Sunday, December 30, 2007
[Spirited] This Call's For You
CELL PHONE vs. BIBLE I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phones? What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets? What if we flipped through it several times a day? What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it? What if we used it to receive messages from the text? What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it? What if we gave them to kids as gifts? What if we used it when we traveled? What if we used it in case of emergency? This is something to make you go . . . hmm . . . where is my Bible? Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill. Makes you stop a nd think, 'Where are my priorities?' -And no dropped calls! PS - DO WHAT YOU THINK GOD WOULD WANT YOU TO DO WITH THIS MESSAGE?
[Interest] Finger Food For Thought
The History of the Middle Finger
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.
[Spirited] The Other Side
A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side." Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know." "You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness. Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing...
I know my Master is there and that is enough."
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness. Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing...
I know my Master is there and that is enough."
[Adult] I Do, I Do
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not." (DARN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniv ersary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!" (HE ASKED FOR IT!) ***************************************** Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?" She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not." (DARN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniv ersary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!" (HE ASKED FOR IT!) ***************************************** Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?" She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
[Spirited] Hold My Hand
GRANDMA'S HANDS
Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," she said in a clear strong voice. "I didn't mean to disturb you, Grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK," I explained to her. "Have you ever looked at your hands?" she asked. "I mean really looked at your hands?" I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making. Grandma smiled and related the following story: "Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. "These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. "They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war. They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. "They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. "They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse. They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. "They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. "These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life. But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ." I will never look at my hands the same again. God reached out and took my grandma's hands and led her home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband I think of Grandma. I know she has been held by the hands of God. And I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my face.
Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," she said in a clear strong voice. "I didn't mean to disturb you, Grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK," I explained to her. "Have you ever looked at your hands?" she asked. "I mean really looked at your hands?" I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making. Grandma smiled and related the following story: "Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. "These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. "They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war. They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. "They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. "They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse. They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. "They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. "These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life. But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ." I will never look at my hands the same again. God reached out and took my grandma's hands and led her home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband I think of Grandma. I know she has been held by the hands of God. And I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my face.
[Humor] Jailhouse Rock
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him. After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him. Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?' Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.' 'Jail?' cried Sam. 'You?! What on earth for?' 'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yes,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?' 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.' 'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
[Interest] All The Poop
I'm sure all parents can relate to this.Those who don't have kids,but plan to, this is what you're in for.And those of you with babies.....don't let them grow too fast.LOL 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall. By Shannon Popkin My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned- 3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco. Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall: 'Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on DA toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?' At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity. Cade continued, 'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh ... Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy! I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!' 'No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!' He started to gag at this point. 'Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!' As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be Reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone. 'Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!' He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. 'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under DA door? What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?' More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation. 'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.' He started pounding on the door. 'Mommy,don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!' I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, 'Where's the fine print on the motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?' But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow. (Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan, where she no longer uses public restrooms)
[Humor] Fight Club
From The Onion web site
**********
Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons
WASHINGTON, DC——Autumn, which had been slotted between summer and winter, will be replaced by stifling humidity, constant sunshine, and little precipitation. Study Finds Working At Work Improves Productivity WASHINGTON, DC——The groundbreaking research found that by simply sitting down and doing work, employees can dramatically increase their output of goods and services.
****************
Child On White House Tour Momentarily Seizes Control Of Nation
WASHINGTON, DC ——Myers spent much of his reign, which lasted from approximately 2:00 p.m. to 2:15 p.m., spinning in circles in the president's chair. Gerbil Growing Distant TEMPE, AZ ——"Lately it's almost as if he cares more about burrowing in his wood chips than he does about me," owner Doug Kerlin said.
Pool Cues Go Unused In Disappointing Bar Fight
SIOUX CITY, IA——Patrons of the Clover Leaf Tavern expressed dismay Saturday after a fight between Jeffrey Kline, 32, and James Dougherty, 30, ended without either participant breaking one of the establishment's numerous pool cues over the other's head.
"The whole thing was a big letdown," bartender Kurt Neelan said of the anticlimactic brawl, during which not one person present was thrown through a table or plate glass window, nor threatened with a beer bottle broken on the edge of the bar. "It was all over in about 30 seconds. The least you'd expect is for someone to get slid head-first down the length of the entire bar, or have their face rammed through the jukebox, prompting a wild honky-tonk song."
Witnesses were further dissatisfied later that evening when patron Carl Hume's car failed to explode after an inebriated Hume overturned the vehicle in an attempt to jump a curb in the bar's parking lot.
**********
Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons
WASHINGTON, DC——Autumn, which had been slotted between summer and winter, will be replaced by stifling humidity, constant sunshine, and little precipitation. Study Finds Working At Work Improves Productivity WASHINGTON, DC——The groundbreaking research found that by simply sitting down and doing work, employees can dramatically increase their output of goods and services.
****************
Child On White House Tour Momentarily Seizes Control Of Nation
WASHINGTON, DC ——Myers spent much of his reign, which lasted from approximately 2:00 p.m. to 2:15 p.m., spinning in circles in the president's chair. Gerbil Growing Distant TEMPE, AZ ——"Lately it's almost as if he cares more about burrowing in his wood chips than he does about me," owner Doug Kerlin said.
Pool Cues Go Unused In Disappointing Bar Fight
SIOUX CITY, IA——Patrons of the Clover Leaf Tavern expressed dismay Saturday after a fight between Jeffrey Kline, 32, and James Dougherty, 30, ended without either participant breaking one of the establishment's numerous pool cues over the other's head.
"The whole thing was a big letdown," bartender Kurt Neelan said of the anticlimactic brawl, during which not one person present was thrown through a table or plate glass window, nor threatened with a beer bottle broken on the edge of the bar. "It was all over in about 30 seconds. The least you'd expect is for someone to get slid head-first down the length of the entire bar, or have their face rammed through the jukebox, prompting a wild honky-tonk song."
Witnesses were further dissatisfied later that evening when patron Carl Hume's car failed to explode after an inebriated Hume overturned the vehicle in an attempt to jump a curb in the bar's parking lot.
[Humor] Bad Call
Hello and thank you for calling Fulton County Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons , you'll just mess it up. This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. Well, my job is done .....Your turn
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons , you'll just mess it up. This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. Well, my job is done .....Your turn
[Adult] Hot Stuff
HELL E XPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT The follo wing is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. < /DIV> The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN "A"
[Interest] Old News
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.Old Age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day.
[Interest] Proper English
English is really crazy
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
[Spirited] Love Letter
A Letter from God to His Children
(from an anonymous source)
Dear children,
It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't actually born during this time of the year and that it was some of you're predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually a time of pagan festival. Although I do appreciate being remembered anytime.
How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth just, GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Now, having said that let Me go on.
If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.
Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can and may remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgot that one, look up John 15:1-8.
If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it.
1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.
2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.
3. Instead of writing George complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up. It will be nice hearing from you again.
4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.
5. Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.
6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile it could make the difference. Also, you might consider supporting the local Hot-Line: they talk with people like that every day.
7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families.
8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary, especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name. You may already know someone like that.
9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them (and I suspect you don't) buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Marines, the Salvation Army or some other charity that believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.
10. Finally if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.
GOD
P.S. – Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a blessed Christmas with all those whom you love and remember, I LOVE YOU.
(from an anonymous source)
Dear children,
It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't actually born during this time of the year and that it was some of you're predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually a time of pagan festival. Although I do appreciate being remembered anytime.
How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth just, GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Now, having said that let Me go on.
If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.
Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can and may remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgot that one, look up John 15:1-8.
If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it.
1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.
2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.
3. Instead of writing George complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up. It will be nice hearing from you again.
4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.
5. Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.
6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile it could make the difference. Also, you might consider supporting the local Hot-Line: they talk with people like that every day.
7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families.
8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary, especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name. You may already know someone like that.
9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them (and I suspect you don't) buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Marines, the Salvation Army or some other charity that believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.
10. Finally if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.
GOD
P.S. – Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a blessed Christmas with all those whom you love and remember, I LOVE YOU.
[Humor] I'm (Almost) Lovin' It
FROM 'THE ONION" WEB SITE:
'Not Quite Perfect' McDonald's Opens In Illinois Outlet Mall Issue 41•19
GURNEE, IL—Hungry shoppers at the Gurnee Mills outlet mall can now get a name-brand lunch at a bargain-basement price, thanks to the Monday opening of McDonald's first "Not Quite Perfect" outlet store, offering imperfect and irregular items from the fast-food giant's menu.
"It's true that consistency is part of what makes McDonald's the leader in the fast-food industry, but so is good value," said Brian Landers, manager of the McDonald's outlet. "When customers see the low, low prices, they're more than willing to give our Six-Piece Quarter Pounders and Fish McGriddles a try. The food's a little different at this McDonald's, but it's really very close."
Continued Landers: "Now, who's ready for factory seconds?!"
Located next to a Levi's outlet store offering mis-stitched and off-season apparel, the McDonald's outlet will be the destination for all products that do not meet the strict requirements of the restaurant's 30,000 regular stores worldwide.
"McDonald's prides itself on having exacting standards for its products," Landers said. "But throwing away all-carrot Salad Shakers, parallelogram-shaped hash browns, and McRibNuggets seemed so wasteful. With more of our customers struggling to make ends meet, we knew people would appreciate the opportunity to buy these slightly irregular products at irresistibly low prices."
In addition to factory mistakes, the outlet will offer items that were tested in limited markets but never received a wide release.
"We had a warehouse full of meat patties made in the shape of our golden-arch logo," Landers said. "A young, quickly fired executive thought it would be a good idea to make an 'M'-shaped burger, but it was expensive to produce, and depending where you took a bite, you had a very good chance of getting no beef. Plus, who's going to open up a burger just to look at the oddly shaped meat patty? Now, we're thawing them out and serving them up for only 30 cents apiece."
Landers said that, while a number of customers have been wary, the prices are so astounding that "people always come back for more."
"I've seen more than one person approach our firm-serve cones with skepticism," Landers said. "But at 20 cents each, we can hardly keep them in stock."
Landers added, "Once they get over the mental block after eating a flash-frozen pyramid of vanilla ice cream, customers realize they just can't beat these prices."
The outlet store, at 32,000 square feet, is the largest McDonald's in the world. In addition to serving irregular meal items, the outlet store houses irregular McDonald's decor.
A $1.99 value meal available at the "Not Quite Perfect" McDonald's."These aren't the traditional McDonald's color schemes," Landers said, gesturing to chairs and tables in puce, mottled gray, and army green. "And while some customers make comments about our posters—a printer placed a black child's head on top of a white, elderly cashier's body—well, I think they look very nice once you get used to them."
The outlet also features a shop that sells irregular McDonald's products like boxes of frozen foot-long fries and bags of unsweetened orange-drink syrup.
"The bulk-foods section of the shop hasn't caught on as well as we'd hoped," Landers said. "We think that may be in part a question of functionality. Our 10-gallon buckets of McRib sauce, for example, are reasonably priced, but most people don't have condiment pumps at home. Of course, even those who do are sometimes disappointed to find relish inside."
The outlet's PlayPlace features not-quite-perfect McDonaldland icons.
"Parents worry about our ball pit, but those triangular balls meet Illinois minimum-safety requirements," Landers said. "What we've really gotten complaints about are the statues of the McDonaldland characters. Ronald McDonald's eyes were put in wrong so he's looking in two different directions, our Grimace is pink, and for some reason, the Hamburglar has no teeth."
In spite of the few complaints, most outlet patrons say the bargain prices are well worth enduring the irregular food.
"It's not like the meat's tainted," said Mack Vesper, a longtime McDonald's customer. "A Quarter Pounder on a half-size seedless bun tastes just as good. And, while the gray Shamrock Shake took some getting used to, once you realize that you're getting all the flavor at an eighth of the price, you adapt. Besides, who looks at the color of the shake once you start drinking it?"
Some customers said the "Not Quite Perfect" McDonald's is not for them.
"I'll never take my children there again," said Anita Sibakis, mother of three. "They opened up the Happy Meal and there were headless Mulan figurines in there. It scared the bejesus out my youngest."
'Not Quite Perfect' McDonald's Opens In Illinois Outlet Mall Issue 41•19
GURNEE, IL—Hungry shoppers at the Gurnee Mills outlet mall can now get a name-brand lunch at a bargain-basement price, thanks to the Monday opening of McDonald's first "Not Quite Perfect" outlet store, offering imperfect and irregular items from the fast-food giant's menu.
"It's true that consistency is part of what makes McDonald's the leader in the fast-food industry, but so is good value," said Brian Landers, manager of the McDonald's outlet. "When customers see the low, low prices, they're more than willing to give our Six-Piece Quarter Pounders and Fish McGriddles a try. The food's a little different at this McDonald's, but it's really very close."
Continued Landers: "Now, who's ready for factory seconds?!"
Located next to a Levi's outlet store offering mis-stitched and off-season apparel, the McDonald's outlet will be the destination for all products that do not meet the strict requirements of the restaurant's 30,000 regular stores worldwide.
"McDonald's prides itself on having exacting standards for its products," Landers said. "But throwing away all-carrot Salad Shakers, parallelogram-shaped hash browns, and McRibNuggets seemed so wasteful. With more of our customers struggling to make ends meet, we knew people would appreciate the opportunity to buy these slightly irregular products at irresistibly low prices."
In addition to factory mistakes, the outlet will offer items that were tested in limited markets but never received a wide release.
"We had a warehouse full of meat patties made in the shape of our golden-arch logo," Landers said. "A young, quickly fired executive thought it would be a good idea to make an 'M'-shaped burger, but it was expensive to produce, and depending where you took a bite, you had a very good chance of getting no beef. Plus, who's going to open up a burger just to look at the oddly shaped meat patty? Now, we're thawing them out and serving them up for only 30 cents apiece."
Landers said that, while a number of customers have been wary, the prices are so astounding that "people always come back for more."
"I've seen more than one person approach our firm-serve cones with skepticism," Landers said. "But at 20 cents each, we can hardly keep them in stock."
Landers added, "Once they get over the mental block after eating a flash-frozen pyramid of vanilla ice cream, customers realize they just can't beat these prices."
The outlet store, at 32,000 square feet, is the largest McDonald's in the world. In addition to serving irregular meal items, the outlet store houses irregular McDonald's decor.
A $1.99 value meal available at the "Not Quite Perfect" McDonald's."These aren't the traditional McDonald's color schemes," Landers said, gesturing to chairs and tables in puce, mottled gray, and army green. "And while some customers make comments about our posters—a printer placed a black child's head on top of a white, elderly cashier's body—well, I think they look very nice once you get used to them."
The outlet also features a shop that sells irregular McDonald's products like boxes of frozen foot-long fries and bags of unsweetened orange-drink syrup.
"The bulk-foods section of the shop hasn't caught on as well as we'd hoped," Landers said. "We think that may be in part a question of functionality. Our 10-gallon buckets of McRib sauce, for example, are reasonably priced, but most people don't have condiment pumps at home. Of course, even those who do are sometimes disappointed to find relish inside."
The outlet's PlayPlace features not-quite-perfect McDonaldland icons.
"Parents worry about our ball pit, but those triangular balls meet Illinois minimum-safety requirements," Landers said. "What we've really gotten complaints about are the statues of the McDonaldland characters. Ronald McDonald's eyes were put in wrong so he's looking in two different directions, our Grimace is pink, and for some reason, the Hamburglar has no teeth."
In spite of the few complaints, most outlet patrons say the bargain prices are well worth enduring the irregular food.
"It's not like the meat's tainted," said Mack Vesper, a longtime McDonald's customer. "A Quarter Pounder on a half-size seedless bun tastes just as good. And, while the gray Shamrock Shake took some getting used to, once you realize that you're getting all the flavor at an eighth of the price, you adapt. Besides, who looks at the color of the shake once you start drinking it?"
Some customers said the "Not Quite Perfect" McDonald's is not for them.
"I'll never take my children there again," said Anita Sibakis, mother of three. "They opened up the Happy Meal and there were headless Mulan figurines in there. It scared the bejesus out my youngest."
[Spirited] Faith Takes A Holiday
In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, 'Case dismissed!'I don't know if this is true, but it sure is a great example to follow!
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and *Now get out of my Courtroom.*
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and *Now get out of my Courtroom.*
[Humor] It's The Law
Murphy's Laws Of Computers
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
[Adult] War Games
New Direction for the war on terrorists. "Send Prior Service Vets over 60 "I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some a**hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b***h.If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night. Share this with your senior friends.It's purposely in big type so you can read it.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some a**hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b***h.If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night. Share this with your senior friends.It's purposely in big type so you can read it.
[Interest] Hard At (Word) Play
NEW WORDS FOR 2007: Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere) 1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. 3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. 5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. 8. SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. 9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. 12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. 13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. 14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message '404 Not Found,' meaning that the requested site could not be located.16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions. 17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an e-mail by mistake.) 18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks. 19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while walking through a Cube Farm.
[Adult] For Real
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks. Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes. There is no fast food. Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money. In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week. Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time. Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment . He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation). He must also make cookies or cupcakes f or a social function. Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times. The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing. During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse. They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting. He will need to read a book to the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes. A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite colour, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up. They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. And then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better. They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, 'You're not the boss of me'. The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. After you get done laughing, send this to as many of your female friends as you think will get a kick out of it, and give them something to smile about. Remember, the gift of laughter is a gift that keeps on giving!
[Interest] Ye Olde Christmas Tyme
SENIOR CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas
at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to th e old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we were so deaf that it just didn't matter.
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best.
~Author Unknown ~
'Twas the night before Christmas
at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to th e old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we were so deaf that it just didn't matter.
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best.
~Author Unknown ~
[Interest] And A Happy New Year
~*~ YOUR CONTRACT ~*~
After serious & cautious consideration.....
your contract of friendship
has been renewed for the New Year 2008! It was a very hard decision to make.
So try not to screw it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2008 May peace break into your house
and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans
become a magnet of $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline
and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success
like smoking tires
and may happiness slap you across the face
and may your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had
forget your home address!
In simple words ............ May 2008 be the best year of your life!!!
After serious & cautious consideration.....
your contract of friendship
has been renewed for the New Year 2008! It was a very hard decision to make.
So try not to screw it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2008 May peace break into your house
and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans
become a magnet of $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline
and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success
like smoking tires
and may happiness slap you across the face
and may your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had
forget your home address!
In simple words ............ May 2008 be the best year of your life!!!
[Spirited] A New Wrinkle
THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT
My husband and I had been happily Married (most of the time)For five yearsBut hadn't been blessed with a baby.
I decided to do some seriousPraying and promised GodThat if he would give us a child,I would be a perfect mother, Love it with all my heartAnd raise it with His wordAs my guide.
God answered my prayersAnd blessed us with a son.
The next year God blessed usWith another son.
The following year,He blessed us with Yet another son.
The year after that weWere blessed with a daughter.
My husband thought we'dBeen blessed right into poverty.We now had four children,And the oldest was onlyFour years old.
I learned never to ask GodFor anything unless I meant it.As a minister once told me,'If you pray for rain,Make sure you carry an umbrella.'
I began reading a few versesOf the Bible to the children Each day as they lay in their cribs.
I was off to a good start.God had entrusted meWith four children andI didn't want to disappoint Him.
I tried to be patient the dayThe children smashed Two dozen eggs onThe kitchen floor searchingFor baby chicks.
I tried to be understanding...
When they started a hotel forHomeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me
Nearly two hoursTo catch all twenty-three frogs .
When my daughter pouredKetchup all over herself and Rolled up in a blanket to seeHow it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humorRather than the mess.
In spite of changing overTwenty-five thousand diapers,Never eating a hot meal And never sleeping for moreThan thirty minutes at a time,I still thank God daily for my children.
While I couldn't keep my promiseTo be a perfect mother -I didn't even come close...I did keep my promiseTo raise them in the Word of God.
I knew I was missing the markJust a little when I told My daughter we were goingTo church to worship God,And she wanted to bringA bar of soap along to'wash up' Jesus, too.
Something was lostIn the translation whenI explained thatGod gave us everlasting life,And my son thought it wasGenerous of God to giveUs his 'last wife.'
My proudest moment cameDuring the children'sChristmas pageant.
My daughter was playing Mary, Two of my sons were shepherdsAnd my youngest son was a wise man.This was their moment to shine.
My five-year-old shepherdHad practiced his line,'We found the babe wrappedIn swaddling clothes.'
But he was nervous and said,'The baby was wrappedIn wrinkled clothes.'
My four-year-old 'Mary' said,'That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly.
That's dirty, rotten clothes.'
A wrestling match broke outBetween Mary and the shepherdAnd was stopped by an angel,Who bent her halo and lost Her left wing.
I slouched a little lowerIn my seat when MaryDropped the doll representingBaby Jesus, and it bouncedDown the aisle crying, 'Mama-mama.'
Mary grabbed the doll,Wrapped it back upAnd held it tightly asThe wise men arrived.
My other son stepped forwardWearing a bathrobe And a paper crown,Knelt at the manger And announced,'We are the three wise men,And we are bringing giftsOf gold, Common sense And fur.'
The congregationDissolved into laughter,And the pageantGot a standing ovation.
'I've never enjoyed a Christmas Program as much as this one,'Laughed the pastor, Wiping tears from his eyes.
'For the rest of my life,I'll never hear theChristmas story withoutThinking of Gold, Common sense And fur.'
'My children are my pride And my joy and my greatestBlessing,' I said as I dugThrough my purse for an aspirin.
My husband and I had been happily Married (most of the time)For five yearsBut hadn't been blessed with a baby.
I decided to do some seriousPraying and promised GodThat if he would give us a child,I would be a perfect mother, Love it with all my heartAnd raise it with His wordAs my guide.
God answered my prayersAnd blessed us with a son.
The next year God blessed usWith another son.
The following year,He blessed us with Yet another son.
The year after that weWere blessed with a daughter.
My husband thought we'dBeen blessed right into poverty.We now had four children,And the oldest was onlyFour years old.
I learned never to ask GodFor anything unless I meant it.As a minister once told me,'If you pray for rain,Make sure you carry an umbrella.'
I began reading a few versesOf the Bible to the children Each day as they lay in their cribs.
I was off to a good start.God had entrusted meWith four children andI didn't want to disappoint Him.
I tried to be patient the dayThe children smashed Two dozen eggs onThe kitchen floor searchingFor baby chicks.
I tried to be understanding...
When they started a hotel forHomeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me
Nearly two hoursTo catch all twenty-three frogs .
When my daughter pouredKetchup all over herself and Rolled up in a blanket to seeHow it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humorRather than the mess.
In spite of changing overTwenty-five thousand diapers,Never eating a hot meal And never sleeping for moreThan thirty minutes at a time,I still thank God daily for my children.
While I couldn't keep my promiseTo be a perfect mother -I didn't even come close...I did keep my promiseTo raise them in the Word of God.
I knew I was missing the markJust a little when I told My daughter we were goingTo church to worship God,And she wanted to bringA bar of soap along to'wash up' Jesus, too.
Something was lostIn the translation whenI explained thatGod gave us everlasting life,And my son thought it wasGenerous of God to giveUs his 'last wife.'
My proudest moment cameDuring the children'sChristmas pageant.
My daughter was playing Mary, Two of my sons were shepherdsAnd my youngest son was a wise man.This was their moment to shine.
My five-year-old shepherdHad practiced his line,'We found the babe wrappedIn swaddling clothes.'
But he was nervous and said,'The baby was wrappedIn wrinkled clothes.'
My four-year-old 'Mary' said,'That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly.
That's dirty, rotten clothes.'
A wrestling match broke outBetween Mary and the shepherdAnd was stopped by an angel,Who bent her halo and lost Her left wing.
I slouched a little lowerIn my seat when MaryDropped the doll representingBaby Jesus, and it bouncedDown the aisle crying, 'Mama-mama.'
Mary grabbed the doll,Wrapped it back upAnd held it tightly asThe wise men arrived.
My other son stepped forwardWearing a bathrobe And a paper crown,Knelt at the manger And announced,'We are the three wise men,And we are bringing giftsOf gold, Common sense And fur.'
The congregationDissolved into laughter,And the pageantGot a standing ovation.
'I've never enjoyed a Christmas Program as much as this one,'Laughed the pastor, Wiping tears from his eyes.
'For the rest of my life,I'll never hear theChristmas story withoutThinking of Gold, Common sense And fur.'
'My children are my pride And my joy and my greatestBlessing,' I said as I dugThrough my purse for an aspirin.
[Interest] Time To Retire
And They Ask---Why I Like Retirement????
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. Question: What do you do all week?Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing Saturday & Sunday I rest. Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them! AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to!!
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. Question: What do you do all week?Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing Saturday & Sunday I rest. Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them! AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to!!
[Adult] It's A Guy Thing
Subject: Fw: Why men don't write advice columns.......
see following example from a Man (News Column Advisor)...
Dear Bob:I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving myhusband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than amile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to ahalt.I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn'tbelieve my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making madpassionate love to her.I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.When I confronted him, he tried to make it sound like he went into theback yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue and found herunconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed,and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him andkissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. Butwhen I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke downand admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job sixmonths ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed andworthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatumhe has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through tohim anymore. Can you please help?Sincerely,Mrs. Sheila U.Dear Sheila:A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by avariety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is nodebris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the Jubilee clips holdingthe vacuum hoses onto the intake manifold. If none of these approachessolves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.I hope this helps.Bob
see following example from a Man (News Column Advisor)...
Dear Bob:I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving myhusband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than amile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to ahalt.I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn'tbelieve my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making madpassionate love to her.I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.When I confronted him, he tried to make it sound like he went into theback yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue and found herunconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed,and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him andkissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. Butwhen I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke downand admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job sixmonths ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed andworthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatumhe has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through tohim anymore. Can you please help?Sincerely,Mrs. Sheila U.Dear Sheila:A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by avariety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is nodebris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the Jubilee clips holdingthe vacuum hoses onto the intake manifold. If none of these approachessolves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.I hope this helps.Bob
[Interest] You'd Better Watch Out
'Avoid Death' Is Named Wackiest LabelBy RON VAMPLE,APPosted: 2007-12-13 11:36:47
DETROIT (Dec. 13) - A warning on a small tractor that reads "Danger: Avoid Death" has been chosen as the nation's wackiest warning label by an anti-lawsuit group.
The Wacky Warning Label Contest, now in its 11th year, is conducted by Novi-based Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch as part of an effort to show the effects of lawsuits on warning labels.
Kevin Soave of Farmington Hills, a Detroit suburb, won the $500 grand prize for submitting the winning label.
The $250 second place was given to Carrianne, Jacob and Robby Turin of Greensburg, Pa., for a label they found on an iron-on T-shirt transfer that warns: "Do not iron while wearing shirt."
Richard Goodnow of Lancaster, Mass., earned the $100 third-place prize for a label on a baby stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: "Do not put child in bag."
Contest organizer Bob Dorigo Jones says the silly labels reflect how broken America's civil justice system is.
"Predatory lawyers know they can file ridiculous lawsuits against innocent product makers and blackmail them into a cash settlement - even in cases in which a user has ignored common sense," Dorigo Jones said.
Those who oppose the contest say that while some warning labels may seem silly, even dumb warnings can do good. They have a warning of their own: Don't be so quick to laugh at labels that help save lives.
Honorable mention went to Cyndi LaMonde of Traverse City for a label on a letter opener that says: "Caution: Safety goggles recommended."
Ann Marie Young of Fillmore, N.Y., took the second honorable mention for a warning she found which cautions users: "The Vanishing Fabric Marker should not be used as a writing instrument for signing checks or any legal documents."
The group selected a list of finalists and listeners of WOMC-FM's Dick Purtan show chose the winners.
On the Net:
http://www.wackywarnings.com/
DETROIT (Dec. 13) - A warning on a small tractor that reads "Danger: Avoid Death" has been chosen as the nation's wackiest warning label by an anti-lawsuit group.
The Wacky Warning Label Contest, now in its 11th year, is conducted by Novi-based Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch as part of an effort to show the effects of lawsuits on warning labels.
Kevin Soave of Farmington Hills, a Detroit suburb, won the $500 grand prize for submitting the winning label.
The $250 second place was given to Carrianne, Jacob and Robby Turin of Greensburg, Pa., for a label they found on an iron-on T-shirt transfer that warns: "Do not iron while wearing shirt."
Richard Goodnow of Lancaster, Mass., earned the $100 third-place prize for a label on a baby stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: "Do not put child in bag."
Contest organizer Bob Dorigo Jones says the silly labels reflect how broken America's civil justice system is.
"Predatory lawyers know they can file ridiculous lawsuits against innocent product makers and blackmail them into a cash settlement - even in cases in which a user has ignored common sense," Dorigo Jones said.
Those who oppose the contest say that while some warning labels may seem silly, even dumb warnings can do good. They have a warning of their own: Don't be so quick to laugh at labels that help save lives.
Honorable mention went to Cyndi LaMonde of Traverse City for a label on a letter opener that says: "Caution: Safety goggles recommended."
Ann Marie Young of Fillmore, N.Y., took the second honorable mention for a warning she found which cautions users: "The Vanishing Fabric Marker should not be used as a writing instrument for signing checks or any legal documents."
The group selected a list of finalists and listeners of WOMC-FM's Dick Purtan show chose the winners.
On the Net:
http://www.wackywarnings.com/
[Interest] Call Me Santa
IF I WERE SANTA
If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do;I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you,and deliver some things just inside your front door,things you have lost, but treasured before.I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,and to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.Then restore the old color tha t once graced your hair,before rinses and bleaches took residence there.I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted,so things now suspended need not be uplifted.I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your backuntil you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin,so you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spellsand you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes;no searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fannyfrom a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.
You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you takeand no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid.You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of cupid.I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistleand the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me;the matronliest of matrons you ever did see.I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,but I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot. Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere;Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.
If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do;I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you,and deliver some things just inside your front door,things you have lost, but treasured before.I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,and to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.Then restore the old color tha t once graced your hair,before rinses and bleaches took residence there.I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted,so things now suspended need not be uplifted.I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your backuntil you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin,so you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spellsand you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes;no searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fannyfrom a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.
You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you takeand no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid.You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of cupid.I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistleand the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me;the matronliest of matrons you ever did see.I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,but I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot. Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere;Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
[Humor] Get Lost
CHORUS LINE
A gambler was telling a friend
about his first junket to Las Vegas
and how hard it was to get any sleep.
"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning
by a drunk chorus girl banging on the door and screaming,"
he recalled.
"That's terrible," the friend said.
"How'd you ever get any sleep?"
"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door
and let her out," the gambler laughed.
A gambler was telling a friend
about his first junket to Las Vegas
and how hard it was to get any sleep.
"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning
by a drunk chorus girl banging on the door and screaming,"
he recalled.
"That's terrible," the friend said.
"How'd you ever get any sleep?"
"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door
and let her out," the gambler laughed.
[Interest] The Right Stuff
JOHN GLENN (on the Senate floor - January 26, 2004)
Some people still don't understand why military personnel
do what they do for a living. This exchange between
Senators John Glenn and Senator Howard Metzenbaum
is worth reading. Not only is it a pretty impressive
impromptu speech, but it's also a good example of one
man's explanation of why men and women in the armed
services do what they do for a living.
This IS a typical, though sad, example of what
some who have never served think of the military.
Senator Metzenbaum (speaking to Senator Glenn):
"How can you run for Senate when you've never held a real job?"
Senator Glenn (D-Ohio):
"I served 23 years in the United StatesMarine Corps.
I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions.
My plane was hit by anti-aircraft fire on 12 different
occasions. I was in the space program. It wasn't my
checkbook, Howard; it was my life on the line. It was
not a nine-to-five job, where I took time off to take the
daily cash receipts to the bank."
"I ask you to go with me . as I went the other day...
to a veteran's hospital and look those men ...
with their mangled bodies . in the eye, and tell THEM
they didn't hold a job!
You go with me to the Space Program at NASA
and go, as I have gone, to the widows and Orphans
of Ed White, Gus Grissom and Roger Chaffee...
and you look those kids in the eye and tell them
that their DADS didn't hold a job.
You go with me on Memorial Day and you stand in
Arlington National Cemetery , where I have more friends
buried than I'd like to remember, and you watch
those waving flags.
You stand there, and you think about this nation,
and you tell ME that those people didn't have a job?
What about you?"
For those who don't remember
During W.W.II, Howard Metzenbaum was an attorney
representing the Communist Party in the USA
Now he's a Senator!
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you are reading it in English thank a Veteran.
It might not be a bad idea to keep this circulating.
Some people still don't understand why military personnel
do what they do for a living. This exchange between
Senators John Glenn and Senator Howard Metzenbaum
is worth reading. Not only is it a pretty impressive
impromptu speech, but it's also a good example of one
man's explanation of why men and women in the armed
services do what they do for a living.
This IS a typical, though sad, example of what
some who have never served think of the military.
Senator Metzenbaum (speaking to Senator Glenn):
"How can you run for Senate when you've never held a real job?"
Senator Glenn (D-Ohio):
"I served 23 years in the United StatesMarine Corps.
I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions.
My plane was hit by anti-aircraft fire on 12 different
occasions. I was in the space program. It wasn't my
checkbook, Howard; it was my life on the line. It was
not a nine-to-five job, where I took time off to take the
daily cash receipts to the bank."
"I ask you to go with me . as I went the other day...
to a veteran's hospital and look those men ...
with their mangled bodies . in the eye, and tell THEM
they didn't hold a job!
You go with me to the Space Program at NASA
and go, as I have gone, to the widows and Orphans
of Ed White, Gus Grissom and Roger Chaffee...
and you look those kids in the eye and tell them
that their DADS didn't hold a job.
You go with me on Memorial Day and you stand in
Arlington National Cemetery , where I have more friends
buried than I'd like to remember, and you watch
those waving flags.
You stand there, and you think about this nation,
and you tell ME that those people didn't have a job?
What about you?"
For those who don't remember
During W.W.II, Howard Metzenbaum was an attorney
representing the Communist Party in the USA
Now he's a Senator!
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you are reading it in English thank a Veteran.
It might not be a bad idea to keep this circulating.
[Spirited] Control Tower
WAKE UP CALL
A man from Norfolk , VA called a local radio station to share this on September 11th, 2003. His Name was Robert Matthews. These are his words. "A few weeks before September 11th, my wife and I found out we were going to have our first child. She planned a trip out to California to visit her sister. On our way to the airport, we prayed that God would grant my wife a safe trip and be with her. Shortly after I said amen, we both heard a loud pop and the car shook violently. We had blown out a tire. I replaced the tire as quickly as I could, but we still missed her flight. Both very upset, we drove home.
I received a call from my father who was retired NYFD. He asked what my wife's flight number was, but I explained that we missed the flight. My father informed me that her flight was the one that crashed into the southern tower. I was too shocked to speak. My father also had more news for me. He was going to help. He said, "This is not something I can just sit by for. I have to do something."
I was concerned for his safety, of course, but more because he had never given his life to Christ. After a brief debate, I knew his mind was made up. Before he got off of the phone, he said, "Take good care of my grandchild." Those were the last words I ever heard my father say. He died while helping in the rescue effort. My joy that my prayer of safety for my wife had been answered quickly became anger. I was angry at God, at my father, and at myself. I had gone for nearly two years blaming God for taking my father away. My son would never know his grandfather, my father had never accepted Christ, and I never got to say goodbye. Then something happened.
About two months ago, I was sitting at home with my wife and my son, when there was a knock on the door. I looked at my wife, but I could tell she wasn't expecting anyone. I opened the door to a couple with a small child . The man looked at me and asked if my father's name was Jake Matthews. I told him it was. He quickly grabbed my hand and said, "I never got the chance to meet your father, but it is an honor to meet his son." He explained to me that his wife had worked in the World Trade Center and had been caught inside after the attack. She was pregnant and had been caught under debris. He then explained that my father had been the one to find his wife and free her.
My eyes welled up with tears as I thought of my father giving his life for people like this. He then said, "There is something else you need to know." His wife then told me that as my father worked to free her, she talked to him and led him to Christ. I began sobbing at the news. Now I know that when I get to Heaven, my father will be standing beside Jesus to welcome me, and that this family would be able to thank him themselves. When their baby boy was born, they named him Jacob Matthew in honor of the man who gave his life so that mother and baby could live.
This story should help us to realize two things. First that God is always in control. We may not see the reason behind things, and we may never know this side of Heaven, but God is ALWAYS in control! And second is that though it has been several years since the attacks, we should never let it become a mere tragic memory.
Please take time to share this amazing story with those you love. You may never know the impact it may have on someone.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
A man from Norfolk , VA called a local radio station to share this on September 11th, 2003. His Name was Robert Matthews. These are his words. "A few weeks before September 11th, my wife and I found out we were going to have our first child. She planned a trip out to California to visit her sister. On our way to the airport, we prayed that God would grant my wife a safe trip and be with her. Shortly after I said amen, we both heard a loud pop and the car shook violently. We had blown out a tire. I replaced the tire as quickly as I could, but we still missed her flight. Both very upset, we drove home.
I received a call from my father who was retired NYFD. He asked what my wife's flight number was, but I explained that we missed the flight. My father informed me that her flight was the one that crashed into the southern tower. I was too shocked to speak. My father also had more news for me. He was going to help. He said, "This is not something I can just sit by for. I have to do something."
I was concerned for his safety, of course, but more because he had never given his life to Christ. After a brief debate, I knew his mind was made up. Before he got off of the phone, he said, "Take good care of my grandchild." Those were the last words I ever heard my father say. He died while helping in the rescue effort. My joy that my prayer of safety for my wife had been answered quickly became anger. I was angry at God, at my father, and at myself. I had gone for nearly two years blaming God for taking my father away. My son would never know his grandfather, my father had never accepted Christ, and I never got to say goodbye. Then something happened.
About two months ago, I was sitting at home with my wife and my son, when there was a knock on the door. I looked at my wife, but I could tell she wasn't expecting anyone. I opened the door to a couple with a small child . The man looked at me and asked if my father's name was Jake Matthews. I told him it was. He quickly grabbed my hand and said, "I never got the chance to meet your father, but it is an honor to meet his son." He explained to me that his wife had worked in the World Trade Center and had been caught inside after the attack. She was pregnant and had been caught under debris. He then explained that my father had been the one to find his wife and free her.
My eyes welled up with tears as I thought of my father giving his life for people like this. He then said, "There is something else you need to know." His wife then told me that as my father worked to free her, she talked to him and led him to Christ. I began sobbing at the news. Now I know that when I get to Heaven, my father will be standing beside Jesus to welcome me, and that this family would be able to thank him themselves. When their baby boy was born, they named him Jacob Matthew in honor of the man who gave his life so that mother and baby could live.
This story should help us to realize two things. First that God is always in control. We may not see the reason behind things, and we may never know this side of Heaven, but God is ALWAYS in control! And second is that though it has been several years since the attacks, we should never let it become a mere tragic memory.
Please take time to share this amazing story with those you love. You may never know the impact it may have on someone.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
[Adult] Cook The Books
A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of > > > > > > ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got > > > the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper > > > would > > > not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. > > > > > > When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing > > > $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. > > > The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he > > > embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign >language, asks the > > > bookkeeper where the money is. The Bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know > > > what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He > > > says > > > he doesn't know what you' re talking about." The Godfather pulls out a > > > pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The > > > attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell > > > him!" > > > > > > The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown > > > briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in > > > Queens > > > The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney > > > replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." > > > > > > Don't you just love lawyers?
[Interest] Strange Days
Several years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Okla. town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on. As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies. If I want ed to k now anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.) Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned? my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to t ry it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing. I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger.. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave. More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name?.... We just call him, "TV." * *Note: This should be require d reading for every household in America !**
[Spirited] Get Me To The Church On Time
NO EXCUSES SUNDAY
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special ""No Excuse Sunday"".
•• Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, ""Sunday is my only day to sleep in.""
•• There will be a special section with lounge chairs who feel that our pews are too hard.
•• Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching T.V. late Saturday night.
•• We will have steel helmets for those who say "" The roof would cave in if I ever came to church.""
•• Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
•• Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
•• Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can’’t go to church and cook dinner, too.
•• We will distribute ""Stamp Out Stewardship"" buttons for those who feel that church is always asking for money.
•• One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
•• Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
•• The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
•• We will provide hearing aids for those who can’’t hear the preacher and cotton for those who say he is too loud.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
GOOD NEWS
What would happen if Biblical events were being covered by today’’s media? Let’’s take a look...
On Red Sea crossing: WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob
On David vs. Goliath:HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon
On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack
On the birth of Christ: HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000: LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD’’s LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers: QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure
On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes: MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs
On raising Lazarus from the dead: ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special ""No Excuse Sunday"".
•• Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, ""Sunday is my only day to sleep in.""
•• There will be a special section with lounge chairs who feel that our pews are too hard.
•• Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching T.V. late Saturday night.
•• We will have steel helmets for those who say "" The roof would cave in if I ever came to church.""
•• Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
•• Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
•• Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can’’t go to church and cook dinner, too.
•• We will distribute ""Stamp Out Stewardship"" buttons for those who feel that church is always asking for money.
•• One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
•• Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
•• The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
•• We will provide hearing aids for those who can’’t hear the preacher and cotton for those who say he is too loud.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
GOOD NEWS
What would happen if Biblical events were being covered by today’’s media? Let’’s take a look...
On Red Sea crossing: WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob
On David vs. Goliath:HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon
On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack
On the birth of Christ: HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000: LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD’’s LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers: QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure
On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes: MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs
On raising Lazarus from the dead: ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs
[Humor] On The Money
EASY COME, EASY GO
Charlie walks into Smitty's tavern and is frantically searching all over the bar.
"Hey," says Smitty, "what's going on?"
"I lost my wallet," says Charlie.
"So you're looking for your wallet."
"No" says Charlie. "My buddy Fred found my wallet."
"Great," says Smitty, "so what are you looking for now?"
"FRED!"
Charlie walks into Smitty's tavern and is frantically searching all over the bar.
"Hey," says Smitty, "what's going on?"
"I lost my wallet," says Charlie.
"So you're looking for your wallet."
"No" says Charlie. "My buddy Fred found my wallet."
"Great," says Smitty, "so what are you looking for now?"
"FRED!"
[Interest] Vista Vision
Would you like to make this your default mailing list? by Joe Lavin
I am now on the cutting edge of technology. You see, I am now a proud user of Windows 98, which is sort of like Windows 95 except that Windows 98 contains remarkable enhancements and new technological advancements which for some reason allow Internet Explorer to start up approximately every three times you move your mouse.
Make no mistake about it. Microsoft's whole web integration ploy in Windows 98 is merely a not so subtle strategy to bury Netscape into the ground. Then again, subtlety has never been Microsoft's strong suit.
You have attempted to play solitaire. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"Hey, wait, what happened to the 'No' button?"
Not that I have anything against Internet Explorer. It's a fine program, and when I immediately used it to download Netscape Communicator, I must admit that it performed more than adequately. I probably wouldn't even mind it so much if it just kept to itself, but in Windows 98 Internet Explorer is the most extroverted computer program I have ever come across. No matter what you do, it's always popping up and calling attention to itself.
You have attempted to go to the kitchen to make a sandwich. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"No, stop it."
Well, we've made it your default browser anyway. Is that OK?
Yes Yes
"No, look, I'm warning you. I don't want it."
We have incriminating pictures of you from your trip to Mexico last year. It'd sure be a shame if those were accidentally e-mailed to all your friends and family. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
Well, Microsoft certainly knows how to play hardball. Nevertheless, I'm sure I'll get used to Windows 98, and what I've seen so far is quite impressive. On day one, I even ran the special guided tour in which some announcer guy who was apparently sitting inside my computer showed me all the exciting features of Windows 98.
And there are lots of features. For example, my machine comes with something called "On Now." The announcer guy informed me that "On Now machines can do work even when they appear to be off." I guess this is progress, but personally I'm a bit worried about my computer doing work when it appears to be off. How will I know when it's off and when it's actually doing work? Call me paranoid, but I always get nervous when my computer starts doing more work than I do.
What are you doing, Joe?
"Um, I just want to check my e-mail for a sec."
Not now, Joe, I'm currently breaking into the Department of Defense's nuclear arsenal. OK?
"Wow! It appeared that you were off."
Yes, I know.
"Ah, could I at least play a quick game of solitaire or something?"
No.
And there are more features. The announcer next told me about Scan Disk which will automatically check to see if everything's okay whenever my computer has been shut down improperly. As the announcer happily exclaimed, "It's a lot like having a specialist sitting right inside your computer," which is sort of comforting, I thought, because then at least the announcer in there will have some company.
Next, I stumbled upon something called MS Wallet. I wish I could tell you what this is, but I don't actually know. I was too afraid to open it. After all, I'm always careful about opening any wallets whenever Bill Gates is around. I've already given him enough money over the years. I don't want to take any more chances. I'm sure you understand.
At any rate, I shouldn't sound so grumpy. I am having a great time playing with my new computer. It came last week, and aside from actually having to go to work so that I can pay for the thing I've barely been out of my apartment since it arrived.
"Look, Joe, it's the sun."
"Oooh, could you turn it down? I don't like the resolution on that. I'm going back inside to play with my new computer."
Well, don't worry. I'm sure I'll be leaving my apartment in a few days, but in conclusion I would just like to say that -
You seem to be writing your conclusion. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"Hey, stop it. I'm trying to write my conclusion here. Do you mind?"
Sure would be a shame if something unfortunate happened to your column now that you've almost finished it and just want to go to sleep. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"Okay, okay, I give up! Just leave me alone."
I suppose I should know better than to try to fight Microsoft, huh?
I am now on the cutting edge of technology. You see, I am now a proud user of Windows 98, which is sort of like Windows 95 except that Windows 98 contains remarkable enhancements and new technological advancements which for some reason allow Internet Explorer to start up approximately every three times you move your mouse.
Make no mistake about it. Microsoft's whole web integration ploy in Windows 98 is merely a not so subtle strategy to bury Netscape into the ground. Then again, subtlety has never been Microsoft's strong suit.
You have attempted to play solitaire. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"Hey, wait, what happened to the 'No' button?"
Not that I have anything against Internet Explorer. It's a fine program, and when I immediately used it to download Netscape Communicator, I must admit that it performed more than adequately. I probably wouldn't even mind it so much if it just kept to itself, but in Windows 98 Internet Explorer is the most extroverted computer program I have ever come across. No matter what you do, it's always popping up and calling attention to itself.
You have attempted to go to the kitchen to make a sandwich. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"No, stop it."
Well, we've made it your default browser anyway. Is that OK?
Yes Yes
"No, look, I'm warning you. I don't want it."
We have incriminating pictures of you from your trip to Mexico last year. It'd sure be a shame if those were accidentally e-mailed to all your friends and family. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
Well, Microsoft certainly knows how to play hardball. Nevertheless, I'm sure I'll get used to Windows 98, and what I've seen so far is quite impressive. On day one, I even ran the special guided tour in which some announcer guy who was apparently sitting inside my computer showed me all the exciting features of Windows 98.
And there are lots of features. For example, my machine comes with something called "On Now." The announcer guy informed me that "On Now machines can do work even when they appear to be off." I guess this is progress, but personally I'm a bit worried about my computer doing work when it appears to be off. How will I know when it's off and when it's actually doing work? Call me paranoid, but I always get nervous when my computer starts doing more work than I do.
What are you doing, Joe?
"Um, I just want to check my e-mail for a sec."
Not now, Joe, I'm currently breaking into the Department of Defense's nuclear arsenal. OK?
"Wow! It appeared that you were off."
Yes, I know.
"Ah, could I at least play a quick game of solitaire or something?"
No.
And there are more features. The announcer next told me about Scan Disk which will automatically check to see if everything's okay whenever my computer has been shut down improperly. As the announcer happily exclaimed, "It's a lot like having a specialist sitting right inside your computer," which is sort of comforting, I thought, because then at least the announcer in there will have some company.
Next, I stumbled upon something called MS Wallet. I wish I could tell you what this is, but I don't actually know. I was too afraid to open it. After all, I'm always careful about opening any wallets whenever Bill Gates is around. I've already given him enough money over the years. I don't want to take any more chances. I'm sure you understand.
At any rate, I shouldn't sound so grumpy. I am having a great time playing with my new computer. It came last week, and aside from actually having to go to work so that I can pay for the thing I've barely been out of my apartment since it arrived.
"Look, Joe, it's the sun."
"Oooh, could you turn it down? I don't like the resolution on that. I'm going back inside to play with my new computer."
Well, don't worry. I'm sure I'll be leaving my apartment in a few days, but in conclusion I would just like to say that -
You seem to be writing your conclusion. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"Hey, stop it. I'm trying to write my conclusion here. Do you mind?"
Sure would be a shame if something unfortunate happened to your column now that you've almost finished it and just want to go to sleep. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"Okay, okay, I give up! Just leave me alone."
I suppose I should know better than to try to fight Microsoft, huh?
Thursday, October 4, 2007
[Interest] Number Crunching
Beauty of Math!
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
987654321 x 9 + 1 = 8888888888
9876543210 x 9 + 2 = 88888888888
Brilliant, isn't it?
And look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
987654321 x 9 + 1 = 8888888888
9876543210 x 9 + 2 = 88888888888
Brilliant, isn't it?
And look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
[Interest] Be Wise
WORDS OF WISDOM
Having a sharp tongue can cut my own throat.
If I want my dreams to come true, I mustn't oversleep.
Of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important.
The best vitamin for making friends....B1.
The happiness of my life depends on the quality of my thoughts.
The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge. [Amen!]
One thing I can give and still keep...is my word.
I lie the loudest when I lie to myself. If I lack the courage to start, I have already finished.
One thing I can't recycle is wasted time. [Amen, Amen!]
Ideas won't work unless 'I' do.
My mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.
The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.
The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what I might have been. [Thank God!]
Have a lovely day!!!!
Having a sharp tongue can cut my own throat.
If I want my dreams to come true, I mustn't oversleep.
Of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important.
The best vitamin for making friends....B1.
The happiness of my life depends on the quality of my thoughts.
The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge. [Amen!]
One thing I can give and still keep...is my word.
I lie the loudest when I lie to myself. If I lack the courage to start, I have already finished.
One thing I can't recycle is wasted time. [Amen, Amen!]
Ideas won't work unless 'I' do.
My mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.
The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.
The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what I might have been. [Thank God!]
Have a lovely day!!!!
[Humor] Watermelon Man
NECTAR OF THE GODS
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
Thursday, September 27, 2007
[Adult] A Little Night Music
TURKEY TROT
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE... THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT THE MATTER WAS. HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU". "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE. "WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED." BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE... THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT THE MATTER WAS. HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU". "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE. "WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED." BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."
[Humor] Home On The Range
WILD WEST
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excelspreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.''That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the cowboy.He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amusedas the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?''You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government,' says the cowboy.'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?''No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows . . . this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excelspreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.''That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the cowboy.He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amusedas the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?''You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government,' says the cowboy.'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?''No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows . . . this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'
[Adult] How Dry I Am
Subject: Public service announcement
Wine vs. waterTo my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't. To paraphrase Ben Franklin, "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
Wine vs. waterTo my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't. To paraphrase Ben Franklin, "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
[Interest] New and Improved (NOT)
NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION
This is probably the best e-mail I've seen in a long, long time. The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President one day...
"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. (This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (Lastly....)
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!
This is probably the best e-mail I've seen in a long, long time. The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President one day...
"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. (This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (Lastly....)
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!
[Interest] Think Green
you know you're Irish when...
(Written by an Irish lad, so I can relate to a lot of these! LOL. Enjoy....)You will never play professional basketball You swear very well At least one of your cousins holds political office You think you sing very well You have no idea how to make a long story short You are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf There isn't a huge difference between losing your temper and killing someone Much of your food was boiled You have never hit your head on the ceiling You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling You're strangely poetic after a few beers You're poetic a lot You will be punched for no good reason... Some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations Your sister will punch you because your brother punched her Many of your sisters are named Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary... and one is named Mary Catherine Elizabeth Someone in your family is incredibly cheap It is more than likely you You don't know the words but that doesn't stop you from singing You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start talking "Irish Stew" is the euphemism for "boiled leftovers from the fridge"You're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last kegger party You are, or know someone, named "Murph" If you don't know Murph, then you know a "Mac" or a "Mc" If you don't know Murph, Mac or Mc, then you know "Sully" You'll probably also know Sully McMurphy
(Written by an Irish lad, so I can relate to a lot of these! LOL. Enjoy....)You will never play professional basketball You swear very well At least one of your cousins holds political office You think you sing very well You have no idea how to make a long story short You are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf There isn't a huge difference between losing your temper and killing someone Much of your food was boiled You have never hit your head on the ceiling You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling You're strangely poetic after a few beers You're poetic a lot You will be punched for no good reason... Some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations Your sister will punch you because your brother punched her Many of your sisters are named Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary... and one is named Mary Catherine Elizabeth Someone in your family is incredibly cheap It is more than likely you You don't know the words but that doesn't stop you from singing You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start talking "Irish Stew" is the euphemism for "boiled leftovers from the fridge"You're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last kegger party You are, or know someone, named "Murph" If you don't know Murph, then you know a "Mac" or a "Mc" If you don't know Murph, Mac or Mc, then you know "Sully" You'll probably also know Sully McMurphy
[Humor] Go Fish
THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day.
One day they caught 30 fish.
One said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow."
The next day when they were driving to rent the boat,
the same one said, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You idiot! What if we don't get that same boat today?!"
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day.
One day they caught 30 fish.
One said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow."
The next day when they were driving to rent the boat,
the same one said, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You idiot! What if we don't get that same boat today?!"
Sunday, September 9, 2007
[Adult] Play A Round
FORE PLAY
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Right off the tee, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.""Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!""And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly."HOLY CRAP!" He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?!"
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Right off the tee, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.""Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!""And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly."HOLY CRAP!" He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?!"
[Adult] Nun Such
MAMA MIA!
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be." The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Nancy Sinatra" and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks. "Sara Pipalini," replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. "No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be." The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Nancy Sinatra" and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks. "Sara Pipalini," replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. "No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!
[Humor] Hard at Play
CAN'T TOUCH THIS
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via anymeans DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known asWork-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via anymeans DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known asWork-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
[Adult] Four Fathers
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'Ialmost had an affair with another woman.'The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then Istopped.'The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You'renot to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's andput $50 in the poor box.'The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked overto the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'The Irishman replied, 'Yah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and accordingto you, that's the same as putting it in!'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I havesinned.'The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love tome seven times.'The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons intoa glass and then drink the juice.'The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversationensues:Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two collegegirls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of themthree times.'Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'Man: 'What sins?'Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'Man: 'I'm Jewish.'Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I havesinned.'The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love tome seven times.'The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons intoa glass and then drink the juice.'The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversationensues:Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two collegegirls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of themthree times.'Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'Man: 'What sins?'Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'Man: 'I'm Jewish.'Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
Monday, August 27, 2007
[Adult] High Rollers
CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS:
The Pastor would like to thank all of you who paid your tithes last week.>With the high price of gas -- every little bit helps. And, he> wanted us to mention that if you write a check, please make sure that it>does not bounce. He said that you are still encouraged to pay your> tithes and God only wants 10%, but if your check bounces we gone take >25%.>> From the health ministry: The usher board has asked those frequent>shouters who routinely pass out on the altar to please wear clean> underwear. Let your praise be holy, not your draws. Amen.>> The deacon board has brought this to our attention also if you are one of>the people that got tapped on your shoulder Sunday morning, make> sure you pick up your Altoids at the hospitality desk before entering the>sanctuary. Saints, let's not let our breath hinder our neighbor's praise.>> Special Note: We would like to apologize for those who came out to the>Youth Explosion conference last night. The youth choir's remix of> Shake that Laffy Taffy was totally unexpected. The youth director has >been>reprimanded and will issue a formal apology Sunday morning. Also, for> those who witnessed Mother Green getting up and doing the Laffy Taffy>dance, and are concerned, she is doing fine. She is in Methodist North> recovering well.>> Saints, don't forget about the Chitlin dinner this evening. If you >haven't>already placed your order, call the church office. And for> those who are a little skeptical after the last Chitlin dinner, please>feel at ease knowing that Pastor Happy has prayed over the Chitlins and no>one> from the Drug Rehab Ministry was involved in the preparation this time.>> Pastor has requested that all "dark-skinned" members sit in the light>during night service. Last Wednesday he heard voices in the dark and> thought they were demons.>> Please govern yourselves.
The Pastor would like to thank all of you who paid your tithes last week.>With the high price of gas -- every little bit helps. And, he> wanted us to mention that if you write a check, please make sure that it>does not bounce. He said that you are still encouraged to pay your> tithes and God only wants 10%, but if your check bounces we gone take >25%.>> From the health ministry: The usher board has asked those frequent>shouters who routinely pass out on the altar to please wear clean> underwear. Let your praise be holy, not your draws. Amen.>> The deacon board has brought this to our attention also if you are one of>the people that got tapped on your shoulder Sunday morning, make> sure you pick up your Altoids at the hospitality desk before entering the>sanctuary. Saints, let's not let our breath hinder our neighbor's praise.>> Special Note: We would like to apologize for those who came out to the>Youth Explosion conference last night. The youth choir's remix of> Shake that Laffy Taffy was totally unexpected. The youth director has >been>reprimanded and will issue a formal apology Sunday morning. Also, for> those who witnessed Mother Green getting up and doing the Laffy Taffy>dance, and are concerned, she is doing fine. She is in Methodist North> recovering well.>> Saints, don't forget about the Chitlin dinner this evening. If you >haven't>already placed your order, call the church office. And for> those who are a little skeptical after the last Chitlin dinner, please>feel at ease knowing that Pastor Happy has prayed over the Chitlins and no>one> from the Drug Rehab Ministry was involved in the preparation this time.>> Pastor has requested that all "dark-skinned" members sit in the light>during night service. Last Wednesday he heard voices in the dark and> thought they were demons.>> Please govern yourselves.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
[Adult] Yo!
YO MAMA SO FAT . . .
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing upYo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.Yo mama so fat we're in her right nowYo mama so fat people jog around her for exerciseYo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyoneYo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for CondorsYo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for their new worldYo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free WillyYo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptizedYo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the drivewayYo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-rollerYo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pocketsYo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12thYo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge tooYo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12thYo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge tooYo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time pleaseYo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumpingYo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover herYo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the familyYo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her throughYo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the waterYo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured outYo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teethYo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite picturesYo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing upYo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.Yo mama so fat we're in her right nowYo mama so fat people jog around her for exerciseYo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyoneYo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for CondorsYo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for their new worldYo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free WillyYo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptizedYo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the drivewayYo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-rollerYo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pocketsYo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12thYo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge tooYo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12thYo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge tooYo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time pleaseYo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumpingYo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover herYo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the familyYo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her throughYo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the waterYo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured outYo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teethYo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite picturesYo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
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