[Humor] Not Man's Best Friend

To Simulate Adding To Your Collection of Cats If you have only one or two cats, the temptation is always to add a few more, just to "keep them company." If that idea appeals to you, here are some suggestions for ways you can simulate the experience of having several cats before you take that next big step. 1. Never throw away a used tea bag. Wait until the bags have cooled down and then leave them around the house in places where you will be most likely to walk without shoes on. It helps if you do this blindfolded so you don't remember where they are because you never DO at 4 in the morning. 2. Take a stiff wire brush and carefully shred all your furniture to a height of two feet from the ground. (For more than six cats, apply this treatment to door jambs and trim; for more than ten cats, apply to everything, including walls and your own legs.) 3. When you go to bed at night and after you've gotten comfortable, have someone place 5-pound bags of flour in strategic places such as behind your knees, on your hips and on your hair. If you are considering more than 4 cats, have them do this BEFORE you get comfortable. Periodically and randomly during the night, have someone throw 5-pound bags of flour onto the bed. 4. Set a timer so a stereo comes on at a random god-awful hour of the night. Be sure it is loaded with a Hallowe'en CD set to make a horrendous, blood-curdling racket like someone is getting killed, and that it is in your least accessible room, preferably downstairs. Also make certain it shuts off again and everything appears completely normal by the time you have arrived to check it. (For those considering more than 4 cats, be sure the path to the stereo has plenty of used tea bags strewn on it.) 5. Fill a spray bottle with a mixture of ammonia and yellow food color (if male cats are being considered, add a clove of garlic.) Spray randomly around the house. If more than 5 cats are being considered, make a larger batch and leave occasional puddles in odd places. For more than 8 cats, spray everything in the house from a height of two feet down (pay special attention to things you cherish and be sure to moisten the inside of all slippers.) 6. Fill several dishpans with cornflakes or other expensive cereal. Scoop Limburger cheese into bite-size morsels and distribute among the pans. Add a half-cup of ammonia mixture from the previous hint to each pan. Allow to sit overnight outside your bedroom. The next day, scoop out the cheese and throw it away. Twice a week, throw away the cereal and replace it. Each time you toss the cereal, throw away $2.50 per cat for food and litter (Note: this takes into account the high cost of cereal.) 7. The pervasiveness of cat hair is hard to simulate. Try sprinkling talcum powder on the seats and backs of all your chairs. Liberally spray your closet with silly string, paying close attention to darker fabrics. Be sure all the flour bags used in tip #3 above have half-inch slits in them. 8. Always put a dumbbell on the newspaper when you attempt to read it. If you manage to get the paper open, have someone lean a garden rake against the back of it and don't forget to put a bag of flour on the front where it folds against your lap. 9. Never attempt to use a computer without at least putting a footstool over the keyboard. At random times, obscure parts of your monitor with a document stand or other opaque, free-standing object. Periodically and randomly drop a potato on the keyboard. Don't forget to put a bag of flour - with a slit in it - on your lap. The "Computer/Lap Rule" includes the stipulation that you must keep one hand on the flour at all times.10. Dress a gardener or similarly-abled non-English speaker in a lab coat. Semi-annually, (or more frequently, depending on how many cats you are considering) visit his apartment and sit in the hall outside for an hour, trying to balance an umbrella on your nose while making small talk with his neighbors. Once inside, hand him a Jell-O mold filled with those nasty little blue carpet tacks instead of pineapple chunks and try to hold it still while he pokes it with various farm implements. Ask him questions in English and listen to his answers in his native tongue (the further removed from a Romance language his native tongue is, the more realistic this step becomes.) When you leave, be sure to give him your wallet.