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Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)
The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510
Dear Senator Harkin,
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA
Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service 1-800-289-1040.
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Monday, June 16, 2008
[Adult] Marriage-Go-Round
I DO, I DON'T?
The 1st Affair
>
>A married man
was having an affair with his secretary.
>One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
>Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
>The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
>
>outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>He put on his shoes and drove home.
>'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
>'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair
with my secretary.
>We had sex all afternoon.'
>She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard!
>You've been playing golf!'
>
>
>The 2nd Affair
>A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
>but always talked about having a son.
>They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
>The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
>He was
horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
>He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this
baby.
>Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
>Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
>The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
>'Not this time!'
>
>
>The 3rd Affair
>A mortician was working late one night.
>He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about
>
>to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
>Schwartz had the largest private part
>he had ever seen!
>'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
>commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
>with such an impressive private part.
>It must be saved for posterity.'
>So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,
>and took it home 'I have something to show
>you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
>opening his briefcase.
>'My God!'
the wife exclaimed,
>'Schwartz is dead!'
>
>
>The 4th Affair
>A woman was in bed with her lover
>when she heard her husband opening the front door.
>'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
>She rubbed baby oil all over him,
>then dusted him with talcum powder.
>'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend
you're a statue.'
>'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
>'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,
>'the Smiths bought one and I liked it
>so I got one for us, too.'
>No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
>Around 2 AM the husband got up,
>went to the kitchen and returned
>with a sandwich and a beer.
>'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
>I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
>and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
>
>
>The 5th Affair
>A man walked
into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the
man exclaimed.
>He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak
>and a bottle of w ine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
>'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
>'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
>The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
>The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
>The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing
>to his business down here.'
>
>The 6th Affair
>Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>He looked up and said weakly:
>'I have something I must confess.'
>'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
>'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
>I slept with your sister, your best friend,
>her best friend, and your mother!'
>"I know," she replied,
>"now
just rest and let the poison work.'"
The 1st Affair
>
>A married man
was having an affair with his secretary.
>One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
>Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
>The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
>
>outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>He put on his shoes and drove home.
>'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
>'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair
with my secretary.
>We had sex all afternoon.'
>She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard!
>You've been playing golf!'
>
>
>The 2nd Affair
>A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
>but always talked about having a son.
>They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
>The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
>He was
horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
>He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this
baby.
>Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
>Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
>The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
>'Not this time!'
>
>
>The 3rd Affair
>A mortician was working late one night.
>He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about
>
>to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
>Schwartz had the largest private part
>he had ever seen!
>'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
>commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
>with such an impressive private part.
>It must be saved for posterity.'
>So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,
>and took it home 'I have something to show
>you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
>opening his briefcase.
>'My God!'
the wife exclaimed,
>'Schwartz is dead!'
>
>
>The 4th Affair
>A woman was in bed with her lover
>when she heard her husband opening the front door.
>'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
>She rubbed baby oil all over him,
>then dusted him with talcum powder.
>'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend
you're a statue.'
>'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
>'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,
>'the Smiths bought one and I liked it
>so I got one for us, too.'
>No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
>Around 2 AM the husband got up,
>went to the kitchen and returned
>with a sandwich and a beer.
>'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
>I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
>and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
>
>
>The 5th Affair
>A man walked
into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the
man exclaimed.
>He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak
>and a bottle of w ine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
>'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
>'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
>The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
>The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
>The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing
>to his business down here.'
>
>The 6th Affair
>Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>He looked up and said weakly:
>'I have something I must confess.'
>'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
>'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
>I slept with your sister, your best friend,
>her best friend, and your mother!'
>"I know," she replied,
>"now
just rest and let the poison work.'"
[Interest] There Oughta Be A Law
LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
Law of Mechanical Repair-After your hands are coated with grease your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity-When dropped, any tool will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers-If you dial a wrong # you never get a busy signal... someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi-If you tell the boss you were late because you had a flat tire, next morning you'll have one.
Variation Law-If you change lines/traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you're in now...every time.
Law of the Bath-When the body's fully immersed, the phone rings.
Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you're with someone you don't wanna be seen with.
Law of Result-When you try to prove a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics-The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to reach.
Law of Theater-At any event the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last (works on planes/buses too)
Law of Starbuck-As soon as you sit with a cup of coffee your boss asks you to do something lasting until it's cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers-If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they'll have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surface-The chance of an open face sandwich landing face down on a floor is directly related to the newness/cost of the carpet.
Law of Logical Argument-Anything's possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance-If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking-A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-When you find a product you like, they stop making it.
Doctors Law-If you don't feel well, make an appt to go to the doctor...by the time you get there, you feel better. Don't & you stay sick.
Law of Mechanical Repair-After your hands are coated with grease your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity-When dropped, any tool will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers-If you dial a wrong # you never get a busy signal... someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi-If you tell the boss you were late because you had a flat tire, next morning you'll have one.
Variation Law-If you change lines/traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you're in now...every time.
Law of the Bath-When the body's fully immersed, the phone rings.
Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you're with someone you don't wanna be seen with.
Law of Result-When you try to prove a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics-The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to reach.
Law of Theater-At any event the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last (works on planes/buses too)
Law of Starbuck-As soon as you sit with a cup of coffee your boss asks you to do something lasting until it's cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers-If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they'll have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surface-The chance of an open face sandwich landing face down on a floor is directly related to the newness/cost of the carpet.
Law of Logical Argument-Anything's possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance-If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking-A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-When you find a product you like, they stop making it.
Doctors Law-If you don't feel well, make an appt to go to the doctor...by the time you get there, you feel better. Don't & you stay sick.
[Humor] Sunday Fun Day
JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happie st day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The sec ond bo y says, 'That's nothing. My Dad s cribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last mo nth. Having never m arried, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
< /SPAN>~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a bea t, o ne little boy answered, 'Tho u shal l not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.Later in the week his mother noticed him lying dow n as tho ugh he were ill, and she s aid, ' Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all t his Satan s tuff?'
The other boy r eplied , 'Well, you kno w how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing!
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happie st day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The sec ond bo y says, 'That's nothing. My Dad s cribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last mo nth. Having never m arried, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
< /SPAN>~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a bea t, o ne little boy answered, 'Tho u shal l not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.Later in the week his mother noticed him lying dow n as tho ugh he were ill, and she s aid, ' Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all t his Satan s tuff?'
The other boy r eplied , 'Well, you kno w how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing!
[Interest] Act Your Age
SHOP AROUND
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the
> house. Mowing the
> lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or
> whatever. You
> are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have
> your old work
> clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in
> crotch, old
> t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair
> of tennis shoes.
>
>
> Right in the middle of this great home improvement project
> you realize you
> need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete
> the job.
>
> Depending on your age you might do the following:
>
> In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a
> shower, blow dry your
> hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.
> Check yourself in
> the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne
> because you never
> know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in
> the checkout
> lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the
> register.
>
>
>
> In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean
> shorts and shirt.
> Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for
> much else. Wash
> your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the
> mirror. Still got it.
> Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
> The cute girl
> running the register is the kid sister to someone you went
> to school with.
> >
>
> In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put a
> sweatshirt that is long
> enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
> Put on different
> shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut
> Cologne is almost
> empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to
> Wal-Mart. Check
> yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
> The spicy young
> thing running the register is your daughter's age and
> you feel weird
> thinking she is spicy.
>
>
>
> In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on,
> wipe the dirt off
> your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you
> don't want to get dirt
> in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and
> you swear not to
> wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The
> cutie running
> the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think
> you still have
> it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from
> Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar
> and it says, "I Got Worms."
>
>
>
> In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a
> hat anymore. Hose
> the dog s__t off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when
> you were in your
> 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs
> out the hole in your
> pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you
> don't have your
> glasses on so you are not sure.
>
> >
> In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to
> Wal-Mart until they
> have your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice
> the dog s_ _t on your
> shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you
> because you remind her
> of her grandfather.
>
>
>
> In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again.
> Then stop again. Now
> you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart
> and wander around
> trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out
> loud and you think
> someone called out your name. You went to school with the
> old lady who
> greeted you at the front door.
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the
> house. Mowing the
> lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or
> whatever. You
> are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have
> your old work
> clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in
> crotch, old
> t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair
> of tennis shoes.
>
>
> Right in the middle of this great home improvement project
> you realize you
> need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete
> the job.
>
> Depending on your age you might do the following:
>
> In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a
> shower, blow dry your
> hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.
> Check yourself in
> the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne
> because you never
> know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in
> the checkout
> lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the
> register.
>
>
>
> In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean
> shorts and shirt.
> Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for
> much else. Wash
> your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the
> mirror. Still got it.
> Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
> The cute girl
> running the register is the kid sister to someone you went
> to school with.
> >
>
> In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put a
> sweatshirt that is long
> enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
> Put on different
> shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut
> Cologne is almost
> empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to
> Wal-Mart. Check
> yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
> The spicy young
> thing running the register is your daughter's age and
> you feel weird
> thinking she is spicy.
>
>
>
> In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on,
> wipe the dirt off
> your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you
> don't want to get dirt
> in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and
> you swear not to
> wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The
> cutie running
> the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think
> you still have
> it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from
> Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar
> and it says, "I Got Worms."
>
>
>
> In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a
> hat anymore. Hose
> the dog s__t off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when
> you were in your
> 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs
> out the hole in your
> pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you
> don't have your
> glasses on so you are not sure.
>
> >
> In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to
> Wal-Mart until they
> have your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice
> the dog s_ _t on your
> shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you
> because you remind her
> of her grandfather.
>
>
>
> In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again.
> Then stop again. Now
> you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart
> and wander around
> trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out
> loud and you think
> someone called out your name. You went to school with the
> old lady who
> greeted you at the front door.
[Adult] Cat Toys
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted.. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region..
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Hope your week is better than his!
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted.. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region..
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Hope your week is better than his!
[Humor] The South Shall Rise Again
Subj: gotta love the south
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter repli ed.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
Texas ;
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head". "Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.'
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole y our pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was..
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
And this from South Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.'
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter repli ed.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
Texas ;
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head". "Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.'
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole y our pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was..
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
And this from South Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.'
[Interest] Boy Oh Boy
Sons
For those who have sons & for those who are happy that they don't.
You find out interesting things when you have sons, like ...
1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do no t eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
For those who have sons & for those who are happy that they don't.
You find out interesting things when you have sons, like ...
1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do no t eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
[Adult} Love It Or Leave It
HOW DO I LOVE THEE?
Women's Love Poem
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Men's Love Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a crap.
Women's Love Poem
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Men's Love Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a crap.
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