[Adult] Christmas With Louise

Christmas with LouiseThis is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest tofind out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over hisfireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fillthem. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be truebecause every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings wereoverflowing, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses andwent in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those thingsat Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've neverbeen in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I wasthere an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me!Who would buy that?"Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy astandard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passengerin my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Findingwhat I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models.The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do thingsI'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for LovableLouise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a dolltook a huge leap of imagination.On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise cameto life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during thewee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled thedangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate somecookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Iwent home, and giggled for a couple of hours.The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to hishouse and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left thedog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back andbark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over forhe traditional Christmas dinner.My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door."Whatthe hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's adoll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I hadseveral candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are herclothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jaysaid, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Whydoesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why wouldI? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of theambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to meand said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him shewas Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was thenthat we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made anoise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurchedfrom the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap infront of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandparan across the room, fell to his knees, and began administeringmouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair andwet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in thecar. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination todecide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise hadsuffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored herto perfect health!