A Numbers Game
From the Met's website, courtesy of Marty Noble. Here's one of the few statistical paragraphs the Mets don't mind reading lately:
Odds are ... Someone with a computer and too much time has calculated this: For the chances to be better than 50-50 that two people in a group will have the same birthday, the group must include merely 22 people. The Mets' 25-man roster doesn't prove it, but it supports it -- twice. Aaron Sele and Carlos Delgado were born on June 25. Billy Wagner and Guillermo Mota were born on July 25. And if the group were increased to 26 and included Rickey Henderson, now with the club as an instructor, there would be a third set of birthday sharers. Henderson and Ruben Gotay were born on Christmas Day.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
[Interest] Dear Old Dad
The Origin of Fathers Day
Just like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day is celebrated in every part of the world. In the United States, Canada and most countries in Asia, Father’s Day is the third Sunday in June. Although Father’s Day is not observed on the same day in some countries (like Spain and Belgium where Father’s Day falls on March 19th, Sweden on the second Sunday of November, and New Zealand on the first Sunday of September), expressing gratitude and appreciation for dads with a special day seems to be universal. Today, Father’s Day is not only a day to honor fathers, but one to show respect for all father figures. Families honor grandfathers, step-fathers, uncles and other adult male figures that are special to them.
Sonora Louise Smart Dodd, of Spokane, Washington, was 27 when she listened to a Sunday sermon about Mother’s Day in 1909 and wondered why there was no corresponding day for fathers. (Mother’s Day observances began in 1908 in West Virginia and Pennsylvania, according to Hallmark Cards in Kansas City.) She was just 16 when her own father, Civil War veteran William Jackson Smart, was widowed when his wife died in childbirth with their sixth child. Mr. Smart was left to raise the newborn and his five other children by himself on a rural farm in eastern Washington state.
Sonora Dodd began her campaign after that sermon. She believed that the nation did not show enough respect to fathers, citing such popular songs of the day as “Everybody Works But Father,” she promoted Father’s Day out of love for her father.
“One group of men conventioneers laughed and said they didn’t want a Father’s Day,” according to an article in The Spokesman-Review. “A national fishing day would be better", they told her. She persuaded the Spokane Ministerial Association and local YMCA to pass a resolution in support of Father’s Day, and the first local Father’s Day was observed on June 19, 1910, in Spokane, Washington. Mrs. Dodd wanted Father’s Day to be celebrated on the first Sunday in June, her father’s birthday. However, the Spokane council could not get the resolution through the first reading until the third Sunday in June.
States and organizations began lobbying Congress to declare an annual Father’s Day. In 1916, President Woodrow Wilson approved of this idea, but it was not until 1924 when President Calvin Coolidge made it a national event to “establish more intimate relations between fathers and their children and to impress upon fathers the full measure of their obligations.” In 1966 President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father’s Day.
Sonora Smart Dodd was honored for her contribution at the World’s Fair in Spokane in 1974. Mrs. Dodd died in 1978 at age 96.
from http://www.inspirationline.com/Brainteaser/fathersday.htm
Just like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day is celebrated in every part of the world. In the United States, Canada and most countries in Asia, Father’s Day is the third Sunday in June. Although Father’s Day is not observed on the same day in some countries (like Spain and Belgium where Father’s Day falls on March 19th, Sweden on the second Sunday of November, and New Zealand on the first Sunday of September), expressing gratitude and appreciation for dads with a special day seems to be universal. Today, Father’s Day is not only a day to honor fathers, but one to show respect for all father figures. Families honor grandfathers, step-fathers, uncles and other adult male figures that are special to them.
Sonora Louise Smart Dodd, of Spokane, Washington, was 27 when she listened to a Sunday sermon about Mother’s Day in 1909 and wondered why there was no corresponding day for fathers. (Mother’s Day observances began in 1908 in West Virginia and Pennsylvania, according to Hallmark Cards in Kansas City.) She was just 16 when her own father, Civil War veteran William Jackson Smart, was widowed when his wife died in childbirth with their sixth child. Mr. Smart was left to raise the newborn and his five other children by himself on a rural farm in eastern Washington state.
Sonora Dodd began her campaign after that sermon. She believed that the nation did not show enough respect to fathers, citing such popular songs of the day as “Everybody Works But Father,” she promoted Father’s Day out of love for her father.
“One group of men conventioneers laughed and said they didn’t want a Father’s Day,” according to an article in The Spokesman-Review. “A national fishing day would be better", they told her. She persuaded the Spokane Ministerial Association and local YMCA to pass a resolution in support of Father’s Day, and the first local Father’s Day was observed on June 19, 1910, in Spokane, Washington. Mrs. Dodd wanted Father’s Day to be celebrated on the first Sunday in June, her father’s birthday. However, the Spokane council could not get the resolution through the first reading until the third Sunday in June.
States and organizations began lobbying Congress to declare an annual Father’s Day. In 1916, President Woodrow Wilson approved of this idea, but it was not until 1924 when President Calvin Coolidge made it a national event to “establish more intimate relations between fathers and their children and to impress upon fathers the full measure of their obligations.” In 1966 President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father’s Day.
Sonora Smart Dodd was honored for her contribution at the World’s Fair in Spokane in 1974. Mrs. Dodd died in 1978 at age 96.
from http://www.inspirationline.com/Brainteaser/fathersday.htm
[Adult] Gorilla My Dreams
Gorilla in the Mist
A small zoo in North Carolina obtained a very rare species of gorilla.Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.4. And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."
A small zoo in North Carolina obtained a very rare species of gorilla.Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.4. And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."
[Interest] Jolly July
NOTABLE DATES IN JULY
1 - Battle of Gettysburg, 1st, 2nd and 3rd (1863)
1 - Teddy Roosevelt takes San Juan Hill (1898)
1 - Medicare goes into effect (1965)
2 - "TAPS" debuts (1862)
2 - President Garfield shot (1881)
2 - Amelia Earhart disappears (1937)
3 - Roswell "UFO" crash (1947)
4 - Independence Day (1776)
4 - Digging starts on Erie Canal (1817)
4 - Thomas Jefferson and John Adams die (1826)
4 - U.S. Grant takes Vicksburg (1863)
4 - Lou Gehrig gives speech at Yankee Stadium (1939)
5 - Slaves freed in New York State (1827)
5 - The bikini introduced (1946)
5 - Elvis records "That’s All Right, Mama" (1954)
6 - First All-Star baseball game (1933)
6 - Ann Frank goes into hiding (1942)
6- George W. Bush born (1946)
7 - London bombing (2005)
11 - Alexander Hamilton killed in duel (1804)
11 - Tri-Boro Bridge opens (1936)
13 - Draft Riots in New York City, 13th to 16th (1863)
13 - Blackout #2 in New York City (1977)
14 - Bastille Day (1789)
16 - First atomic bomb in New Mexico (1945)
16 - John F. Kennedy, Jr. plane crash (1999)
17 - Lexington Avenue subway, stations open from 42nd to 125th streets (1918)
17 - Joe DiMaggio’s hitting streak ends at 56 games (1941)
17 - Disneyland opens (1955)
17 - TWA Flight 800 plane crash on Long Island (1996)
18 - Spanish Civil War starts (1936)
18 - Ted Kennedy car accident at Chappaquiddick (1969)
20 - Failed bomb attempt on Hitler (1944)
20 - Moon landing (1969)
23 - President U.S. Grant dies (1885)
23 - Monica Lewinsky born (1973)
25 - Puerto Rico becomes a Commonwealth (1952)
25 - First subway tokens, 10c and 15c (1953)
25 - Andrea Doria hit by Stockholm (1956)
26 - New York becomes 11th state (1788)
26 - President Truman integrates military (1948)
26 - Last Checker taxicab in New York City (1999)
27 - Korean Armistice (1953)
27 - Bob Hope dies at 100 years (2003)
28 - World War I starts (1914)
28 - Jaqueline Bouvier (Kennedy / Onassis) born (1929)
28 - Plane hits Empire State Building (1945)
28 - South Street Seaport opens (1983)
29 - Defeat of the Spanish Armada (1588)
29 - Eastern Boulevard becomes Bruckner (1942)
30 - Jimmy Hoffa last seen (1975)
31 - Idlewild Airport dedicated (1948)
With thanks to Joseph J. Cusimano
1 - Battle of Gettysburg, 1st, 2nd and 3rd (1863)
1 - Teddy Roosevelt takes San Juan Hill (1898)
1 - Medicare goes into effect (1965)
2 - "TAPS" debuts (1862)
2 - President Garfield shot (1881)
2 - Amelia Earhart disappears (1937)
3 - Roswell "UFO" crash (1947)
4 - Independence Day (1776)
4 - Digging starts on Erie Canal (1817)
4 - Thomas Jefferson and John Adams die (1826)
4 - U.S. Grant takes Vicksburg (1863)
4 - Lou Gehrig gives speech at Yankee Stadium (1939)
5 - Slaves freed in New York State (1827)
5 - The bikini introduced (1946)
5 - Elvis records "That’s All Right, Mama" (1954)
6 - First All-Star baseball game (1933)
6 - Ann Frank goes into hiding (1942)
6- George W. Bush born (1946)
7 - London bombing (2005)
11 - Alexander Hamilton killed in duel (1804)
11 - Tri-Boro Bridge opens (1936)
13 - Draft Riots in New York City, 13th to 16th (1863)
13 - Blackout #2 in New York City (1977)
14 - Bastille Day (1789)
16 - First atomic bomb in New Mexico (1945)
16 - John F. Kennedy, Jr. plane crash (1999)
17 - Lexington Avenue subway, stations open from 42nd to 125th streets (1918)
17 - Joe DiMaggio’s hitting streak ends at 56 games (1941)
17 - Disneyland opens (1955)
17 - TWA Flight 800 plane crash on Long Island (1996)
18 - Spanish Civil War starts (1936)
18 - Ted Kennedy car accident at Chappaquiddick (1969)
20 - Failed bomb attempt on Hitler (1944)
20 - Moon landing (1969)
23 - President U.S. Grant dies (1885)
23 - Monica Lewinsky born (1973)
25 - Puerto Rico becomes a Commonwealth (1952)
25 - First subway tokens, 10c and 15c (1953)
25 - Andrea Doria hit by Stockholm (1956)
26 - New York becomes 11th state (1788)
26 - President Truman integrates military (1948)
26 - Last Checker taxicab in New York City (1999)
27 - Korean Armistice (1953)
27 - Bob Hope dies at 100 years (2003)
28 - World War I starts (1914)
28 - Jaqueline Bouvier (Kennedy / Onassis) born (1929)
28 - Plane hits Empire State Building (1945)
28 - South Street Seaport opens (1983)
29 - Defeat of the Spanish Armada (1588)
29 - Eastern Boulevard becomes Bruckner (1942)
30 - Jimmy Hoffa last seen (1975)
31 - Idlewild Airport dedicated (1948)
With thanks to Joseph J. Cusimano
Friday, June 29, 2007
[Interest] June Bugs
NOTABLE DATES IN JUNE
1 - Marilyn Monroe born (1926)
1 - Superman debuts, Action Comics #1 (1938)
1 - CNN debuts (1980)
2 - Salem witch trials begin (1692)
2 - Lou Gehrig dies (1941)
3 - Jefferson Davis born (1808)
4 - Battle of Midway starts, 6AM (1942)
4 - Liberation of Rome (1944)
4 - Tiananmen Square massacre (1989)
5 - Six Day War starts in Middle East (1967)
5 - Robert F. Kennedy shot (1968)
5 - Ronald Reagan dies (2004)
6 - East Bronx annexed (1895)
6 - D-Day landing on Normandy Beach (1944)
6 - Robert F. Kenney dies (1968)
8 - Corner stone, St. Helena’s (1944)
8 - Milton Berle debuts on TV (1948)
10- Mussolini joins war on England and France (1940)
12 - Oreo Cookie debuts (1912)
12 - The O.J. murders (1994)
13 - Last train on 2nd Avenue Elevated (1942)
14 - Army Day (1775)
14 - Flag Day (1777)
15 - General Slocum ship fire (1904)
16 - First roller coaster at Coney Island (1884)
16 - First woman in space, USSR (1963)
16 - Pelham Bay Library opens (1976)
17 - Battle of Bunker Hill (1775)
17 - Watergate break-in (1972)
18 - War of 1812 begins (1812)
18 - Napoleon defeated at Waterloo (1815)
18 - Mike Crescenzo born (1917)
19 - Freedomland opens (1960)
21 - The U.S.A. is born (1788)
22 - Joe Louis becomes boxing champ (1937)
22 - Second Louis-Schmeling fight (1938)
22 - France falls to Hitler (1940)
22 - Hitler invades Russia (1941)
25 - Battle of Little Big Horn (1876)
25 - Korean War starts (1950)
26 - New York Daily News, first issue (1919)
26 - Berlin airlift begins (1948)
28 - Polo Grounds open (1911)
28 - Arch-Duke of Austria shot (1914)
29 - Circumferential (Belt) Parkway opens (1940)
30 - Albert Einstein publishes E=mc2 (1905)
With thanks to Joseph J. Cusimano
1 - Marilyn Monroe born (1926)
1 - Superman debuts, Action Comics #1 (1938)
1 - CNN debuts (1980)
2 - Salem witch trials begin (1692)
2 - Lou Gehrig dies (1941)
3 - Jefferson Davis born (1808)
4 - Battle of Midway starts, 6AM (1942)
4 - Liberation of Rome (1944)
4 - Tiananmen Square massacre (1989)
5 - Six Day War starts in Middle East (1967)
5 - Robert F. Kennedy shot (1968)
5 - Ronald Reagan dies (2004)
6 - East Bronx annexed (1895)
6 - D-Day landing on Normandy Beach (1944)
6 - Robert F. Kenney dies (1968)
8 - Corner stone, St. Helena’s (1944)
8 - Milton Berle debuts on TV (1948)
10- Mussolini joins war on England and France (1940)
12 - Oreo Cookie debuts (1912)
12 - The O.J. murders (1994)
13 - Last train on 2nd Avenue Elevated (1942)
14 - Army Day (1775)
14 - Flag Day (1777)
15 - General Slocum ship fire (1904)
16 - First roller coaster at Coney Island (1884)
16 - First woman in space, USSR (1963)
16 - Pelham Bay Library opens (1976)
17 - Battle of Bunker Hill (1775)
17 - Watergate break-in (1972)
18 - War of 1812 begins (1812)
18 - Napoleon defeated at Waterloo (1815)
18 - Mike Crescenzo born (1917)
19 - Freedomland opens (1960)
21 - The U.S.A. is born (1788)
22 - Joe Louis becomes boxing champ (1937)
22 - Second Louis-Schmeling fight (1938)
22 - France falls to Hitler (1940)
22 - Hitler invades Russia (1941)
25 - Battle of Little Big Horn (1876)
25 - Korean War starts (1950)
26 - New York Daily News, first issue (1919)
26 - Berlin airlift begins (1948)
28 - Polo Grounds open (1911)
28 - Arch-Duke of Austria shot (1914)
29 - Circumferential (Belt) Parkway opens (1940)
30 - Albert Einstein publishes E=mc2 (1905)
With thanks to Joseph J. Cusimano
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
[Interest] News Bites
From our friends at The Onion web site:
Dog Breeders Issue Massive Recall Of '07 Pugs WASHINGTON, DC—While pug owners are accustomed to chronic dog malfunction, the latest animals are prone to more than the usual overheating, seizures, and joint failure.Modern-Day Martin Luther Nails 95 Comment Cards To IHOP DoorSIOUX FALLS, SD—"IHOP has grown weak on powdered sugar and fruity garnishes, forsaking the purity of its original mission," said Lyman, a onetime regular customer. Study: 38 Percent Of People Not Actually Entitled To Their OpinionCHICAGO—In a surprising refutation of the conventional wisdom on opinion entitlement, a study conducted by the University of Chicago's School for Behavioral Science concluded that more than one-third of the U.S. population is neither entitled nor qualified to have opinions."On topics from evolution to the environment to gay marriage to immigration reform, we found that many of the opinions expressed were so off-base and ill-informed that they actually hurt society by being voiced," said chief researcher Professor Mark Fultz, who based the findings on hundreds of telephone, office, and dinner-party conversations compiled over a three-yearperiod. "While people have long asserted that it takes all kinds, our research shows that American society currently has a drastic oversupply of the kinds who don't have any good or worthwhile thoughts whatsoever. We could actually do just fine without them."In 2002, Fultz's team shook the academic world by conclusively proving the existence of both bad ideas during brainstorming and dumb questions during question-and-answer sessions. Trump Quits The Apprentice"I can't knock a guy as successful as he is. The man single-handedly built an empire on nothing but a huge inheritance from his father."— Wendy Halpern, Systems Analyst
Dog Breeders Issue Massive Recall Of '07 Pugs WASHINGTON, DC—While pug owners are accustomed to chronic dog malfunction, the latest animals are prone to more than the usual overheating, seizures, and joint failure.Modern-Day Martin Luther Nails 95 Comment Cards To IHOP DoorSIOUX FALLS, SD—"IHOP has grown weak on powdered sugar and fruity garnishes, forsaking the purity of its original mission," said Lyman, a onetime regular customer. Study: 38 Percent Of People Not Actually Entitled To Their OpinionCHICAGO—In a surprising refutation of the conventional wisdom on opinion entitlement, a study conducted by the University of Chicago's School for Behavioral Science concluded that more than one-third of the U.S. population is neither entitled nor qualified to have opinions."On topics from evolution to the environment to gay marriage to immigration reform, we found that many of the opinions expressed were so off-base and ill-informed that they actually hurt society by being voiced," said chief researcher Professor Mark Fultz, who based the findings on hundreds of telephone, office, and dinner-party conversations compiled over a three-yearperiod. "While people have long asserted that it takes all kinds, our research shows that American society currently has a drastic oversupply of the kinds who don't have any good or worthwhile thoughts whatsoever. We could actually do just fine without them."In 2002, Fultz's team shook the academic world by conclusively proving the existence of both bad ideas during brainstorming and dumb questions during question-and-answer sessions. Trump Quits The Apprentice"I can't knock a guy as successful as he is. The man single-handedly built an empire on nothing but a huge inheritance from his father."— Wendy Halpern, Systems Analyst
[Interest] The Simple Life
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES>> >>> > 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.>> > Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and>> > presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.>> >>> > 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing>> > vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while>> > you chop.>> >>> > 3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting>> > the toilet seat just by using the sink.>> >>> > 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut>> > yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the>> > pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.>> >>> > 5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will>> > prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep>> > after you hit the snooze button.>> >>> > 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of>> > laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.>> >>> > 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a>> > hammer. You will forget all about the toothache.>> >>> > 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules>> > of life really are:>> >>> > In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.>> > If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.>> > If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.>> >>> > 9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to>> > know them. (Personally, I think this should be number one.)>> >>> > 10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.>>>>>>>>>> Have a great day!
[Adult] Back To School
SCHOOL DAZE
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?" Harry: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?" Harry: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
[Adult] Sky High
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINESDump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services." Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?Sincerely,Bill Clinton
[Spirited] The Promise
The Love of a Father
It’s a fascinating story that comes out of the 1989 earthquake which almost flattened Armenia. This deadly tremor killed over 30,000 people in less than four minutes. In the midst of all the confusion of the earthquake, a father rushed to his son’s school. When he arrived there he discovered the building was flat as a pancake.
Standing there looking at what was left of the school, the father remembered a promise he made to his son, “No matter what, I’ll always be there for you!” Tears began to fill his eyes. It looked like a hopeless situation, but he could not take his mind off his promise.
Remembering that his son’s classroom was in the back right corner of the building, the father rushed there and started digging through the rubble. As he was digging other grieving parents arrived, clutching their hearts, saying: “My son! “My daughter!” They tried to pull him off of what was left of the school saying: “It’s too late!” “They’re dead!” “You can’t help!” “Go home!” Even a police officer and a fire-fighter told him he should go home. To everyone who tried to stop him he said, “Are you going to help me now?” They did not answer him and he continued digging for his son stone by stone.
He needed to know for himself: “Is my boy alive or is he dead?” This man dug for eight hours and then twelve and then twenty-four and then thirty-six. Finally in the thirty-eighth hour, as he pulled back a boulder, he heard his son’s voice. He screamed his son’s name, “ARMAND!” and a voice answered him, “Dad?” It’s me Dad!”
Then the boy added these priceless words, “I told the other kids not to worry. I told ‘em that if you were alive, you’d save me and when you saved me, they’d be saved. You promised that, Dad. ’no matter what,’ you said, ‘I’ll always be there for you!’ And here you are Dad. You kept your promise!”
Jesus said, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” [Hebrews 13:5]
from “Chicken Soup For the Soul", edited by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen.
It’s a fascinating story that comes out of the 1989 earthquake which almost flattened Armenia. This deadly tremor killed over 30,000 people in less than four minutes. In the midst of all the confusion of the earthquake, a father rushed to his son’s school. When he arrived there he discovered the building was flat as a pancake.
Standing there looking at what was left of the school, the father remembered a promise he made to his son, “No matter what, I’ll always be there for you!” Tears began to fill his eyes. It looked like a hopeless situation, but he could not take his mind off his promise.
Remembering that his son’s classroom was in the back right corner of the building, the father rushed there and started digging through the rubble. As he was digging other grieving parents arrived, clutching their hearts, saying: “My son! “My daughter!” They tried to pull him off of what was left of the school saying: “It’s too late!” “They’re dead!” “You can’t help!” “Go home!” Even a police officer and a fire-fighter told him he should go home. To everyone who tried to stop him he said, “Are you going to help me now?” They did not answer him and he continued digging for his son stone by stone.
He needed to know for himself: “Is my boy alive or is he dead?” This man dug for eight hours and then twelve and then twenty-four and then thirty-six. Finally in the thirty-eighth hour, as he pulled back a boulder, he heard his son’s voice. He screamed his son’s name, “ARMAND!” and a voice answered him, “Dad?” It’s me Dad!”
Then the boy added these priceless words, “I told the other kids not to worry. I told ‘em that if you were alive, you’d save me and when you saved me, they’d be saved. You promised that, Dad. ’no matter what,’ you said, ‘I’ll always be there for you!’ And here you are Dad. You kept your promise!”
Jesus said, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” [Hebrews 13:5]
from “Chicken Soup For the Soul", edited by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen.
Monday, June 4, 2007
[Interest] Memories Are Made of This
MEMORIAL DAY
On the topic of controversial matters, here we have information about Memorial Day, and who in the world would expect that to be controversial, but there you have it. I've always said, if the newspaper prints an editorial in favor of breathing, you can be sure that people will write in angry letters in opposition to it. All we wondered at work was why it was sometimes observed before May 30 and sometimes after, and you would think there would be a simple answer to that, but instead it opens up a whole can of worms, as follows - ======================================= Memorial Day was officially proclaimed on 5 May 1868 by General John Logan, national commander of the Grand Army of the Republic, in his General Order No. 11, and was first observed on 30 May 1868, when flowers were placed on the graves of Union and Confederate solders at Arlington National Cemetery. The first state to officially recognize the holiday was New York in 1873. By 1890, it was recognized by all of the northern states. The South refused to acknowledge the day, honoring their dead on separate days until after World War I (when the holiday changed from honoring just those who died fighting in the Civil War to honoring Americans who died fighting in any war). It is now celebrated in almost every State on the last Monday in May (passed by Congress with the National Holiday Act, P.L. 90-363 in 1971 to ensure a three-day weekend for Federal holidays), though several southern states have an additional separate day for honoring the Confederate war dead: January 19 in Texas; April 26 in Alabama, Florida, Georgia and Mississippi; May 10 in South Carolina; and June 3 (Jefferson Davis' birthday) in Louisiana and Tennessee. ===================================== So there you have it, and better late than never, I suppose. And speaking of better late than never, I'd say that the Revolutionary War casualties were lucky that World War I came along, and changed it from just the Civil War to instead all the wars, because obviously the colonial soldiers weren't getting their own day, no how. If even after 100 years, they couldn't hitch a ride on the Civil War coattails, then they didn't stand a chance, and the War of 1812 casualties even less. This is the kind of thing that makes people say it's an ill wind that blows no good.
On the topic of controversial matters, here we have information about Memorial Day, and who in the world would expect that to be controversial, but there you have it. I've always said, if the newspaper prints an editorial in favor of breathing, you can be sure that people will write in angry letters in opposition to it. All we wondered at work was why it was sometimes observed before May 30 and sometimes after, and you would think there would be a simple answer to that, but instead it opens up a whole can of worms, as follows - ======================================= Memorial Day was officially proclaimed on 5 May 1868 by General John Logan, national commander of the Grand Army of the Republic, in his General Order No. 11, and was first observed on 30 May 1868, when flowers were placed on the graves of Union and Confederate solders at Arlington National Cemetery. The first state to officially recognize the holiday was New York in 1873. By 1890, it was recognized by all of the northern states. The South refused to acknowledge the day, honoring their dead on separate days until after World War I (when the holiday changed from honoring just those who died fighting in the Civil War to honoring Americans who died fighting in any war). It is now celebrated in almost every State on the last Monday in May (passed by Congress with the National Holiday Act, P.L. 90-363 in 1971 to ensure a three-day weekend for Federal holidays), though several southern states have an additional separate day for honoring the Confederate war dead: January 19 in Texas; April 26 in Alabama, Florida, Georgia and Mississippi; May 10 in South Carolina; and June 3 (Jefferson Davis' birthday) in Louisiana and Tennessee. ===================================== So there you have it, and better late than never, I suppose. And speaking of better late than never, I'd say that the Revolutionary War casualties were lucky that World War I came along, and changed it from just the Civil War to instead all the wars, because obviously the colonial soldiers weren't getting their own day, no how. If even after 100 years, they couldn't hitch a ride on the Civil War coattails, then they didn't stand a chance, and the War of 1812 casualties even less. This is the kind of thing that makes people say it's an ill wind that blows no good.
[Adult] New Birth
BABY ON BOARD
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...You'll love this.... *
*
*
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"YOU'VE GOT MALE!"
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...You'll love this.... *
*
*
*
*
*
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"YOU'VE GOT MALE!"
[Humor] In The Dark
CODE WORDS
I was new to the residency program
at a large and bustling teaching hospital
in the south, where there was so much
to learn at all hours of the day and night.
I was anxious to do well, and studied all
of the educational materials I could get
my hands on. But I was pulled up short
one night when I heard the Operator page
“Code Brown, Maternity Ward” and saw
a bunch of employees hurry off in that
direction. Although I hated to appear
ignorant, I had to stop one of them and
admit that I had no idea what a “Code
Brown” was, even after looking up the
various codes in the training manual.
“Oh,” the nurse replied as she rushed off,
“We use that when a patient has been
discharged, and the family leaves behind
a box of chocolates for the staff.”
- Readers Digest
I was new to the residency program
at a large and bustling teaching hospital
in the south, where there was so much
to learn at all hours of the day and night.
I was anxious to do well, and studied all
of the educational materials I could get
my hands on. But I was pulled up short
one night when I heard the Operator page
“Code Brown, Maternity Ward” and saw
a bunch of employees hurry off in that
direction. Although I hated to appear
ignorant, I had to stop one of them and
admit that I had no idea what a “Code
Brown” was, even after looking up the
various codes in the training manual.
“Oh,” the nurse replied as she rushed off,
“We use that when a patient has been
discharged, and the family leaves behind
a box of chocolates for the staff.”
- Readers Digest
[Spirited] School Daze
One Nation, "Under God". One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?TOMMY: Yes.TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?TOMMY: Yes.TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.TEACHER: Did you see God up there?TOMMY: No.TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist. A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?TOMMY: Yes. LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?TOMMY: Yessssss! LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?TOMMY: Yessssss!LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?TOMMY: Yes LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain? TOMMY: NoLITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!(You Go Girl!)FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT" II CORINTHIANS 5:7
[Interest] Drive Me Crazy
How to Drive In Jersey-------------------------1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name; it is Nork not New-ark.2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the Parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered "Wussy."4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot. 7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these items.9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ-pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting. 10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
[Humor] Out Of Order
BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. _____________________________________________________ Preparing for the Birth: 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month. ______________________________________________________ The Layette: 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? ______________________________________________________ Worries: 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your first born. 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. ______________________________________________________ Pacifier: 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it. 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in. ______________________________________________________ Diapering: 1st baby: You change your baby 's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. __________________________________________________ Activities: 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. ______________________________________________________ Going Out: 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. ______________________________________________________ At Home: 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. ____________________ __________________________________ Swallowing Coins (a favorite): 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays. 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass. 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance! ______________________________________________________ Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . . or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children . . . (The older the mother, the funnier this is!) GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live!
[Interest] News You Can't Use
Here's a little bit of humor from our friends at The Onion web site.
*****************
Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions
KANSAS CITY, MO—The new Hallmark-brand feelings will fill any gaps left by the company's "Thinking of You" and "Just Because" categories. More News » Dept. Of Evil: 'All Of You Must Die'WASHINGTON, DC—The department warned that all necks would feel the steely bite of its soul-thirsty axe as soon as funding is approved.
More News » Professor Sees Parallels Between Things, Other Things
AUSTIN, TX—University of Texas professor Thom Windham once again furthered the cause of human inquiry in a class lecture Monday, as he continued his longtime practice of finding connections between things and other things, pointing out these parallels, and then elaborating on them in detail, campus sources reported.
"By drawing parallels between things and other, entirely different things, I not only further my own studies, but also encourage young minds to develop this comparative methodology in their own work," said Windham, holding his left hand up to represent one thing, then holding his right hand up to represent a separate thing, then bringing his hands together in simulation of a hypothetical synthesis of the two things. "It's not just similarities that are important, though—the differences between things are also worth exploring at length."
Fifteen years ago, Windham was awarded tenure for doing this.
BREAKING NEWS: Televangelist Jerry Falwell Dead"It'll be interesting to see how Jerry Falwell is able to blame the ACLU for this."— Cathy Breger, Systems Analyst
*****************
Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions
KANSAS CITY, MO—The new Hallmark-brand feelings will fill any gaps left by the company's "Thinking of You" and "Just Because" categories. More News » Dept. Of Evil: 'All Of You Must Die'WASHINGTON, DC—The department warned that all necks would feel the steely bite of its soul-thirsty axe as soon as funding is approved.
More News » Professor Sees Parallels Between Things, Other Things
AUSTIN, TX—University of Texas professor Thom Windham once again furthered the cause of human inquiry in a class lecture Monday, as he continued his longtime practice of finding connections between things and other things, pointing out these parallels, and then elaborating on them in detail, campus sources reported.
"By drawing parallels between things and other, entirely different things, I not only further my own studies, but also encourage young minds to develop this comparative methodology in their own work," said Windham, holding his left hand up to represent one thing, then holding his right hand up to represent a separate thing, then bringing his hands together in simulation of a hypothetical synthesis of the two things. "It's not just similarities that are important, though—the differences between things are also worth exploring at length."
Fifteen years ago, Windham was awarded tenure for doing this.
BREAKING NEWS: Televangelist Jerry Falwell Dead"It'll be interesting to see how Jerry Falwell is able to blame the ACLU for this."— Cathy Breger, Systems Analyst
[Interest] Wing It
Madeleine Begun Kane,Humor Columnist,E-MAPPING IT OUT
....
When my husband Mark suggested an impromptu trip to Long Island's East Hampton, I instinctively reached for a map. Then I remembered; we no longer own any maps. They were soaked beyond redemption in a flash flood that destroyed our car during our last impromptu trip. We replaced the car, but not the maps.
"Internet to the rescue!" I said, as Mark tried to rush me out the door. But before he could finish saying "Let's wing it," I'd surfed to Yahoo's print map substitute. (From Yahoo.com click on "Maps.") Next I obediently typed our destination's address, an inn Mark had just booked. (We're spontaneous, but not that spontaneous.)
I clicked on "Get Map" and within seconds I saw a map pinpointing the inn's precise location. Soon I was zooming in and out, generating other maps with varying perspectives. But I didn't play for long; printing was slow, and Mark was pacing.
I still didn't know how to get from here to there, so I clicked on "To This Location," typed our departure address, and up popped directions from house to inn with precise mileage figures from exit to exit. Of course, the absence of exit numbers and a misspelling ("Croos" in "Cross Island Parkway") didn't exactly inspire confidence.
Armed with maps and directions, we started our 87.4 mile trip, me navigating, Mark at the wheel. The first leg of the trip was reasonably familiar turf, so I'm afraid I paid more attention to the music (Blondie) and conversation (sparkling) than I did to the road. Big mistake.
"Turn off here," I shouted when I belatedly noticed our exit for Highway 111, causing Mark to careen across two lanes of 70 mph drivers. Based on the e-map's mileage info, we'd reached it at least 20 minutes early. But instead of being suspicious, we chalked it up to the "time files when you're having fun" syndrome. Besides, we had to take Yahoo's word on mileage; we'd forgotten to check our odometer.
Some people might have been daunted by the next command to turn east; our choices were north and south. But we blithely presumed Yahoo was wrong, picked south, and kept driving.
Next we were supposed to "bear left on HWY 27, heading east for 29.9 miles." If only there were a "bear left on 27." By then we would have happily settled for a "bear anywhere." Now we were daunted.
We u-turned and, using Mark's "winging it" approach, eventually found "27," bad-mouthing Yahoo all the way. Gloating over his navigational gifts, Mark would undoubtedly have bragged all weekend, were it not for a surprise we encountered 22 miles later -- an exit for yet another "111."
Yes, for some inexplicable reason, Long Island's Suffolk County boasts two "111's." And much as we wanted to, we couldn't blame the Yahoo map for our confusion. For as it turned out, it had specified the precise distance to the proper 111. Had we checked our odometer, we might even have taken the right road.
Our faith in Yahoo restored, we drove to the inn, had a wonderful weekend, and headed home. Unfortunately, around mile ten our map and directions blew out our open sun roof.
So we winged it.
....
When my husband Mark suggested an impromptu trip to Long Island's East Hampton, I instinctively reached for a map. Then I remembered; we no longer own any maps. They were soaked beyond redemption in a flash flood that destroyed our car during our last impromptu trip. We replaced the car, but not the maps.
"Internet to the rescue!" I said, as Mark tried to rush me out the door. But before he could finish saying "Let's wing it," I'd surfed to Yahoo's print map substitute. (From Yahoo.com click on "Maps.") Next I obediently typed our destination's address, an inn Mark had just booked. (We're spontaneous, but not that spontaneous.)
I clicked on "Get Map" and within seconds I saw a map pinpointing the inn's precise location. Soon I was zooming in and out, generating other maps with varying perspectives. But I didn't play for long; printing was slow, and Mark was pacing.
I still didn't know how to get from here to there, so I clicked on "To This Location," typed our departure address, and up popped directions from house to inn with precise mileage figures from exit to exit. Of course, the absence of exit numbers and a misspelling ("Croos" in "Cross Island Parkway") didn't exactly inspire confidence.
Armed with maps and directions, we started our 87.4 mile trip, me navigating, Mark at the wheel. The first leg of the trip was reasonably familiar turf, so I'm afraid I paid more attention to the music (Blondie) and conversation (sparkling) than I did to the road. Big mistake.
"Turn off here," I shouted when I belatedly noticed our exit for Highway 111, causing Mark to careen across two lanes of 70 mph drivers. Based on the e-map's mileage info, we'd reached it at least 20 minutes early. But instead of being suspicious, we chalked it up to the "time files when you're having fun" syndrome. Besides, we had to take Yahoo's word on mileage; we'd forgotten to check our odometer.
Some people might have been daunted by the next command to turn east; our choices were north and south. But we blithely presumed Yahoo was wrong, picked south, and kept driving.
Next we were supposed to "bear left on HWY 27, heading east for 29.9 miles." If only there were a "bear left on 27." By then we would have happily settled for a "bear anywhere." Now we were daunted.
We u-turned and, using Mark's "winging it" approach, eventually found "27," bad-mouthing Yahoo all the way. Gloating over his navigational gifts, Mark would undoubtedly have bragged all weekend, were it not for a surprise we encountered 22 miles later -- an exit for yet another "111."
Yes, for some inexplicable reason, Long Island's Suffolk County boasts two "111's." And much as we wanted to, we couldn't blame the Yahoo map for our confusion. For as it turned out, it had specified the precise distance to the proper 111. Had we checked our odometer, we might even have taken the right road.
Our faith in Yahoo restored, we drove to the inn, had a wonderful weekend, and headed home. Unfortunately, around mile ten our map and directions blew out our open sun roof.
So we winged it.
[Interest] Daffy-nitions
ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.): The belief that, when you die, your soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.): The belief that, when you die, your soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.
[Spirited] True Blue
It is time for some TRUE AMERICAN Humor!Only it isn't seen as HUMOR, but the correct way to LIVE YOUR LIFE! If you feel the same, pass this on to your True American friends. Y'all know who they are...
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God." You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival." You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend. If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough TRUE AMERICAN in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email. God Bless the U S A ! Amen
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God." You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival." You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend. If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough TRUE AMERICAN in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email. God Bless the U S A ! Amen
[Adult] Calling All Fairies
Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said, No," and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, never woke up in the middle of the night from loud snoring and was never farted on.
The End
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said, No," and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, never woke up in the middle of the night from loud snoring and was never farted on.
The End
[Interest] Play Ball
Manny Ramirez Asks Red Sox If He Can Work From Home
May 3, 2007 Onion Sports
BOSTON—Claiming that a relaxed atmosphere and a chance to create his own schedule would greatly benefit his productivity, Red Sox left-fielder Manny Ramirez has asked team officials if he can play the remainder of the season from the comfort of his own home. "My client just can't seem to focus in his current place of work," said Ramirez's agent Greg Genske, noting that Fenway Park's loud, boisterous atmosphere and high-stress, pressure-packed environment are "not ideal working conditions for anyone." "Manny seeks a work space where he doesn't have to constantly travel, can wear whatever he wants, and can work at his own pace. I assure you that he will be able to put up the same statistics he normally does while physically on a baseball diamond. Just give him until November or December." The Red Sox have tentatively agreed to allow Ramirez to telecommute, claiming that although their offense may suffer without him at the ballpark, their defense in a vacant left field may substantially improve.
May 3, 2007 Onion Sports
BOSTON—Claiming that a relaxed atmosphere and a chance to create his own schedule would greatly benefit his productivity, Red Sox left-fielder Manny Ramirez has asked team officials if he can play the remainder of the season from the comfort of his own home. "My client just can't seem to focus in his current place of work," said Ramirez's agent Greg Genske, noting that Fenway Park's loud, boisterous atmosphere and high-stress, pressure-packed environment are "not ideal working conditions for anyone." "Manny seeks a work space where he doesn't have to constantly travel, can wear whatever he wants, and can work at his own pace. I assure you that he will be able to put up the same statistics he normally does while physically on a baseball diamond. Just give him until November or December." The Red Sox have tentatively agreed to allow Ramirez to telecommute, claiming that although their offense may suffer without him at the ballpark, their defense in a vacant left field may substantially improve.
[Spirited] Good Old Days
FOR OLD TIMES SAKE
The other day a> >> young person asked me how I felt about being old. I> >> was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as> >> old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately> >> embarrassed, but I explained that it was an> >> interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let> >> her know.> >>> >> Old Age, I decided,> >> is a gift.> >>> >> I am now, probably> >> for the first time in my life, the person I have> >> always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime> >> despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes,> >> and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by> >> that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks> >> like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those> >> things for long.> >>> >>> >> I would never trade> >> my a mazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving> >> family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As> >> I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less> >> critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I> >> don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or> >> for not making my bed, or for buying that silly> >> cement gecko (or motorcycle) that I didn't need, but> >> looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to> >> a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have> >> seen too many dear friends leave this world too> >> soon; before they understood the great freedom that> >> comes with aging.> >>> >> Whose business is it> >> if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4> >> a.m and sleep until noon ?> >>> >> I will dance with> >> myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's, and if> >> I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love> >> ... I will.> >>> >> I will walk the> >> beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a> >> bulging body, and will dive into the waves with> >> abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances> >> from the jet set.> >>> >>> >> They, too, will get> >> old.> >>> >> I know I am> >> sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life> >> is just as well forgotten. And I eventually> >> remember the importan t things.> >>> >> Sure, over the years> >> my heart has been broken. How can your heart not> >> break when you lose a loved one, or when a child> >> suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a> >> car? But broken hearts are what give us strength> >> and understanding and compassion. A heart never> >> broken is pristine and sterile and will never know> >> the joy of being imperfect.> >>> >> I am so blessed to> >> have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray,> >> and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched> >> into deep grooves on my face. So many have never> >> laughed, and so many have died before their hair> >> could turn silver.> >>> >> As you get older, it> >> is easier to be positive. You care less about what> >> other people think. I don't question myself> >> anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.> >>> >>> >>> >> So, to answer your> >> question, I like being old. It has set me free. I> >> like the person I have become. I am not going to> >> live forever, but while I am still here, I will not> >> waste time lamenting what could have been, or> >> worrying about what will be And I shall eat> >> dessert every single day.> >>> >> Author Unknown
The other day a> >> young person asked me how I felt about being old. I> >> was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as> >> old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately> >> embarrassed, but I explained that it was an> >> interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let> >> her know.> >>> >> Old Age, I decided,> >> is a gift.> >>> >> I am now, probably> >> for the first time in my life, the person I have> >> always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime> >> despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes,> >> and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by> >> that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks> >> like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those> >> things for long.> >>> >>> >> I would never trade> >> my a mazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving> >> family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As> >> I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less> >> critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I> >> don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or> >> for not making my bed, or for buying that silly> >> cement gecko (or motorcycle) that I didn't need, but> >> looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to> >> a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have> >> seen too many dear friends leave this world too> >> soon; before they understood the great freedom that> >> comes with aging.> >>> >> Whose business is it> >> if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4> >> a.m and sleep until noon ?> >>> >> I will dance with> >> myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's, and if> >> I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love> >> ... I will.> >>> >> I will walk the> >> beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a> >> bulging body, and will dive into the waves with> >> abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances> >> from the jet set.> >>> >>> >> They, too, will get> >> old.> >>> >> I know I am> >> sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life> >> is just as well forgotten. And I eventually> >> remember the importan t things.> >>> >> Sure, over the years> >> my heart has been broken. How can your heart not> >> break when you lose a loved one, or when a child> >> suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a> >> car? But broken hearts are what give us strength> >> and understanding and compassion. A heart never> >> broken is pristine and sterile and will never know> >> the joy of being imperfect.> >>> >> I am so blessed to> >> have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray,> >> and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched> >> into deep grooves on my face. So many have never> >> laughed, and so many have died before their hair> >> could turn silver.> >>> >> As you get older, it> >> is easier to be positive. You care less about what> >> other people think. I don't question myself> >> anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.> >>> >>> >>> >> So, to answer your> >> question, I like being old. It has set me free. I> >> like the person I have become. I am not going to> >> live forever, but while I am still here, I will not> >> waste time lamenting what could have been, or> >> worrying about what will be And I shall eat> >> dessert every single day.> >>> >> Author Unknown
[Spirited] Taste And See
GOD IS GOOD
After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to bypass my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and as Iapproached, there in the windows were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, soI prayed... "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those deliciousgoodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."
Andsure enough,on the eighth time around the block, there it was!
After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to bypass my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and as Iapproached, there in the windows were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, soI prayed... "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those deliciousgoodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."
Andsure enough,on the eighth time around the block, there it was!
[Interest] Horns And Halos
Secret to Bad-Tasting Diet Sodas FoundBy LIVESCIENCE STAFF
CorbisThe absence of high-fructose corn syrup in diet sodas may change the way the drink feels in your mouth.
Learn More:FoodScienceNews
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------(April 27) - It's the feel of diet soda in the mouth that makes it taste crummy, not the flavor of the artificial sweetener, studies suggest.
Consumers claim they dislike the taste of aspartame and Splenda, but research by two University of Illinois food scientists shows that swillers of diet and regular soda are also influenced by a subtle factor called mouth-feel.
Mouth-feel refers to a food or beverage's body, fullness and thickness, the scientists say, and the presence of high-fructose corn syrup in regular soda and its absence in diet might be a distinguishing factor for discerning drinkers.
Soo-Yeun Lee and Shelly Schmidt trained 12 people for four weeks to use a 15-point scale to rate the characteristics that contribute to the mouth-feel of diet and regular soda. The panelists became so skilled that they were able to accurately identify significant differences in the mouth-feel of 14 samples that sensitive lab instruments identified as very small.
"We worked with solutions of sucrose and high-fructose corn syrup, asking panelists to detect when beverages began to differ from water in mouth-feel," said sensory scientist Soo-Yeun Lee. "And they were able to accurate identify varying degrees of viscosity on our 15-point scale."
"The human mouth cavity appears to be a super-rheometer (the lab instrument that measures viscosity or thickness)," said Lee's colleague Shelly Schmidt.
Lee, Schmidt and S.M. Kappes, Lee's graduate student at the time, co-authored four studies about the sensory characteristics of diet beverages which were recently published in the Journal of Food Science.
Halo and Horns Effects
Enjoying food is complex, involving not only taste and mouth-feel, but also aroma, vision and hearing.
"If you bite into an apple and it doesn't crunch, it affects your perception of the way the apple tastes," Lee said. "And if a beverage doesn't feel right in your mouth, that affects your perception of the way the beverage tastes too."
If a food attribute enhances the flavor "sense" that humans have of something eaten, sensory scientists call that a "halo effect." If the attribute diminishes the flavor sense, scientists say it has a horns effect.
When color was added to lemon-lime beverages, panelists believed that the beverage had more body, meaning the color conferred a halo effect. But the color also led tasters to think the beverage had less carbonation, which it did not, meaning the color also conferred a horns effect, Lee said.
"We think the lemon-lime flavor, which is exciting to the mouth, helps mask the mouth-feel difference, and that's why diet lemon-lime drinks were perceived as tasting more like their non-diet counterpoint than cola-flavored drinks," Lee said.
"It's probably also the reason the new lime diet colas are so popular," Lee said. "The sour taste of the lime works with the carbonation to keep the mouth busy so the consumer doesn't notice the lack of body as much."
Seeking a New Ingredient
Eventually, the scientists would like to find an ingredient that gives body to diet soft drinks without adding calories or other unpleasant side effects.
"We need to find an ingredient that has no calories but gives the same mouth-feel as sucrose," Lee said.
This ingredient would make diet drinks more appealing. "If we could make diet soda taste better, it would be a big step in fighting the obesity epidemic," Schmidt said. "Many people know they should cut calories, but they won't drink diet pop because they don't like the taste." [It took a scientist to figure that out?]
CorbisThe absence of high-fructose corn syrup in diet sodas may change the way the drink feels in your mouth.
Learn More:FoodScienceNews
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------(April 27) - It's the feel of diet soda in the mouth that makes it taste crummy, not the flavor of the artificial sweetener, studies suggest.
Consumers claim they dislike the taste of aspartame and Splenda, but research by two University of Illinois food scientists shows that swillers of diet and regular soda are also influenced by a subtle factor called mouth-feel.
Mouth-feel refers to a food or beverage's body, fullness and thickness, the scientists say, and the presence of high-fructose corn syrup in regular soda and its absence in diet might be a distinguishing factor for discerning drinkers.
Soo-Yeun Lee and Shelly Schmidt trained 12 people for four weeks to use a 15-point scale to rate the characteristics that contribute to the mouth-feel of diet and regular soda. The panelists became so skilled that they were able to accurately identify significant differences in the mouth-feel of 14 samples that sensitive lab instruments identified as very small.
"We worked with solutions of sucrose and high-fructose corn syrup, asking panelists to detect when beverages began to differ from water in mouth-feel," said sensory scientist Soo-Yeun Lee. "And they were able to accurate identify varying degrees of viscosity on our 15-point scale."
"The human mouth cavity appears to be a super-rheometer (the lab instrument that measures viscosity or thickness)," said Lee's colleague Shelly Schmidt.
Lee, Schmidt and S.M. Kappes, Lee's graduate student at the time, co-authored four studies about the sensory characteristics of diet beverages which were recently published in the Journal of Food Science.
Halo and Horns Effects
Enjoying food is complex, involving not only taste and mouth-feel, but also aroma, vision and hearing.
"If you bite into an apple and it doesn't crunch, it affects your perception of the way the apple tastes," Lee said. "And if a beverage doesn't feel right in your mouth, that affects your perception of the way the beverage tastes too."
If a food attribute enhances the flavor "sense" that humans have of something eaten, sensory scientists call that a "halo effect." If the attribute diminishes the flavor sense, scientists say it has a horns effect.
When color was added to lemon-lime beverages, panelists believed that the beverage had more body, meaning the color conferred a halo effect. But the color also led tasters to think the beverage had less carbonation, which it did not, meaning the color also conferred a horns effect, Lee said.
"We think the lemon-lime flavor, which is exciting to the mouth, helps mask the mouth-feel difference, and that's why diet lemon-lime drinks were perceived as tasting more like their non-diet counterpoint than cola-flavored drinks," Lee said.
"It's probably also the reason the new lime diet colas are so popular," Lee said. "The sour taste of the lime works with the carbonation to keep the mouth busy so the consumer doesn't notice the lack of body as much."
Seeking a New Ingredient
Eventually, the scientists would like to find an ingredient that gives body to diet soft drinks without adding calories or other unpleasant side effects.
"We need to find an ingredient that has no calories but gives the same mouth-feel as sucrose," Lee said.
This ingredient would make diet drinks more appealing. "If we could make diet soda taste better, it would be a big step in fighting the obesity epidemic," Schmidt said. "Many people know they should cut calories, but they won't drink diet pop because they don't like the taste." [It took a scientist to figure that out?]
[Humor[ Living Dangerously
GET BACK
Velma was taking the tour of a national park not long ago.
The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils
had been found in the area. Velma exclaimed, "Wow -- I can't believe the dinosaurs
would come this close to the highway!"
Velma was taking the tour of a national park not long ago.
The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils
had been found in the area. Velma exclaimed, "Wow -- I can't believe the dinosaurs
would come this close to the highway!"
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