Paul Newman
Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this true story.
(if you don't understand this, tell your mother, she'll get it)
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.
She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store.
Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.
The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.
Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty.
Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight.
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman,
"You put it in your purse."
Thursday, March 27, 2008
[Adult] It Pays To Advertize
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:
1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up
to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to hi m and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.
9. You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's former President Clinton.
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.
That's America.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:
1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up
to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to hi m and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.
9. You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's former President Clinton.
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.
That's America.
[Interest] How Grand
LOVE IS GRAND
Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~Author Unknown
What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change,
and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret
Grandmothers are just "antique" little girls. ~Author Unknown
Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.
~Welsh Proverb
A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead
of the television. ~Author Unknown
Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal
Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just
a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown
Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because
Grandfathers have only so many horsey rides in them. ~Gene Perret
When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.
~Ogden Nash
Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just
you all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree
Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. ~Author unknown
Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our
hearts forever. ~Author Unknown
If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren,
I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse
My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after
two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret
If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should
advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is
no fun for old people like it! ~Hannah Whithall Smith
It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the
world calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown
Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing
old. ~Mary H. Waldrip
You do not really understand something unless you can explain
it to your grandmother. ~Proverb
An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again.
Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You
feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long
periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida . ~Dave Barry
I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for
self-defense. ~Gene Perret
Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas
are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do.
Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of
little children. ~Alex Haley
Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of
practice. ~Author Unknown
A grandpar ent is old on the outside but young on
the inside. ~Author Unknown
One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new
grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove
It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you
become one. ~Author Unknown
If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses,
sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the
time," you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have
around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their
grandchildren. ~Author Unknown
What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say
that grandparents are God's g ifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they
can mature at a fast rate. ~Bill Cosby
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge
that he's married to a grandmother. ~G. Norman Collie
Grandchildren are the rewards you get for NOT killing your own teenagers.~Unknown
Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~Author Unknown
What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change,
and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret
Grandmothers are just "antique" little girls. ~Author Unknown
Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.
~Welsh Proverb
A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead
of the television. ~Author Unknown
Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal
Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just
a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown
Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because
Grandfathers have only so many horsey rides in them. ~Gene Perret
When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.
~Ogden Nash
Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just
you all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree
Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. ~Author unknown
Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our
hearts forever. ~Author Unknown
If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren,
I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse
My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after
two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret
If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should
advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is
no fun for old people like it! ~Hannah Whithall Smith
It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the
world calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown
Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing
old. ~Mary H. Waldrip
You do not really understand something unless you can explain
it to your grandmother. ~Proverb
An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again.
Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You
feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long
periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida . ~Dave Barry
I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for
self-defense. ~Gene Perret
Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas
are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do.
Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of
little children. ~Alex Haley
Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of
practice. ~Author Unknown
A grandpar ent is old on the outside but young on
the inside. ~Author Unknown
One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new
grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove
It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you
become one. ~Author Unknown
If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses,
sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the
time," you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have
around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their
grandchildren. ~Author Unknown
What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say
that grandparents are God's g ifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they
can mature at a fast rate. ~Bill Cosby
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge
that he's married to a grandmother. ~G. Norman Collie
Grandchildren are the rewards you get for NOT killing your own teenagers.~Unknown
[Humor] Hard At Work
DOING TIME
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer:
PRISON
You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
WORK You spend most of your time in an 6X6 cubicle
PRISON
You get three meals a day, fully paid for
WORK You get a break for one meal and
you have to pay for it
PRISON
For good behavior, you get time off
WORK For good behavior, you get more work
PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
WORK
You must carry a security card
and open all the doors yourself
PRISON
You can watch TV and play games
WORK You could get fired for watching
TV and playing games
PRISON
You get your own toilet
WORK You have to share the toilet with
people who pee on the seat
PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit
WORK You aren't even supposed to speak
to your family
PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
WORK You must pay all your expenses to go
to work, and they deduct taxes from
your salary to pay for prisoners
PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
WORK You spend most of your time wanting
to get out and go inside bars
PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens
WORK
They are called "managers"
THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.
Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails.
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer:
PRISON
You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
WORK You spend most of your time in an 6X6 cubicle
PRISON
You get three meals a day, fully paid for
WORK You get a break for one meal and
you have to pay for it
PRISON
For good behavior, you get time off
WORK For good behavior, you get more work
PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
WORK
You must carry a security card
and open all the doors yourself
PRISON
You can watch TV and play games
WORK You could get fired for watching
TV and playing games
PRISON
You get your own toilet
WORK You have to share the toilet with
people who pee on the seat
PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit
WORK You aren't even supposed to speak
to your family
PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
WORK You must pay all your expenses to go
to work, and they deduct taxes from
your salary to pay for prisoners
PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
WORK You spend most of your time wanting
to get out and go inside bars
PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens
WORK
They are called "managers"
THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.
Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails.
[Humor] High Jump
A plane is about to crash. There are 5 passengers on board, but there are only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger says:
"I am Renaldo, the best soccer player in the world. The sports world needs me, and I cannot die on my fans."
He grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says:
"I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am the Senator of New York and I have a good chance of being President of the United States in the future."
She grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says:
"I am the President of the United States of America. I have huge responsibilities in the world. Besides, I am the smartest President in the history of the country, and I can't shun my responsibility to my people by dying."
He grabs a pack and jumps from the plane.
The fourth passenger is the Pope, who says to the fifth passenger, a young school boy:
"I am old. I have lived my life as a good person, as a priest should, and so I shall leave the last parachute to you, so you shall have the rest of your life ahead of you."
To this, the little boy says:
"Don't fret, old man ..... There's a parachute for each of us. The smartest President of America took my schoolbag."
The first passenger says:
"I am Renaldo, the best soccer player in the world. The sports world needs me, and I cannot die on my fans."
He grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says:
"I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am the Senator of New York and I have a good chance of being President of the United States in the future."
She grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says:
"I am the President of the United States of America. I have huge responsibilities in the world. Besides, I am the smartest President in the history of the country, and I can't shun my responsibility to my people by dying."
He grabs a pack and jumps from the plane.
The fourth passenger is the Pope, who says to the fifth passenger, a young school boy:
"I am old. I have lived my life as a good person, as a priest should, and so I shall leave the last parachute to you, so you shall have the rest of your life ahead of you."
To this, the little boy says:
"Don't fret, old man ..... There's a parachute for each of us. The smartest President of America took my schoolbag."
[Spirited] God Knows
GIVE PRAYER A CHANCE
"Watch out! You nearly broadsided that car!" Dad yelled "Can't you do anything right?"
Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward the old man in the seat beside me daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat & I averted my eyes. I wasn't prepared for another battle.
"I saw the car, Dad. Please don't yell at me when I'm driving." My voice was measured, steady & sounded calmer than I felt.
He glared, then turned away & settled. At home I left him in front of the tv & went out to collect my thoughts. Dark heavy clouds hung in the air promising rain, the rumble of thunder echoed my turmoil. What could I do about him?
He'd been a lumberjack in WA & OR, enjoyed being outdoors reveling in pitting his strength against forces of nature. He'd entered grueling lumberjack competitions, often placing. The shelves were full of trophies attesting his prowess.
Years marched on...the 1st time he couldn't lift a log he joked about it, but later I saw him there alone, straining to lift it. He got irritable whenever anyone teased him about his advancing age or when he couldn't do something he did when younger.
Days after his 67th birthday he had a heart attack. An ambulance took him to a hospital with a medic doing CPR. He was rushed into an OR.
He was lucky-he lived. But something inside died. His zest for life. He refused dr's orders, suggestions & help turned aside with sarcasm & insult. Visitors thinned then stopped. He was alone.
My husband Dick & I asked him to live on our farm hoping fresh air & rustic atmosphere would help him adjust, but within a week I regretted it. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything. I got frustrated & moody. Soon I was taking my pentup anger out on Dick & we began to bicker & argue. Alarmed, Dick found our pastor, explained the situation & set up counseling. At the close each time, he prayed & asked god to soothe Dad's troubled mind. But months wore on & god was silent. Something had to be done & it was up to me
Next day I sat with a phonebook methodically calling each mental health clinic & explained my problem to each, but in vain. Just when I gave up, I heard "I just read something that may help. Let me get it."
I listened as she read. The article described a study done at a nursing home. All patients were being treated for chronic depression, yet attitudes improved dramatically when given responsibility for a dog.
I drove to a shelter. After filling a questionnaire a guy led me to kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each had 5-7 dogs; Long haired, curly, black, spotted...all jumped trying to reach me. I studied each, but rejected them for various reasons; too big, small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front & sat...A pointer. 1 of dog worlds' aristocrats...but he was a caricature. Years etched his face with gray & his hips jutted in lopsided triangles, but it was his eyes that caught & held me. Calm & clear they beheld me unwaveringly.
"Tell me about him."
The puzzled guy shook his head. "He's a funny one...appeared from nowhere & sat in front of the gate. We brought him in figuring someone would claim him. That was 2 weeks ago & nothing. His time's up tomorrow" & gestured helplessly.
As his words sank in, I asked in horror "You mean you're gonna kill him?"
"Policy...we don't have room for every unclaimed dog."
I looked at the dog...calm brown eyes waited my decision. "I'll take him".
I drove home with him on the seat beside me.
When I got home I honked the horn & was helping him outta the car when Dad shuffled to the porch.
"Ta-da! Look what I got for you Dad!" I said excitedly.
He looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. "If I wanted a dog, I'd've got 1 & I'd've picked out a better 1 than that bag of bones! Keep it...I don't want it!" He waved his arm scornfully & went back to the house.
Anger rose inside me, squeezing my throat muscles, pounding my temples "You better get used to him Dad. He's staying!"
He ignored me.
"Did you hear me?" I screamed.
He whirled angrily, hands clenched, eyes narrow & blazing hatred. We glared at each other like duelists when suddenly the dog pulled free, wobbled to dad, sat in front of him, then slowly carefully raised a paw.
Dad's jaw trembled as he stared at the paw. Confusion replaced anger, dog waiting patiently, then Dad was on his knees hugging him.
It was the beginning of a warm intimate friendship. Dad named him Cheyenne. They explored the community together, spent hours walking dusty lanes, reflective moments fishing, even attended Sunday services, Dad in a pew & Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet. They were inseparable for 3 yrs. Dad's bitterness faded & they made many friends.
1 night I was startled to feel Cheyenne's nose under our covers. He'd never come in our room. I woke Dick, put on my robe & ran to dad's room. He lay there serenely, but his spirit had quietly left.
Days later my shock & grief deepened when I found Cheyenne dead beside Dad's bed & I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he slept on. As we buried him near his favorite fishing hole I silently thanked him for the help he gave restoring Dad's peace of mind.
Dad's funeral dawned overcast & dreary...like the way I felt walking down the aisle of pews, surprised to see the many friends they'd made, filling the church. The pastor began a tribute to Dad & the dog that changed his life, then turned to Hebrews 13:2 "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers".
"I've often thanked God for sending that angel" he said.
For me the past dropped in place completing a puzzle I hadn't seen. The sympathetic voice that read the right article, Cheyenne's unexpected appearance at the shelter, his calm acceptance & complete devotion & the closeness of their deaths & I suddenly understood...knew God answered my prayer.
"Watch out! You nearly broadsided that car!" Dad yelled "Can't you do anything right?"
Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward the old man in the seat beside me daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat & I averted my eyes. I wasn't prepared for another battle.
"I saw the car, Dad. Please don't yell at me when I'm driving." My voice was measured, steady & sounded calmer than I felt.
He glared, then turned away & settled. At home I left him in front of the tv & went out to collect my thoughts. Dark heavy clouds hung in the air promising rain, the rumble of thunder echoed my turmoil. What could I do about him?
He'd been a lumberjack in WA & OR, enjoyed being outdoors reveling in pitting his strength against forces of nature. He'd entered grueling lumberjack competitions, often placing. The shelves were full of trophies attesting his prowess.
Years marched on...the 1st time he couldn't lift a log he joked about it, but later I saw him there alone, straining to lift it. He got irritable whenever anyone teased him about his advancing age or when he couldn't do something he did when younger.
Days after his 67th birthday he had a heart attack. An ambulance took him to a hospital with a medic doing CPR. He was rushed into an OR.
He was lucky-he lived. But something inside died. His zest for life. He refused dr's orders, suggestions & help turned aside with sarcasm & insult. Visitors thinned then stopped. He was alone.
My husband Dick & I asked him to live on our farm hoping fresh air & rustic atmosphere would help him adjust, but within a week I regretted it. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything. I got frustrated & moody. Soon I was taking my pentup anger out on Dick & we began to bicker & argue. Alarmed, Dick found our pastor, explained the situation & set up counseling. At the close each time, he prayed & asked god to soothe Dad's troubled mind. But months wore on & god was silent. Something had to be done & it was up to me
Next day I sat with a phonebook methodically calling each mental health clinic & explained my problem to each, but in vain. Just when I gave up, I heard "I just read something that may help. Let me get it."
I listened as she read. The article described a study done at a nursing home. All patients were being treated for chronic depression, yet attitudes improved dramatically when given responsibility for a dog.
I drove to a shelter. After filling a questionnaire a guy led me to kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each had 5-7 dogs; Long haired, curly, black, spotted...all jumped trying to reach me. I studied each, but rejected them for various reasons; too big, small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front & sat...A pointer. 1 of dog worlds' aristocrats...but he was a caricature. Years etched his face with gray & his hips jutted in lopsided triangles, but it was his eyes that caught & held me. Calm & clear they beheld me unwaveringly.
"Tell me about him."
The puzzled guy shook his head. "He's a funny one...appeared from nowhere & sat in front of the gate. We brought him in figuring someone would claim him. That was 2 weeks ago & nothing. His time's up tomorrow" & gestured helplessly.
As his words sank in, I asked in horror "You mean you're gonna kill him?"
"Policy...we don't have room for every unclaimed dog."
I looked at the dog...calm brown eyes waited my decision. "I'll take him".
I drove home with him on the seat beside me.
When I got home I honked the horn & was helping him outta the car when Dad shuffled to the porch.
"Ta-da! Look what I got for you Dad!" I said excitedly.
He looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. "If I wanted a dog, I'd've got 1 & I'd've picked out a better 1 than that bag of bones! Keep it...I don't want it!" He waved his arm scornfully & went back to the house.
Anger rose inside me, squeezing my throat muscles, pounding my temples "You better get used to him Dad. He's staying!"
He ignored me.
"Did you hear me?" I screamed.
He whirled angrily, hands clenched, eyes narrow & blazing hatred. We glared at each other like duelists when suddenly the dog pulled free, wobbled to dad, sat in front of him, then slowly carefully raised a paw.
Dad's jaw trembled as he stared at the paw. Confusion replaced anger, dog waiting patiently, then Dad was on his knees hugging him.
It was the beginning of a warm intimate friendship. Dad named him Cheyenne. They explored the community together, spent hours walking dusty lanes, reflective moments fishing, even attended Sunday services, Dad in a pew & Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet. They were inseparable for 3 yrs. Dad's bitterness faded & they made many friends.
1 night I was startled to feel Cheyenne's nose under our covers. He'd never come in our room. I woke Dick, put on my robe & ran to dad's room. He lay there serenely, but his spirit had quietly left.
Days later my shock & grief deepened when I found Cheyenne dead beside Dad's bed & I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he slept on. As we buried him near his favorite fishing hole I silently thanked him for the help he gave restoring Dad's peace of mind.
Dad's funeral dawned overcast & dreary...like the way I felt walking down the aisle of pews, surprised to see the many friends they'd made, filling the church. The pastor began a tribute to Dad & the dog that changed his life, then turned to Hebrews 13:2 "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers".
"I've often thanked God for sending that angel" he said.
For me the past dropped in place completing a puzzle I hadn't seen. The sympathetic voice that read the right article, Cheyenne's unexpected appearance at the shelter, his calm acceptance & complete devotion & the closeness of their deaths & I suddenly understood...knew God answered my prayer.
[Adult] First Things First
Priest retirement dinner
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to
make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say a few words while they
waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had
stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to
lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled
from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs,
and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not
all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good
and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the
politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to
go to him in confession."
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!!!!!!!
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to
make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say a few words while they
waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had
stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to
lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled
from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs,
and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not
all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good
and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the
politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to
go to him in confession."
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!!!!!!!
[Humor] Bank On It
MALE VS FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off. *******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release Parking Brake.
SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off. *******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release Parking Brake.
SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
[Spirited] Got Milk?
GLASS OF MILK
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.
He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.
Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water! . She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it so slowly, and then asked, How much do I owe you?"
You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."
He said .. "Then I thank you from my heart."
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.
Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease .
Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.
Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.
Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.
He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. >From that day he gave special attention to her case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won.
Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words ..
"Paid in full with one glass of milk"
(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You,
God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands."
There's a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that what life is all about?
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.
He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.
Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water! . She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it so slowly, and then asked, How much do I owe you?"
You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."
He said .. "Then I thank you from my heart."
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.
Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease .
Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.
Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.
Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.
He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. >From that day he gave special attention to her case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won.
Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words ..
"Paid in full with one glass of milk"
(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You,
God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands."
There's a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that what life is all about?
[Interest] Book Deal
Food for thought (this book would be worth reading)
Remember Lee Iacocca, the man who rescued Chrysler Corporation from it's death throes? He has a new book, and here are some excerpts.
You don't have to agree with all he has to say, but he has some good points. Too bad he's not young any more!!!
____________________________________________________________
Lee Iacocca Says:
'Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening? Where the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder. We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car. But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when the politicians say, 'Stay the course'.
Stay the course? You've got to be kidding. This is America, not the damned 'Titanic'. I'll give you a sound bite: 'Throw all the bums out!'
You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this country anymore.
The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in handcuffs. While we're fiddling in Iraq, the Middle East is burning and nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving 'pom-poms' instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of the 'America' my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for. I've had enough. How about you?
I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're not outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have.
The Biggest 'C' is Crisis !
Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis. It's easy to sit there with your feet up on the desk and talk theory. Or send someone else's kids off to war when you've never seen a battlefield yourself. It's another thing to lead when your world comes tumbling down.
On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the ashes. A Hell of a Mess.
So here's where we stand. We're immersed in a bloody war with no plan for winning and no plan for leaving. We're running the biggest deficit in the history of the country. We're losing the manufacturing edge to Asia, while our once-great companies are getting slaughtered by health care costs. Gas prices are skyrocketing, and nobody in power has a coherent energy policy. Our schools are in trouble. Our borders are like sieves. The middle class is being squeezed every which way. These are times that cry out for leadership.
But when you look around, you've got to ask: 'Where have all the leaders gone?' Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the people of character, courage, conviction, omnipotence, and common sense? I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the point.
Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo? We've spent billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to do is react to things that have already happened.
Name me one leader who emerged from the crisis of Hurricane Katrina. Congress has yet to spend a single day evaluating the response to the hurricane, or demanding accountability for the decisions that were made in the crucial hours after the storm.
Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping it doesn't happen again. Now, that's just crazy. Storms happen. Deal with it. Make a plan. Figure out what you're going to do the next time.
Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can restore our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who would have believed that there could ever be a time when 'The Big Three' referred to Japanese car companies? How did this happen, and more important, what are we going to do about it?
Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for paying down the debt, or solving the energy crisis, or managing the health care problem. The silence is deafening. But these are the crises that are eating away at our country and milking the middle class dry.
I have news for the gang in Congress. We didn't elect you to sit on your asses and do nothing and remain silent while our democracy is being hijacked and our greatness is being replaced with mediocrity. What is everybody so afraid of? That some bonehead on Fox News will call them a name? Give me a break. Why don't you guys show some spine for a change?
Had Enough?
Hey, I'm not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I'm trying to light a fire. I'm speaking out because I have hope. I believe in America. In my lifetime I've had the privilege of living through some of America's greatest moments. I've also experienced some of our worst crises: the 'Great Depression', 'World War II', the 'Korean War', the 'Kennedy Assassination', the 'Vietnam War', the 1970s oil crisis, and the struggles of recent years culminating with 9/11. If I've learned one thing, it's this:
'You don't get anywhere by standing on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to take action. Whether it's building a better car or building a better future for our children, we all have a role to play. That's the challenge I'm raising in this book. It's a call to 'Action' for people who, like me, believe in America. It's not too late, but it's getting pretty close. So let's shake off the crap and go to work. Let's tell 'em all we've had 'enough.'
Excerpted from 'Where Have All the Leaders Gone?'.
Copyright (c) 2007 by Lee Iacocca. All rights reserved
Remember Lee Iacocca, the man who rescued Chrysler Corporation from it's death throes? He has a new book, and here are some excerpts.
You don't have to agree with all he has to say, but he has some good points. Too bad he's not young any more!!!
____________________________________________________________
Lee Iacocca Says:
'Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening? Where the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder. We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car. But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when the politicians say, 'Stay the course'.
Stay the course? You've got to be kidding. This is America, not the damned 'Titanic'. I'll give you a sound bite: 'Throw all the bums out!'
You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this country anymore.
The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in handcuffs. While we're fiddling in Iraq, the Middle East is burning and nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving 'pom-poms' instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of the 'America' my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for. I've had enough. How about you?
I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're not outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have.
The Biggest 'C' is Crisis !
Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis. It's easy to sit there with your feet up on the desk and talk theory. Or send someone else's kids off to war when you've never seen a battlefield yourself. It's another thing to lead when your world comes tumbling down.
On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the ashes. A Hell of a Mess.
So here's where we stand. We're immersed in a bloody war with no plan for winning and no plan for leaving. We're running the biggest deficit in the history of the country. We're losing the manufacturing edge to Asia, while our once-great companies are getting slaughtered by health care costs. Gas prices are skyrocketing, and nobody in power has a coherent energy policy. Our schools are in trouble. Our borders are like sieves. The middle class is being squeezed every which way. These are times that cry out for leadership.
But when you look around, you've got to ask: 'Where have all the leaders gone?' Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the people of character, courage, conviction, omnipotence, and common sense? I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the point.
Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo? We've spent billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to do is react to things that have already happened.
Name me one leader who emerged from the crisis of Hurricane Katrina. Congress has yet to spend a single day evaluating the response to the hurricane, or demanding accountability for the decisions that were made in the crucial hours after the storm.
Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping it doesn't happen again. Now, that's just crazy. Storms happen. Deal with it. Make a plan. Figure out what you're going to do the next time.
Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can restore our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who would have believed that there could ever be a time when 'The Big Three' referred to Japanese car companies? How did this happen, and more important, what are we going to do about it?
Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for paying down the debt, or solving the energy crisis, or managing the health care problem. The silence is deafening. But these are the crises that are eating away at our country and milking the middle class dry.
I have news for the gang in Congress. We didn't elect you to sit on your asses and do nothing and remain silent while our democracy is being hijacked and our greatness is being replaced with mediocrity. What is everybody so afraid of? That some bonehead on Fox News will call them a name? Give me a break. Why don't you guys show some spine for a change?
Had Enough?
Hey, I'm not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I'm trying to light a fire. I'm speaking out because I have hope. I believe in America. In my lifetime I've had the privilege of living through some of America's greatest moments. I've also experienced some of our worst crises: the 'Great Depression', 'World War II', the 'Korean War', the 'Kennedy Assassination', the 'Vietnam War', the 1970s oil crisis, and the struggles of recent years culminating with 9/11. If I've learned one thing, it's this:
'You don't get anywhere by standing on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to take action. Whether it's building a better car or building a better future for our children, we all have a role to play. That's the challenge I'm raising in this book. It's a call to 'Action' for people who, like me, believe in America. It's not too late, but it's getting pretty close. So let's shake off the crap and go to work. Let's tell 'em all we've had 'enough.'
Excerpted from 'Where Have All the Leaders Gone?'.
Copyright (c) 2007 by Lee Iacocca. All rights reserved
[Adult] Da Bomb
BLOW UP
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
"What a Great Chest you have!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran
Out of the apartment like that.
Scroll down.......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The blonde replies, : I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
"What a Great Chest you have!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran
Out of the apartment like that.
Scroll down.......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The blonde replies, : I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!
[Humor] Old Gray Mare
I would strongly recommend that you don't mess with older women. Just read below and enjoy......
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
[Interest] Dollar Days
Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 52 years ago!
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2, 000.00 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous. "
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it."
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women have to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha any more for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick anymore; at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
If you know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on! Be sure and send it to your kids and grandkids
That's only 52 years ago!
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2, 000.00 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous. "
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it."
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women have to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha any more for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick anymore; at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
If you know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on! Be sure and send it to your kids and grandkids
[Spirited] Child's Play
A LITTLE CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM
Author and lecturer, Leo Buscaglia, once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was:
A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the
little boy just said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
***************************************************
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopte d.
!
& lt; /DIV>
A little girl said, "I know all about adoption, I was adopted."
"What does it mean to be adopted?", asked another child.
"It means", said the girl, "that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!"
****************************************************
On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Littlle League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?", the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face... "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
**************************************************
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think
about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the school p! lay. Hi s mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. "Guess what, Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain
a lesson to me....."I've been chosen to clap and cheer."
**************************************************
An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said, "My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!"
"I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,"was the boy's reply
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back par t of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed h! is litt le feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair
upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, you will be more comfortable now."
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her .
"Are you God's wife?"
Author and lecturer, Leo Buscaglia, once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was:
A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the
little boy just said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
***************************************************
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopte d.
!
& lt; /DIV>
A little girl said, "I know all about adoption, I was adopted."
"What does it mean to be adopted?", asked another child.
"It means", said the girl, "that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!"
****************************************************
On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Littlle League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?", the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face... "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
**************************************************
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think
about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the school p! lay. Hi s mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. "Guess what, Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain
a lesson to me....."I've been chosen to clap and cheer."
**************************************************
An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said, "My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!"
"I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,"was the boy's reply
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back par t of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed h! is litt le feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair
upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, you will be more comfortable now."
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her .
"Are you God's wife?"
[Interest] Anyone Can Morph
Morphobia
(The fear that there are more of these adulterated words)
The Washington Post asked readers to change one letter in a common word and then write a new definition for it.
•• Wisenheifer. A calf who sneaks up and tips over sleeping cows.
•• Idiotarod. An annual Alaskan race in which morons pull huskies sitting on sleds.
•• Dummary. An unnecessary explanation of a patently obvious concept (e.g.: ““Dummary: an unnecessary explanation of a patently obvious concept””).
•• Eficient. Extremely efficient.
•• Palindromeo. Casanova von Asac, a legendary 18th-century seducer, later revealed to have gone both ways.
LUBBERWORT IS ANOTHER WORD FOR JUNK FOOD.
(The fear that there are more of these adulterated words)
The Washington Post asked readers to change one letter in a common word and then write a new definition for it.
•• Wisenheifer. A calf who sneaks up and tips over sleeping cows.
•• Idiotarod. An annual Alaskan race in which morons pull huskies sitting on sleds.
•• Dummary. An unnecessary explanation of a patently obvious concept (e.g.: ““Dummary: an unnecessary explanation of a patently obvious concept””).
•• Eficient. Extremely efficient.
•• Palindromeo. Casanova von Asac, a legendary 18th-century seducer, later revealed to have gone both ways.
LUBBERWORT IS ANOTHER WORD FOR JUNK FOOD.
[Adult] The Write Stuff
PROBLEM SOLVER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to
buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do
you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you
had a prescription."
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to
buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do
you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you
had a prescription."
[Humor] Stop, Thief!
BODY SHOP
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who's thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear- end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those plastic surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts –– stolen from you and me!
The next time someone you know has something "lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX.
This is happening to women everywhere, every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S.
Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs.
I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who's thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear- end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those plastic surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts –– stolen from you and me!
The next time someone you know has something "lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX.
This is happening to women everywhere, every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S.
Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs.
I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
[Adult] Alley Cat
CAT FIGHT
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
[Spirited] A Gift of Joy
The Sandpiper
by Robert Peterson
She was six years old when I first met her on the beach near where I live.
I drive to this beach, a distance of three or four miles, whenever the world
begins to close in on me. She was building a sand castle or something
and looked up, her eyes as blue as the sea.
"Hello," she said.
I answered with a nod, not really in the mood to bother with a small child.
"I'm building," she said.
"I see that. What is it?" I asked, not really caring.
"Oh, I don't know, I just like the feel of sand."
That sounds good, I thought, and slipped off my shoes.
A sandpiper glided by.
"That's a joy," the child said.
"It's a what?"
"It's a joy. My mama says sandpipers come to bring us joy."
The bird went gliding down the beach. Good-bye joy, I muttered to myself,
hello pain, and turned to walk on. I was depressed, my life seemed
completely out of balance.
"What's your name?" She wouldn't give up.
"Robert," I answered. "I'm Robert Peterson."
"Mine's Wendy... I'm six."
"Hi, Wendy."
She giggled. "You're funny," she said.
In spite of my gloom, I laughed too and walked on.
Her musical giggle followed me.
"Come again, Mr. P," she called. "We'll have another happy day."
The next few days consisted of a group of unruly Boy Scouts, PTA meetings,
and an ailing mother. The sun was shining one morning as I took my hands out
of the dishwater. I need a sandpiper, I said to myself, gathering up my coat.
The ever-changing balm of the seashore awaited me. The breeze was
chilly but I strode along, trying to recapture the serenity I needed.
"Hello, Mr. P," she said. "Do you want to play?"
"What did you have in mind?" I asked, with a twinge of annoyance.
"I don't know. You say."
"How about charades?" I asked sarcastically.
The tinkling laughter burst forth again. "I don't know what that is."
"Then let's just walk."
Looking at her, I noticed the delicate fairness of her face.
"Where do you live?" I asked.
"Over there." She pointed toward a row of summer cottages.
Strange, I thought, in winter.
"Where do you go to school?"
"I don't go to school. Mommy says we're on vacation."
She chattered little girl talk as we strolled up the beach, but my mind was
on other things. When I left for home, Wendy said it had been a happy day.
Feeling surprisingly better, I smiled at her and agreed.
Three weeks later, I rushed to my beach in a state of near panic. I was in no
mood to even greet Wendy. I thought I saw her mother on the porch and felt
like demanding she keep her child at home.
"Look, if you don't mind," I said crossly when Wendy caught up with me, "I'd
rather be alone today." She seemed unusually pale and out of breath.
"Why?" she asked.
I turned to her and shouted, "Because my mother died!" and thought,
My God, why was I saying this to a little child?
"Oh," she said quietly, "then this is a bad day."
"Yes," I said, "and yesterday and the day before and -- oh, go away!"
"Did it hurt?" she inquired.
"Did what hurt?" I was exasperated with her, with myself.
"When she died?"
"Of course it hurt!" I snapped, misunderstanding,
wrapped up in myself. I strode off.
A month or so after that, when I next went to the beach, she wasn't there.
Feeling guilty, ashamed, and admitting to myself I missed her, I went up
to the cottage after my walk and knocked at the door. A drawn looking
young woman with honey-colored hair opened the door.
"Hello," I said, "I'm Robert Peterson. I missed your little girl today
and wondered where she was."
"Oh yes, Mr. Peterson, please come in. Wendy spoke of you so much.
I'm afraid I allowed her to bother you. If she was a nuisance,
please, accept my apologies."
"Not at all -- she's a delightful child." I said, suddenly realizing
that I meant what I had just said.
"Wendy died last week, Mr. Peterson. She had leukemia.
Maybe she didn't tell you."
Struck dumb, I groped for a chair. I had to catch my breath.
"She loved this beach, so when she asked to come, we couldn't say no.
She seemed so much better here and had a lot of what she called happy days.
But the last few weeks, she declined rapidly..." Her voice faltered, "She left
something for you, if only I can find it. Could you wait a moment while I look?"
I nodded stupidly, my mind racing for something to say to this lovely young
woman. She handed me a smeared envelope with "MR. P" printed in bold
childish letters. Inside was a drawing in bright crayon hues -- a yellow beach,
a blue sea, and a brown bird. Underneath was carefully printed:
A SANDPIPER TO BRING YOU JOY.
Tears welled up in my eyes, and a heart that had almost forgotten to love
opened wide. I took Wendy's mother in my arms. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,
I'm so sorry," I uttered over and over, and we wept together. The precious little
picture is framed now and hangs in my study. Six words -- one for each year
of her life -- that speak to me of harmony, courage, and undemanding love.
A gift from a child with sea blue eyes and hair the color of sand
-- who taught me the gift of love.
by Robert Peterson
She was six years old when I first met her on the beach near where I live.
I drive to this beach, a distance of three or four miles, whenever the world
begins to close in on me. She was building a sand castle or something
and looked up, her eyes as blue as the sea.
"Hello," she said.
I answered with a nod, not really in the mood to bother with a small child.
"I'm building," she said.
"I see that. What is it?" I asked, not really caring.
"Oh, I don't know, I just like the feel of sand."
That sounds good, I thought, and slipped off my shoes.
A sandpiper glided by.
"That's a joy," the child said.
"It's a what?"
"It's a joy. My mama says sandpipers come to bring us joy."
The bird went gliding down the beach. Good-bye joy, I muttered to myself,
hello pain, and turned to walk on. I was depressed, my life seemed
completely out of balance.
"What's your name?" She wouldn't give up.
"Robert," I answered. "I'm Robert Peterson."
"Mine's Wendy... I'm six."
"Hi, Wendy."
She giggled. "You're funny," she said.
In spite of my gloom, I laughed too and walked on.
Her musical giggle followed me.
"Come again, Mr. P," she called. "We'll have another happy day."
The next few days consisted of a group of unruly Boy Scouts, PTA meetings,
and an ailing mother. The sun was shining one morning as I took my hands out
of the dishwater. I need a sandpiper, I said to myself, gathering up my coat.
The ever-changing balm of the seashore awaited me. The breeze was
chilly but I strode along, trying to recapture the serenity I needed.
"Hello, Mr. P," she said. "Do you want to play?"
"What did you have in mind?" I asked, with a twinge of annoyance.
"I don't know. You say."
"How about charades?" I asked sarcastically.
The tinkling laughter burst forth again. "I don't know what that is."
"Then let's just walk."
Looking at her, I noticed the delicate fairness of her face.
"Where do you live?" I asked.
"Over there." She pointed toward a row of summer cottages.
Strange, I thought, in winter.
"Where do you go to school?"
"I don't go to school. Mommy says we're on vacation."
She chattered little girl talk as we strolled up the beach, but my mind was
on other things. When I left for home, Wendy said it had been a happy day.
Feeling surprisingly better, I smiled at her and agreed.
Three weeks later, I rushed to my beach in a state of near panic. I was in no
mood to even greet Wendy. I thought I saw her mother on the porch and felt
like demanding she keep her child at home.
"Look, if you don't mind," I said crossly when Wendy caught up with me, "I'd
rather be alone today." She seemed unusually pale and out of breath.
"Why?" she asked.
I turned to her and shouted, "Because my mother died!" and thought,
My God, why was I saying this to a little child?
"Oh," she said quietly, "then this is a bad day."
"Yes," I said, "and yesterday and the day before and -- oh, go away!"
"Did it hurt?" she inquired.
"Did what hurt?" I was exasperated with her, with myself.
"When she died?"
"Of course it hurt!" I snapped, misunderstanding,
wrapped up in myself. I strode off.
A month or so after that, when I next went to the beach, she wasn't there.
Feeling guilty, ashamed, and admitting to myself I missed her, I went up
to the cottage after my walk and knocked at the door. A drawn looking
young woman with honey-colored hair opened the door.
"Hello," I said, "I'm Robert Peterson. I missed your little girl today
and wondered where she was."
"Oh yes, Mr. Peterson, please come in. Wendy spoke of you so much.
I'm afraid I allowed her to bother you. If she was a nuisance,
please, accept my apologies."
"Not at all -- she's a delightful child." I said, suddenly realizing
that I meant what I had just said.
"Wendy died last week, Mr. Peterson. She had leukemia.
Maybe she didn't tell you."
Struck dumb, I groped for a chair. I had to catch my breath.
"She loved this beach, so when she asked to come, we couldn't say no.
She seemed so much better here and had a lot of what she called happy days.
But the last few weeks, she declined rapidly..." Her voice faltered, "She left
something for you, if only I can find it. Could you wait a moment while I look?"
I nodded stupidly, my mind racing for something to say to this lovely young
woman. She handed me a smeared envelope with "MR. P" printed in bold
childish letters. Inside was a drawing in bright crayon hues -- a yellow beach,
a blue sea, and a brown bird. Underneath was carefully printed:
A SANDPIPER TO BRING YOU JOY.
Tears welled up in my eyes, and a heart that had almost forgotten to love
opened wide. I took Wendy's mother in my arms. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,
I'm so sorry," I uttered over and over, and we wept together. The precious little
picture is framed now and hangs in my study. Six words -- one for each year
of her life -- that speak to me of harmony, courage, and undemanding love.
A gift from a child with sea blue eyes and hair the color of sand
-- who taught me the gift of love.
[Interest] Early Easter
EASTER FOR THE AGES
And you thought you knew all about this Easter from the newspaper !
The date of this coming Easter in 2008 is quite early this year.
Easter is always the 1st Sunday after the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 20)
This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar that Hebrew people used to identify Passover,
which is why it moves around on our Roman calendar.
Here's the interesting info.
This year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives !
And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early ( 95 years old or above ! )
And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier !
Here are the facts :
1) The next time Easter will be this early ( March 23 ) will be the year 2228 ( 220 years from now )
The last time it was this early was 1913 ( so if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that ! )
2) The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 ( 277 years from now )
The last time it was on March 22 was 1818.
So, no one alive today has or will ever see it any earlier than this year !
And you thought you knew all about this Easter from the newspaper !
The date of this coming Easter in 2008 is quite early this year.
Easter is always the 1st Sunday after the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 20)
This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar that Hebrew people used to identify Passover,
which is why it moves around on our Roman calendar.
Here's the interesting info.
This year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives !
And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early ( 95 years old or above ! )
And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier !
Here are the facts :
1) The next time Easter will be this early ( March 23 ) will be the year 2228 ( 220 years from now )
The last time it was this early was 1913 ( so if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that ! )
2) The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 ( 277 years from now )
The last time it was on March 22 was 1818.
So, no one alive today has or will ever see it any earlier than this year !
Saturday, March 1, 2008
[Interest] You Can Say That Again (NOT)
THINGS YOU DON'T HEAR ANY MORE
> >
> > Be sure and refill the ice trays, we are going to
> > have company after awhile.
> >
> > Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter in
> > the mail today.
> >
> > Quit slamming that screen door!
> >
> > Be sure to pull the windows down when you leave, it
> > looks like it might shower, and bring in the clothes
> > on the line too.
> >
> > Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
> >
> > Wash your feet before you go to bed, they are nasty
> > from playing bare footed outside all day.
> >
> > Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs?
> > Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times
> > is tearing them up.
> >
> > You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so
> > many tim es there is nothing left to put a patch on.
> >
> > Don't you go outside with your good school clothes on!
> >
> > Hang up your Sunday School clothes, you know you need
> > to pass them down to your brother in good condition.
> >
> > Go comb your hair, it looks like the rats have nested
> > in it all night.
> >
> > Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk
> > when you open the new bottle. I need it for baking
> > and Pa's coffee.
> >
> > Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you
> > won't have to pay a deposit on another one.
> >
> > Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get
> > on it.
> >
> > Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven
> > and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!
> >
> > Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need
> > to get a few things from him. You boys stay close by,
> > the car may not start and I will need you to help push
> > it off.
> >
> > There is a dollar in my purse, go by the Service> > Station and get five gallons of gas when you start to
> > town.
> >
> > Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze
> > through here, it is getting hot.
> >
> > You can walk to the store, it won't hurt you to get
> > some exercise.
> >
> > Maybe you will learn to be more careful with your
> > bicycle.
> >
> > Don't sit too close to the TV it is hard on your eyes.
> >
> > If you pull that stunt again I am going to wear you
> > out!
> >
> > Don't lose that button, I will sew it back on after
> > awhile.
> >
> > Wash under your neck before you co me to the table, you
> > have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.
> >
> > Get out from under that sewing machine, pumping it
> > messes up the thread!
> >
> > Do you want to go get me a switch?
> >
> > Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't
> > have to do that tonight in the dark.
> >
> > Here, take this old magazine to the outhouse (toilet)
> > when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.
> >
> > Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water for me
> > to wash dishes in.
> >
> > Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be
> > up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.
> >
> > No! I don't have five cents for you to go to the
> > show, do you think money grows on trees?
> >
> > Eat those vegetables, they will make you big and
> > strong like y our daddy.
> >
> > That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how
> > cold it is out there, dogs just don't come in the
> > house.
> >
> > Sit still! I am trying to get your hair cut straight
> > and you keep moving and it is getting botched up.
> >
> > Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that,> > I will wash your mouth out with soap again!
> >
> > It is time for your system to be cleaned out, I'm
> > going to give you a dose of Castor Oil in the morning.
> >
> > If you get a spanking in school and I find out about
> > it, you will get another one when you get home.
> >
> > Quit crossing your eyes! They will get hung that way!
> >
> > Soak your foot in this pan of Coal Oil so that cut
> > won't get infected.
> >
> > When you take your driving test don't for get your hand
> > signals each turn. Left arm straight out the window
> > for a left turn, and left arm bent up to the sky at
> > the elbow for a right turn and straight down to the
> > side of the door when you are
> > going to stop.
> >
> > It is Yes sir! And No sir! To me and your elders young
> > man, and don't you forget it!
> >
> > While we are at Aunt Sissy's and Uncle Tony's, you kids
> > eat when the adults get through and I don't want to
> > hear 'I don't like this stuff'. You better keep your
> > mouth shut and eat everything on your plate.
> >
> > Well, that ought to keep us remembering some of the
> > finer things of the past, some good and some not so
> > good, and young man if I hear you repeat one word of
> > this I will beat the day lights out of you, do you
> > understand that?
> >
> > Be sure and refill the ice trays, we are going to
> > have company after awhile.
> >
> > Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter in
> > the mail today.
> >
> > Quit slamming that screen door!
> >
> > Be sure to pull the windows down when you leave, it
> > looks like it might shower, and bring in the clothes
> > on the line too.
> >
> > Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
> >
> > Wash your feet before you go to bed, they are nasty
> > from playing bare footed outside all day.
> >
> > Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs?
> > Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times
> > is tearing them up.
> >
> > You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so
> > many tim es there is nothing left to put a patch on.
> >
> > Don't you go outside with your good school clothes on!
> >
> > Hang up your Sunday School clothes, you know you need
> > to pass them down to your brother in good condition.
> >
> > Go comb your hair, it looks like the rats have nested
> > in it all night.
> >
> > Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk
> > when you open the new bottle. I need it for baking
> > and Pa's coffee.
> >
> > Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you
> > won't have to pay a deposit on another one.
> >
> > Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get
> > on it.
> >
> > Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven
> > and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!
> >
> > Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need
> > to get a few things from him. You boys stay close by,
> > the car may not start and I will need you to help push
> > it off.
> >
> > There is a dollar in my purse, go by the Service> > Station and get five gallons of gas when you start to
> > town.
> >
> > Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze
> > through here, it is getting hot.
> >
> > You can walk to the store, it won't hurt you to get
> > some exercise.
> >
> > Maybe you will learn to be more careful with your
> > bicycle.
> >
> > Don't sit too close to the TV it is hard on your eyes.
> >
> > If you pull that stunt again I am going to wear you
> > out!
> >
> > Don't lose that button, I will sew it back on after
> > awhile.
> >
> > Wash under your neck before you co me to the table, you
> > have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.
> >
> > Get out from under that sewing machine, pumping it
> > messes up the thread!
> >
> > Do you want to go get me a switch?
> >
> > Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't
> > have to do that tonight in the dark.
> >
> > Here, take this old magazine to the outhouse (toilet)
> > when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.
> >
> > Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water for me
> > to wash dishes in.
> >
> > Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be
> > up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.
> >
> > No! I don't have five cents for you to go to the
> > show, do you think money grows on trees?
> >
> > Eat those vegetables, they will make you big and
> > strong like y our daddy.
> >
> > That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how
> > cold it is out there, dogs just don't come in the
> > house.
> >
> > Sit still! I am trying to get your hair cut straight
> > and you keep moving and it is getting botched up.
> >
> > Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that,> > I will wash your mouth out with soap again!
> >
> > It is time for your system to be cleaned out, I'm
> > going to give you a dose of Castor Oil in the morning.
> >
> > If you get a spanking in school and I find out about
> > it, you will get another one when you get home.
> >
> > Quit crossing your eyes! They will get hung that way!
> >
> > Soak your foot in this pan of Coal Oil so that cut
> > won't get infected.
> >
> > When you take your driving test don't for get your hand
> > signals each turn. Left arm straight out the window
> > for a left turn, and left arm bent up to the sky at
> > the elbow for a right turn and straight down to the
> > side of the door when you are
> > going to stop.
> >
> > It is Yes sir! And No sir! To me and your elders young
> > man, and don't you forget it!
> >
> > While we are at Aunt Sissy's and Uncle Tony's, you kids
> > eat when the adults get through and I don't want to
> > hear 'I don't like this stuff'. You better keep your
> > mouth shut and eat everything on your plate.
> >
> > Well, that ought to keep us remembering some of the
> > finer things of the past, some good and some not so
> > good, and young man if I hear you repeat one word of
> > this I will beat the day lights out of you, do you
> > understand that?
[Interest] Whatchamacallit
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES. "
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.
And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
"BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is
"HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. "
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
"PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes
"VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a
"LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is
"OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. "
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in
"FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.
And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
"BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is
"HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. "
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
"PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes
"VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a
"LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is
"OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. "
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in
"FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
[Spirited] Too Sweet
Saying Grace in a Restaurant
Last week, I took my children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice c ream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
Remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is
God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cre am is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."
Last week, I took my children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice c ream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
Remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is
God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cre am is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."
[Interest] To Die For
You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado
>> here are the 2008 Darwin awards.
>>
>> Eighth Place
>>
>> In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
>> water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
>> retrieve his car keys.
>>
>> Seventh Place
>>
>> A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
>> ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
>>
>> Sixth Place
>>
>> While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for
>> protection from the wind and had been sitt ing in a beach ch air at the
>> bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People
>> on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could
>> not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an
>> hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
>>
>> Fifth Place
>>
>> Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
>> bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
>> flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into
>> the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
>>
>> Fourth Place
>>
>> Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
>> who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
> & gt; mouth and pull the trigger.
>>
>> Third Place
>>
>> After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
>> door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
>> store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
>> standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
>> announced a hold-u! p, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
>> The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
>> also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
>> scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
>> cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot
>> wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one
>> else was hurt.
>&g t;&nbs p;
>> HONORABLE MENTION>>
>> Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at
>> 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to
>> see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was
>> closed.
>> RUNNER UP
>>
>> Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
>> said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the
>> middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
>> trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the
>> midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee
>> rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
>> that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. T hey secured one end around
>> Bingham's leg and then tied the other ! ;to the bridge. His fall lasted
>> 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
>> miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two
>> nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
>>
>> AND THE WINNER IS...
>>
>> Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his
>> constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel
>> of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got
>> relief.
>>
>> Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
>> ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
>>
>> The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected de feca tion knocke d Mr.
>> Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
>> elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
>>
>> It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'S**t
>> happens'
>> IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING
>> THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL
>> here are the 2008 Darwin awards.
>>
>> Eighth Place
>>
>> In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
>> water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
>> retrieve his car keys.
>>
>> Seventh Place
>>
>> A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
>> ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
>>
>> Sixth Place
>>
>> While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for
>> protection from the wind and had been sitt ing in a beach ch air at the
>> bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People
>> on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could
>> not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an
>> hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
>>
>> Fifth Place
>>
>> Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
>> bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
>> flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into
>> the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
>>
>> Fourth Place
>>
>> Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
>> who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
> & gt; mouth and pull the trigger.
>>
>> Third Place
>>
>> After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
>> door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
>> store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
>> standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
>> announced a hold-u! p, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
>> The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
>> also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
>> scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
>> cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot
>> wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one
>> else was hurt.
>&g t;&nbs p;
>> HONORABLE MENTION>>
>> Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at
>> 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to
>> see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was
>> closed.
>> RUNNER UP
>>
>> Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
>> said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the
>> middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
>> trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the
>> midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee
>> rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
>> that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. T hey secured one end around
>> Bingham's leg and then tied the other ! ;to the bridge. His fall lasted
>> 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
>> miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two
>> nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
>>
>> AND THE WINNER IS...
>>
>> Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his
>> constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel
>> of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got
>> relief.
>>
>> Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
>> ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
>>
>> The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected de feca tion knocke d Mr.
>> Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
>> elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
>>
>> It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'S**t
>> happens'
>> IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING
>> THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL
[Interest] The Wrong Rights
NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION*
*This is probably the best I've seen in a long, long time. The
following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from
GA. *
*This guy should run for President one day...*
*"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help
everyone get along, *
*restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation
safe, promote positive behavior, *
*and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great-grandchildren, *
*hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense
guidelines*
* for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal
bed-wetters. *
* *
*We hold these truths to be self evident: *
*that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are
so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."*
*ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or
any other form of wealth. *
*More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is
guaranteeing anything.*
*ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This
country is based on freedom, *
*and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the
room, turn the channel, *
*express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and
probably always will be.*
*ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. *
*If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; *
*do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.*
*ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. *
*Americans are the most charitable people to be found, *
*and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary
of subsidizing generation *
*after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing
more than the creation of *
*another generation of professional couch potatoes *
*(This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work....*
*don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)*
*ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. *
*That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just
not interested in public health care.*
*ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. *
*If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, *
*don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the
electric chair.*
*ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. *
*If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other
citizens, *
*don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in
a place where you still *
*won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.*
*ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want
you to have a job, *
*and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take
advantage *
*of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before
you to make yourself useful. *
*(AMEN!)*
*ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. *
*Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, *
*which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over
abundance of *
*idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of
Rights.*
*ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you
are from, *
*English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!*
*(Lastly....)*
*ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history
or heritage. *
*This country was founded on the belief in one true God. *
*And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, *
*or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution *
*The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, *
*and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!*
*If you agree, share this with a friend. I just think it's about time
common sense is allowed to flourish. *
*Sensible people of the United States speak out because if you do not,
who will? *
*This is probably the best I've seen in a long, long time. The
following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from
GA. *
*This guy should run for President one day...*
*"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help
everyone get along, *
*restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation
safe, promote positive behavior, *
*and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great-grandchildren, *
*hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense
guidelines*
* for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal
bed-wetters. *
* *
*We hold these truths to be self evident: *
*that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are
so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."*
*ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or
any other form of wealth. *
*More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is
guaranteeing anything.*
*ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This
country is based on freedom, *
*and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the
room, turn the channel, *
*express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and
probably always will be.*
*ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. *
*If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; *
*do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.*
*ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. *
*Americans are the most charitable people to be found, *
*and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary
of subsidizing generation *
*after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing
more than the creation of *
*another generation of professional couch potatoes *
*(This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work....*
*don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)*
*ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. *
*That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just
not interested in public health care.*
*ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. *
*If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, *
*don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the
electric chair.*
*ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. *
*If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other
citizens, *
*don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in
a place where you still *
*won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.*
*ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want
you to have a job, *
*and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take
advantage *
*of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before
you to make yourself useful. *
*(AMEN!)*
*ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. *
*Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, *
*which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over
abundance of *
*idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of
Rights.*
*ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you
are from, *
*English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!*
*(Lastly....)*
*ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history
or heritage. *
*This country was founded on the belief in one true God. *
*And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, *
*or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution *
*The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, *
*and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!*
*If you agree, share this with a friend. I just think it's about time
common sense is allowed to flourish. *
*Sensible people of the United States speak out because if you do not,
who will? *
[Adult] The Good Vet
Subject: the Veterinarian
One Sunday, in counting the money in the
weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville
Presbyterian church found a pink envelope
containing $1,000. It happened again the
next week. The following Sunday, he watched
as the offering was collected and saw a little
old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in
the plate. This went on for weeks until the
pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you
put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"
he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son
sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very
successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor
said. "Where does he practice? "
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada.
He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and
one in Reno."
One Sunday, in counting the money in the
weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville
Presbyterian church found a pink envelope
containing $1,000. It happened again the
next week. The following Sunday, he watched
as the offering was collected and saw a little
old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in
the plate. This went on for weeks until the
pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you
put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"
he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son
sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very
successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor
said. "Where does he practice? "
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada.
He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and
one in Reno."
[Humor] Tea For One
Subject: Cute Story
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who
is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had
just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other
injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of
my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news
and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a
little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and
lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in
the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the
cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for
Daddy. She watched him drink it up, then said, 'Did it ever occur to you
that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who
is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had
just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other
injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of
my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news
and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a
little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and
lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in
the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the
cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for
Daddy. She watched him drink it up, then said, 'Did it ever occur to you
that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
[Spirited] Quick Ones
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead.
So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Peace starts with a smile.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ *+*+*+*+*
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ *+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead.
So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Peace starts with a smile.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ *+*+*+*+*
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ *+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
[Interest] So Long
This was great. What an outlook on life.
Subject: [Fwd: Fw: The secret to a long life....]
Entertaining and worth the read
The Secret to a Long Life...
This is a wonderful piece by Michael Gartner, editor of newspapers large and small and president of NBC News. In 1997, he won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial writing. It is well worth reading, and a few good chuckles are guaranteed.
My father never drove a car. Well, that's not quite right. I should say I never saw him drive a car.
He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car he drove was a 1926 Whippet.
"In those days," he told me when he was in his 90s, "to drive a car you had to do things with your hands, and do things with your feet, and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it."
At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irishwoman, chimed in:
"Oh, bull----!" she said. "He hit a horse."
"Well," my father said, "there was that, too."
So my brother and I grew up in a household without a car. The neighbors all had cars -- the Kollingses next door had a green 1941 Dodge, the VanLaninghams across the street a gray 1936 Plymouth, the Hopsons two doors down a black 1941 Ford -- but we had none.
My father, a newspaperman in Des Moines, would take the streetcar to work and, often as not, walk the 3 miles home. If he took the streetcar home, my mother and brother and I would walk the three blocks to the streetcar stop, meet him and walk home together.
My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and sometimes, at dinner, we'd ask how come all the neighbors had cars but we had none. "No one in the family drives," my mother would explain, and that was that.
But, sometimes, my father would say, "But as soon as one of you boys turns 16, we'll get one." It was as if he wasn't sure which one of us would turn 16 first.
But, sure enough , my brother turned 16 before I did, so in 1951 my parents bought a used 1950 Chevrolet from a friend who ran the parts department at a Chevy dealership downtown.
It was a four-door, white model, stick shift, fender skirts, loaded with everything, and, since my parents didn't drive, it more or less became my brother's car.
Having a car but not being able to drive didn't bother my father, but it didn't make sense to my mother.
So in 1952, when she was 43 years old, she asked a friend to teach her to drive. She learn ed in a nearby cemetery, the place where I learned to drive the following year and where, a generation later, I took my two sons to practice driving. The cemetery probably was my father's idea. "Who can your mother hurt in the cemetery?" I remember him saying more than once.
For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the driver in the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of direction, but he loaded up on maps -- though they seldom left the city limits -- and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.
Still, they both continued to walk a lot. My mother was a devout Catholic, and my father an equally devout agnostic, an arrangement that didn't seem to bother either of them through their 75 years of marriage.
(Yes, 75 years, and they were deeply in love the entire time.)
He retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20 years or so, he would walk with her the mile to St. Augustin's Church. She would walk down and sit in the front pew, and he would wait in the back until he saw which of the parish's two priests was on duty that morning. If it was the pastor, my father then would go out and take a 2-mile walk, meeting my mother at the end of the service and walking her home.
If it was the assistant pastor, he'd take just a 1-mile walk and then head back to the church. He called the priests "Father Fast" and "Father Slow."
After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother whenever she drove anywhere, even if he had no reason to go along. If she were going to the beauty parlor, he'd sit in the car and read, or go take a stroll or, if it was summer, have her keep the engine running so he could listen to the Cubs game on the radio. In the evening, then, when I'd stop by, he'd explain: "The Cubs lost again. The millionaire on second base made a bad throw to the millionaire on firs t base, so the multimillionaire on third base scored."
If she were going to the grocery store, he would go along to carry the bags out -- and to make sure she loaded up on ice cream. As I said, he was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she was 88 and still driving, he said to me, "Do you want to know the secret of a long life?"
"I guess so," I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre.
"No left turns," he said.
"What?" I asked.
"No left turns," he repeated. "Several years ago, your mother and I read an article that said most accidents that old people are in happen when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic.
As you get older, your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth perception, it said. So your mother and I decided never again to make a left turn."
"What?" I said again.
"No left turns," he said. "Think about it. Three rights are the same as a left, and that's a lot safer. So we always make three rights."
"You're kidding!" I said, and I turned to my mother for support "No," she said, "your father is right. We make three rights. It works." But then she added: "Except when your father loses count."
I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started laughing.
"Loses count?" I asked.
"Yes," my father admitted, "that sometimes happens. But it's not a problem. You just make seven rights, and you're okay again."
I couldn't resist. "Do you ever go for 11?" I asked.
"No," he said " If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a bad day. Besides, nothing in life is so important it can't be put off another day or another week."
My mother was never in an accident, but one even in g she handed me her car keys and said she had decided to quit driving. That was in 1999, when she was 90.
She lived four more years, until 2003. My father died the next year, at 102.
They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in 1937 and bought a few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my brother and I paid $8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom -- the house had never had one. My father would have died then and there if he knew the shower cost nearly three times what he paid for the house.)
He continued to walk daily -- he had me get him a treadmill when he was 101 because he was afraid he'd fall on the icy sidewalks but wanted to keep exercising -- and he was of sound mind and sound body until the moment he died.
One September afternoon in 2004, he and my son went with me when I had to give a talk in a neighboring town, and it was clear to all three of us that he was wea rin g out, though we had the usual wide-ranging conversation about politics and newspapers and things in the news.
A few weeks earlier, he had told my son, "You know, Mike, the first hundred years are a lot easier than the second hundred." At one point in our drive that Saturday, he said, "You know, I'm probably not going to live much longer."
"You're probably right," I said.
"Why would you say that?" He countered, somewhat irritated.
"Because you're 102 years old," I said.
"Yes," he said, "you're right." He stayed in bed all the next day.
That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with him through the night.
He appreciated it, he said, though at one point, apparently seeing us look gloomy, he said:
"I would like to make an announcement. No one in this room is dead yet"
An hour or s o la ter, he spoke his last words:
"I want you to know," he said, clearly and lucidly, "that I am in no pain. I am very c omfortable. And I have had as happy a life as anyone on this earth could ever have."
A short time later, he died.
I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I've wondered now and then how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so long.
I can't figure out if it was because he walked through life, Or because he quit taking left turns. "
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Pray for those who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it."
Subject: [Fwd: Fw: The secret to a long life....]
Entertaining and worth the read
The Secret to a Long Life...
This is a wonderful piece by Michael Gartner, editor of newspapers large and small and president of NBC News. In 1997, he won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial writing. It is well worth reading, and a few good chuckles are guaranteed.
My father never drove a car. Well, that's not quite right. I should say I never saw him drive a car.
He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car he drove was a 1926 Whippet.
"In those days," he told me when he was in his 90s, "to drive a car you had to do things with your hands, and do things with your feet, and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it."
At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irishwoman, chimed in:
"Oh, bull----!" she said. "He hit a horse."
"Well," my father said, "there was that, too."
So my brother and I grew up in a household without a car. The neighbors all had cars -- the Kollingses next door had a green 1941 Dodge, the VanLaninghams across the street a gray 1936 Plymouth, the Hopsons two doors down a black 1941 Ford -- but we had none.
My father, a newspaperman in Des Moines, would take the streetcar to work and, often as not, walk the 3 miles home. If he took the streetcar home, my mother and brother and I would walk the three blocks to the streetcar stop, meet him and walk home together.
My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and sometimes, at dinner, we'd ask how come all the neighbors had cars but we had none. "No one in the family drives," my mother would explain, and that was that.
But, sometimes, my father would say, "But as soon as one of you boys turns 16, we'll get one." It was as if he wasn't sure which one of us would turn 16 first.
But, sure enough , my brother turned 16 before I did, so in 1951 my parents bought a used 1950 Chevrolet from a friend who ran the parts department at a Chevy dealership downtown.
It was a four-door, white model, stick shift, fender skirts, loaded with everything, and, since my parents didn't drive, it more or less became my brother's car.
Having a car but not being able to drive didn't bother my father, but it didn't make sense to my mother.
So in 1952, when she was 43 years old, she asked a friend to teach her to drive. She learn ed in a nearby cemetery, the place where I learned to drive the following year and where, a generation later, I took my two sons to practice driving. The cemetery probably was my father's idea. "Who can your mother hurt in the cemetery?" I remember him saying more than once.
For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the driver in the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of direction, but he loaded up on maps -- though they seldom left the city limits -- and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.
Still, they both continued to walk a lot. My mother was a devout Catholic, and my father an equally devout agnostic, an arrangement that didn't seem to bother either of them through their 75 years of marriage.
(Yes, 75 years, and they were deeply in love the entire time.)
He retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20 years or so, he would walk with her the mile to St. Augustin's Church. She would walk down and sit in the front pew, and he would wait in the back until he saw which of the parish's two priests was on duty that morning. If it was the pastor, my father then would go out and take a 2-mile walk, meeting my mother at the end of the service and walking her home.
If it was the assistant pastor, he'd take just a 1-mile walk and then head back to the church. He called the priests "Father Fast" and "Father Slow."
After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother whenever she drove anywhere, even if he had no reason to go along. If she were going to the beauty parlor, he'd sit in the car and read, or go take a stroll or, if it was summer, have her keep the engine running so he could listen to the Cubs game on the radio. In the evening, then, when I'd stop by, he'd explain: "The Cubs lost again. The millionaire on second base made a bad throw to the millionaire on firs t base, so the multimillionaire on third base scored."
If she were going to the grocery store, he would go along to carry the bags out -- and to make sure she loaded up on ice cream. As I said, he was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she was 88 and still driving, he said to me, "Do you want to know the secret of a long life?"
"I guess so," I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre.
"No left turns," he said.
"What?" I asked.
"No left turns," he repeated. "Several years ago, your mother and I read an article that said most accidents that old people are in happen when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic.
As you get older, your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth perception, it said. So your mother and I decided never again to make a left turn."
"What?" I said again.
"No left turns," he said. "Think about it. Three rights are the same as a left, and that's a lot safer. So we always make three rights."
"You're kidding!" I said, and I turned to my mother for support "No," she said, "your father is right. We make three rights. It works." But then she added: "Except when your father loses count."
I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started laughing.
"Loses count?" I asked.
"Yes," my father admitted, "that sometimes happens. But it's not a problem. You just make seven rights, and you're okay again."
I couldn't resist. "Do you ever go for 11?" I asked.
"No," he said " If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a bad day. Besides, nothing in life is so important it can't be put off another day or another week."
My mother was never in an accident, but one even in g she handed me her car keys and said she had decided to quit driving. That was in 1999, when she was 90.
She lived four more years, until 2003. My father died the next year, at 102.
They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in 1937 and bought a few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my brother and I paid $8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom -- the house had never had one. My father would have died then and there if he knew the shower cost nearly three times what he paid for the house.)
He continued to walk daily -- he had me get him a treadmill when he was 101 because he was afraid he'd fall on the icy sidewalks but wanted to keep exercising -- and he was of sound mind and sound body until the moment he died.
One September afternoon in 2004, he and my son went with me when I had to give a talk in a neighboring town, and it was clear to all three of us that he was wea rin g out, though we had the usual wide-ranging conversation about politics and newspapers and things in the news.
A few weeks earlier, he had told my son, "You know, Mike, the first hundred years are a lot easier than the second hundred." At one point in our drive that Saturday, he said, "You know, I'm probably not going to live much longer."
"You're probably right," I said.
"Why would you say that?" He countered, somewhat irritated.
"Because you're 102 years old," I said.
"Yes," he said, "you're right." He stayed in bed all the next day.
That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with him through the night.
He appreciated it, he said, though at one point, apparently seeing us look gloomy, he said:
"I would like to make an announcement. No one in this room is dead yet"
An hour or s o la ter, he spoke his last words:
"I want you to know," he said, clearly and lucidly, "that I am in no pain. I am very c omfortable. And I have had as happy a life as anyone on this earth could ever have."
A short time later, he died.
I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I've wondered now and then how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so long.
I can't figure out if it was because he walked through life, Or because he quit taking left turns. "
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Pray for those who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it."
[Adult] Run For It
SLIM FAST
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing
and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is
delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day
there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,
sexy woman he has ev er seen in his life . She is wearing nothing but Reebok
running shoes and a sign a round her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can
have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape
and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same
routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that
he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls
the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good
in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge
muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign
around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing
and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is
delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day
there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,
sexy woman he has ev er seen in his life . She is wearing nothing but Reebok
running shoes and a sign a round her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can
have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape
and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same
routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that
he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls
the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good
in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge
muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign
around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
[Spirited] Prayer Partner
A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea
and only two of the men on it were able
to swim to a small, desert like island.
The two survivors, not knowing what else to do,
agree that they had no other recourse
but to pray to God.
However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful,
they agreed to divide the territory between them
and stay on opposite sides of the island
The first thing the first man prayed for was food.
The next morning, the first man saw
a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land,
and he was able to eat its frui t.
The other man's parcel of land remained barren.
After a week, the first man was lonely
and he decided to pray for a wife
The next day, another ship was wrecked,
and the only survivor was a woman
who swam to his side of the land.
On the other side of the island,
there was nothing.
Soon the first man prayed for a house,
clothes, more food.
The next day, like magic,
all of these were given to him.
However,
the second man still had nothing.
Finally, the first man prayed for a ship,
so that his wife and he could leave the island.
In the morning, he found a ship docked
at his side of the island.
The first man boarded the ship with his wife
and decided to leave the second man on the island.
He considered the other man unworthy
to receive God's blessings,
since none of his prayers had been answered.
As the ship was about to leave,
the first man heard a voice from Heaven booming,
'Why are you leaving your companion on the island?'
'My blessings are mine alone,
since I was the one who prayed for them,' the first man answered.
'His prayers were all unanswered,
and so he does not deserve anything.'
'You are mistaken!'
the voice rebuked him.
'He had only one prayer,
which I answered.
If not for that, you would not have
received any of my blessings.'
'Tell me,' the first man asked the voice,
'what did he pray for that I
should owe him anything?'
'He prayed that all your prayers be answered.'
For all we know, our blessings are not
the fruits of our prayers alone,
but those of another praying for us.
When Jesus died on the cross
he was thinking of you!
and only two of the men on it were able
to swim to a small, desert like island.
The two survivors, not knowing what else to do,
agree that they had no other recourse
but to pray to God.
However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful,
they agreed to divide the territory between them
and stay on opposite sides of the island
The first thing the first man prayed for was food.
The next morning, the first man saw
a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land,
and he was able to eat its frui t.
The other man's parcel of land remained barren.
After a week, the first man was lonely
and he decided to pray for a wife
The next day, another ship was wrecked,
and the only survivor was a woman
who swam to his side of the land.
On the other side of the island,
there was nothing.
Soon the first man prayed for a house,
clothes, more food.
The next day, like magic,
all of these were given to him.
However,
the second man still had nothing.
Finally, the first man prayed for a ship,
so that his wife and he could leave the island.
In the morning, he found a ship docked
at his side of the island.
The first man boarded the ship with his wife
and decided to leave the second man on the island.
He considered the other man unworthy
to receive God's blessings,
since none of his prayers had been answered.
As the ship was about to leave,
the first man heard a voice from Heaven booming,
'Why are you leaving your companion on the island?'
'My blessings are mine alone,
since I was the one who prayed for them,' the first man answered.
'His prayers were all unanswered,
and so he does not deserve anything.'
'You are mistaken!'
the voice rebuked him.
'He had only one prayer,
which I answered.
If not for that, you would not have
received any of my blessings.'
'Tell me,' the first man asked the voice,
'what did he pray for that I
should owe him anything?'
'He prayed that all your prayers be answered.'
For all we know, our blessings are not
the fruits of our prayers alone,
but those of another praying for us.
When Jesus died on the cross
he was thinking of you!
[Humor] Pick Four
Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore , he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are! Pass it on
"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
NUTS TO YOU
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of
nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the
nuts.
'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me.'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing
up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been telling' me the
truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable
to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars
of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the
Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go
get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
kid on the bike.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
At the Pearly Gates
Einstein dies and goes to Heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds, and asks for a blackboard and some chalkâ  |
Saint Peter snaps his fingers, and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to Heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George!"
.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong E-mail address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile ... Somewhere in Houston ... A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS . It sure is freakin' hot down here
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore , he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are! Pass it on
"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
NUTS TO YOU
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of
nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the
nuts.
'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me.'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing
up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been telling' me the
truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable
to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars
of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the
Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go
get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
kid on the bike.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
At the Pearly Gates
Einstein dies and goes to Heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds, and asks for a blackboard and some chalkâ  |
Saint Peter snaps his fingers, and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to Heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George!"
.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong E-mail address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile ... Somewhere in Houston ... A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS . It sure is freakin' hot down here
[Interest] Let My Chicken Go
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY :
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY :
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens
[Humor] Law and Order
TEXAS DEPUTY VS NEW YORK LAWYER
Only in Texas my friends.... Only in Texas .... Too bad......
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then a cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says, "License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop " Says the deputy. "License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Only in Texas my friends.... Only in Texas .... Too bad......
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then a cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says, "License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop " Says the deputy. "License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
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