, manager of the McDonald's outlet. "When customers see the low, low prices, they're more than willing to give our Six-Piece Quarter Pounders and Fish McGriddles a try. The food's a little different at this McDonald's, but it's really very close."
Continued Landers: "Now, who's ready for factory seconds?!"
Located next to a Levi's outlet store offering mis-stitched and off-season apparel, the McDonald's outlet will be the destination for all products that do not meet the strict requirements of the restaurant's 30,000 regular stores worldwide.
"McDonald's prides itself on having exacting standards for its products," Landers said. "But throwing away all-carrot Salad Shakers, parallelogram-shaped hash browns, and McRibNuggets seemed so wasteful. With more of our customers struggling to make ends meet, we knew people would appreciate the opportunity to buy these slightly irregular products at irresistibly low prices."
In addition to factory mistakes, the outlet will offer items that were tested in limited markets but never received a wide release.
"We had a warehouse full of meat patties made in the shape of our golden-arch logo," Landers said. "A young, quickly fired executive thought it would be a good idea to make an 'M'-shaped burger, but it was expensive to produce, and depending where you took a bite, you had a very good chance of getting no beef. Plus, who's going to open up a burger just to look at the oddly shaped meat patty? Now, we're thawing them out and serving them up for only 30 cents apiece."
Landers said that, while a number of customers have been wary, the prices are so astounding that "people always come back for more."
"I've seen more than one person approach our firm-serve cones with skepticism," Landers said. "But at 20 cents each, we can hardly keep them in stock."
Landers added, "Once they get over the mental block after eating a flash-frozen pyramid of vanilla ice cream, customers realize they just can't beat these prices."
The outlet store, at 32,000 square feet, is the largest McDonald's in the world. In addition to serving irregular meal items, the outlet store houses irregular McDonald's decor.
A $1.99 value meal available at the "Not Quite Perfect" McDonald's."These aren't the traditional McDonald's color schemes," Landers said, gesturing to chairs and tables in puce, mottled gray, and army green. "And while some customers make comments about our posters—a printer placed a black child's head on top of a white, elderly cashier's body—well, I think they look very nice once you get used to them."
The outlet also features a shop that sells irregular McDonald's products like boxes of frozen foot-long fries and bags of unsweetened orange-drink syrup.
"The bulk-foods section of the shop hasn't caught on as well as we'd hoped," Landers said. "We think that may be in part a question of functionality. Our 10-gallon buckets of McRib sauce, for example, are reasonably priced, but most people don't have condiment pumps at home. Of course, even those who do are sometimes disappointed to find relish inside."
The outlet's PlayPlace features not-quite-perfect McDonaldland icons.
"Parents worry about our ball pit, but those triangular balls meet Illinois minimum-safety requirements," Landers said. "What we've really gotten complaints about are the statues of the McDonaldland characters. Ronald McDonald's eyes were put in wrong so he's looking in two different directions, our Grimace is pink, and for some reason, the Hamburglar has no teeth."
In spite of the few complaints, most outlet patrons say the bargain prices are well worth enduring the irregular food.
"It's not like the meat's tainted," said Mack Vesper, a longtime McDonald's customer. "A Quarter Pounder on a half-size seedless bun tastes just as good. And, while the gray Shamrock Shake took some getting used to, once you realize that you're getting all the flavor at an eighth of the price, you adapt. Besides, who looks at the color of the shake once you start drinking it?"
Some customers said the "Not Quite Perfect" McDonald's is not for them.
"I'll never take my children there again," said Anita Sibakis, mother of three. "They opened up the Happy Meal and there were headless Mulan figurines in there. It scared the bejesus out my youngest."
[Spirited] Faith Takes A Holiday
In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, 'Case dismissed!'I don't know if this is true, but it sure is a great example to follow!
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and *Now get out of my Courtroom.*
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and *Now get out of my Courtroom.*
[Humor] It's The Law
Murphy's Laws Of Computers
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
[Adult] War Games
New Direction for the war on terrorists. "Send Prior Service Vets over 60 "I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some a**hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b***h.If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night. Share this with your senior friends.It's purposely in big type so you can read it.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some a**hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b***h.If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night. Share this with your senior friends.It's purposely in big type so you can read it.
[Interest] Hard At (Word) Play
NEW WORDS FOR 2007: Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere) 1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. 3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. 5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. 8. SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. 9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. 12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. 13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. 14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message '404 Not Found,' meaning that the requested site could not be located.16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions. 17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an e-mail by mistake.) 18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks. 19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while walking through a Cube Farm.
[Adult] For Real
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks. Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes. There is no fast food. Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money. In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week. Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time. Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment . He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation). He must also make cookies or cupcakes f or a social function. Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times. The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing. During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse. They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting. He will need to read a book to the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes. A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite colour, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up. They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. And then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better. They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, 'You're not the boss of me'. The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. After you get done laughing, send this to as many of your female friends as you think will get a kick out of it, and give them something to smile about. Remember, the gift of laughter is a gift that keeps on giving!
[Interest] Ye Olde Christmas Tyme
SENIOR CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas
at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to th e old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we were so deaf that it just didn't matter.
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best.
~Author Unknown ~
'Twas the night before Christmas
at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to th e old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we were so deaf that it just didn't matter.
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best.
~Author Unknown ~
[Interest] And A Happy New Year
~*~ YOUR CONTRACT ~*~
After serious & cautious consideration.....
your contract of friendship
has been renewed for the New Year 2008! It was a very hard decision to make.
So try not to screw it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2008 May peace break into your house
and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans
become a magnet of $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline
and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success
like smoking tires
and may happiness slap you across the face
and may your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had
forget your home address!
In simple words ............ May 2008 be the best year of your life!!!
After serious & cautious consideration.....
your contract of friendship
has been renewed for the New Year 2008! It was a very hard decision to make.
So try not to screw it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2008 May peace break into your house
and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans
become a magnet of $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline
and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success
like smoking tires
and may happiness slap you across the face
and may your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had
forget your home address!
In simple words ............ May 2008 be the best year of your life!!!
[Spirited] A New Wrinkle
THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT
My husband and I had been happily Married (most of the time)For five yearsBut hadn't been blessed with a baby.
I decided to do some seriousPraying and promised GodThat if he would give us a child,I would be a perfect mother, Love it with all my heartAnd raise it with His wordAs my guide.
God answered my prayersAnd blessed us with a son.
The next year God blessed usWith another son.
The following year,He blessed us with Yet another son.
The year after that weWere blessed with a daughter.
My husband thought we'dBeen blessed right into poverty.We now had four children,And the oldest was onlyFour years old.
I learned never to ask GodFor anything unless I meant it.As a minister once told me,'If you pray for rain,Make sure you carry an umbrella.'
I began reading a few versesOf the Bible to the children Each day as they lay in their cribs.
I was off to a good start.God had entrusted meWith four children andI didn't want to disappoint Him.
I tried to be patient the dayThe children smashed Two dozen eggs onThe kitchen floor searchingFor baby chicks.
I tried to be understanding...
When they started a hotel forHomeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me
Nearly two hoursTo catch all twenty-three frogs .
When my daughter pouredKetchup all over herself and Rolled up in a blanket to seeHow it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humorRather than the mess.
In spite of changing overTwenty-five thousand diapers,Never eating a hot meal And never sleeping for moreThan thirty minutes at a time,I still thank God daily for my children.
While I couldn't keep my promiseTo be a perfect mother -I didn't even come close...I did keep my promiseTo raise them in the Word of God.
I knew I was missing the markJust a little when I told My daughter we were goingTo church to worship God,And she wanted to bringA bar of soap along to'wash up' Jesus, too.
Something was lostIn the translation whenI explained thatGod gave us everlasting life,And my son thought it wasGenerous of God to giveUs his 'last wife.'
My proudest moment cameDuring the children'sChristmas pageant.
My daughter was playing Mary, Two of my sons were shepherdsAnd my youngest son was a wise man.This was their moment to shine.
My five-year-old shepherdHad practiced his line,'We found the babe wrappedIn swaddling clothes.'
But he was nervous and said,'The baby was wrappedIn wrinkled clothes.'
My four-year-old 'Mary' said,'That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly.
That's dirty, rotten clothes.'
A wrestling match broke outBetween Mary and the shepherdAnd was stopped by an angel,Who bent her halo and lost Her left wing.
I slouched a little lowerIn my seat when MaryDropped the doll representingBaby Jesus, and it bouncedDown the aisle crying, 'Mama-mama.'
Mary grabbed the doll,Wrapped it back upAnd held it tightly asThe wise men arrived.
My other son stepped forwardWearing a bathrobe And a paper crown,Knelt at the manger And announced,'We are the three wise men,And we are bringing giftsOf gold, Common sense And fur.'
The congregationDissolved into laughter,And the pageantGot a standing ovation.
'I've never enjoyed a Christmas Program as much as this one,'Laughed the pastor, Wiping tears from his eyes.
'For the rest of my life,I'll never hear theChristmas story withoutThinking of Gold, Common sense And fur.'
'My children are my pride And my joy and my greatestBlessing,' I said as I dugThrough my purse for an aspirin.
My husband and I had been happily Married (most of the time)For five yearsBut hadn't been blessed with a baby.
I decided to do some seriousPraying and promised GodThat if he would give us a child,I would be a perfect mother, Love it with all my heartAnd raise it with His wordAs my guide.
God answered my prayersAnd blessed us with a son.
The next year God blessed usWith another son.
The following year,He blessed us with Yet another son.
The year after that weWere blessed with a daughter.
My husband thought we'dBeen blessed right into poverty.We now had four children,And the oldest was onlyFour years old.
I learned never to ask GodFor anything unless I meant it.As a minister once told me,'If you pray for rain,Make sure you carry an umbrella.'
I began reading a few versesOf the Bible to the children Each day as they lay in their cribs.
I was off to a good start.God had entrusted meWith four children andI didn't want to disappoint Him.
I tried to be patient the dayThe children smashed Two dozen eggs onThe kitchen floor searchingFor baby chicks.
I tried to be understanding...
When they started a hotel forHomeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me
Nearly two hoursTo catch all twenty-three frogs .
When my daughter pouredKetchup all over herself and Rolled up in a blanket to seeHow it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humorRather than the mess.
In spite of changing overTwenty-five thousand diapers,Never eating a hot meal And never sleeping for moreThan thirty minutes at a time,I still thank God daily for my children.
While I couldn't keep my promiseTo be a perfect mother -I didn't even come close...I did keep my promiseTo raise them in the Word of God.
I knew I was missing the markJust a little when I told My daughter we were goingTo church to worship God,And she wanted to bringA bar of soap along to'wash up' Jesus, too.
Something was lostIn the translation whenI explained thatGod gave us everlasting life,And my son thought it wasGenerous of God to giveUs his 'last wife.'
My proudest moment cameDuring the children'sChristmas pageant.
My daughter was playing Mary, Two of my sons were shepherdsAnd my youngest son was a wise man.This was their moment to shine.
My five-year-old shepherdHad practiced his line,'We found the babe wrappedIn swaddling clothes.'
But he was nervous and said,'The baby was wrappedIn wrinkled clothes.'
My four-year-old 'Mary' said,'That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly.
That's dirty, rotten clothes.'
A wrestling match broke outBetween Mary and the shepherdAnd was stopped by an angel,Who bent her halo and lost Her left wing.
I slouched a little lowerIn my seat when MaryDropped the doll representingBaby Jesus, and it bouncedDown the aisle crying, 'Mama-mama.'
Mary grabbed the doll,Wrapped it back upAnd held it tightly asThe wise men arrived.
My other son stepped forwardWearing a bathrobe And a paper crown,Knelt at the manger And announced,'We are the three wise men,And we are bringing giftsOf gold, Common sense And fur.'
The congregationDissolved into laughter,And the pageantGot a standing ovation.
'I've never enjoyed a Christmas Program as much as this one,'Laughed the pastor, Wiping tears from his eyes.
'For the rest of my life,I'll never hear theChristmas story withoutThinking of Gold, Common sense And fur.'
'My children are my pride And my joy and my greatestBlessing,' I said as I dugThrough my purse for an aspirin.
[Interest] Time To Retire
And They Ask---Why I Like Retirement????
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. Question: What do you do all week?Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing Saturday & Sunday I rest. Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them! AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to!!
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. Question: What do you do all week?Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing Saturday & Sunday I rest. Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them! AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to!!
[Adult] It's A Guy Thing
Subject: Fw: Why men don't write advice columns.......
see following example from a Man (News Column Advisor)...
Dear Bob:I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving myhusband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than amile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to ahalt.I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn'tbelieve my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making madpassionate love to her.I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.When I confronted him, he tried to make it sound like he went into theback yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue and found herunconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed,and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him andkissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. Butwhen I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke downand admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job sixmonths ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed andworthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatumhe has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through tohim anymore. Can you please help?Sincerely,Mrs. Sheila U.Dear Sheila:A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by avariety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is nodebris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the Jubilee clips holdingthe vacuum hoses onto the intake manifold. If none of these approachessolves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.I hope this helps.Bob
see following example from a Man (News Column Advisor)...
Dear Bob:I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving myhusband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than amile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to ahalt.I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn'tbelieve my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making madpassionate love to her.I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.When I confronted him, he tried to make it sound like he went into theback yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue and found herunconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed,and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him andkissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. Butwhen I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke downand admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job sixmonths ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed andworthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatumhe has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through tohim anymore. Can you please help?Sincerely,Mrs. Sheila U.Dear Sheila:A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by avariety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is nodebris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the Jubilee clips holdingthe vacuum hoses onto the intake manifold. If none of these approachessolves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.I hope this helps.Bob
[Interest] You'd Better Watch Out
'Avoid Death' Is Named Wackiest LabelBy RON VAMPLE,APPosted: 2007-12-13 11:36:47
DETROIT (Dec. 13) - A warning on a small tractor that reads "Danger: Avoid Death" has been chosen as the nation's wackiest warning label by an anti-lawsuit group.
The Wacky Warning Label Contest, now in its 11th year, is conducted by Novi-based Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch as part of an effort to show the effects of lawsuits on warning labels.
Kevin Soave of Farmington Hills, a Detroit suburb, won the $500 grand prize for submitting the winning label.
The $250 second place was given to Carrianne, Jacob and Robby Turin of Greensburg, Pa., for a label they found on an iron-on T-shirt transfer that warns: "Do not iron while wearing shirt."
Richard Goodnow of Lancaster, Mass., earned the $100 third-place prize for a label on a baby stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: "Do not put child in bag."
Contest organizer Bob Dorigo Jones says the silly labels reflect how broken America's civil justice system is.
"Predatory lawyers know they can file ridiculous lawsuits against innocent product makers and blackmail them into a cash settlement - even in cases in which a user has ignored common sense," Dorigo Jones said.
Those who oppose the contest say that while some warning labels may seem silly, even dumb warnings can do good. They have a warning of their own: Don't be so quick to laugh at labels that help save lives.
Honorable mention went to Cyndi LaMonde of Traverse City for a label on a letter opener that says: "Caution: Safety goggles recommended."
Ann Marie Young of Fillmore, N.Y., took the second honorable mention for a warning she found which cautions users: "The Vanishing Fabric Marker should not be used as a writing instrument for signing checks or any legal documents."
The group selected a list of finalists and listeners of WOMC-FM's Dick Purtan show chose the winners.
On the Net:
http://www.wackywarnings.com/
DETROIT (Dec. 13) - A warning on a small tractor that reads "Danger: Avoid Death" has been chosen as the nation's wackiest warning label by an anti-lawsuit group.
The Wacky Warning Label Contest, now in its 11th year, is conducted by Novi-based Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch as part of an effort to show the effects of lawsuits on warning labels.
Kevin Soave of Farmington Hills, a Detroit suburb, won the $500 grand prize for submitting the winning label.
The $250 second place was given to Carrianne, Jacob and Robby Turin of Greensburg, Pa., for a label they found on an iron-on T-shirt transfer that warns: "Do not iron while wearing shirt."
Richard Goodnow of Lancaster, Mass., earned the $100 third-place prize for a label on a baby stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: "Do not put child in bag."
Contest organizer Bob Dorigo Jones says the silly labels reflect how broken America's civil justice system is.
"Predatory lawyers know they can file ridiculous lawsuits against innocent product makers and blackmail them into a cash settlement - even in cases in which a user has ignored common sense," Dorigo Jones said.
Those who oppose the contest say that while some warning labels may seem silly, even dumb warnings can do good. They have a warning of their own: Don't be so quick to laugh at labels that help save lives.
Honorable mention went to Cyndi LaMonde of Traverse City for a label on a letter opener that says: "Caution: Safety goggles recommended."
Ann Marie Young of Fillmore, N.Y., took the second honorable mention for a warning she found which cautions users: "The Vanishing Fabric Marker should not be used as a writing instrument for signing checks or any legal documents."
The group selected a list of finalists and listeners of WOMC-FM's Dick Purtan show chose the winners.
On the Net:
http://www.wackywarnings.com/
[Interest] Call Me Santa
IF I WERE SANTA
If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do;I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you,and deliver some things just inside your front door,things you have lost, but treasured before.I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,and to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.Then restore the old color tha t once graced your hair,before rinses and bleaches took residence there.I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted,so things now suspended need not be uplifted.I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your backuntil you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin,so you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spellsand you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes;no searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fannyfrom a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.
You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you takeand no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid.You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of cupid.I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistleand the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me;the matronliest of matrons you ever did see.I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,but I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot. Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere;Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.
If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do;I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you,and deliver some things just inside your front door,things you have lost, but treasured before.I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,and to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.Then restore the old color tha t once graced your hair,before rinses and bleaches took residence there.I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted,so things now suspended need not be uplifted.I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your backuntil you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin,so you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spellsand you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes;no searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fannyfrom a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.
You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you takeand no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid.You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of cupid.I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistleand the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me;the matronliest of matrons you ever did see.I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,but I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot. Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere;Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.
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